Thunder Stealing...

[thunderstealer]

Just found out I'm about 6 weeks pregnant - a very happy accident!

However... my brother (and new sis-in-law) are getting married in 6 weeks time. I'm a bridesmaid at the wedding, and DS1 is a little ringbearer.

Our whole family are really close, and are so excited for their wedding.

My DB held off for two years on proposing to DSIL while I was engaged, (on the lead up to me and DH getting married) as he (half jokingly) didn't want to 'steal our thunder' or spotlight.

A couple close to them have announced last minute that they're also getting married the week after in a small elopement, and while DB and DSIL are happy for them, I know DSIL is a bit put out that just now is their little moment and she is questioning why it's the same week and why the invites had to be the same week, etc etc.

I have no idea what to do for the best in terms of telling anyone about my pregnancy. I obviously DO NOT want to announce to family at 12 weeks, the week of their wedding, and the last thing I want to do is impinge in any way on the next few weeks being all about them and their wedding - I really want them to have the best time ever.

I'd ideally not tell anyone so early as now - although I did tell some close family at six weeks with DS1, including DB and DSIL - but we hadn't ever planned to have another DC, and god forbid if anything went wrong with this pregnancy I wouldn't want anyone to think that DC2 was potentially on the cards (because it hasn't been!)

However, there will be lots of bridesmaid related activities in the next few weeks, including a long weekend in Marbella... and I'm not sure how I can disguise the not drinking etc on a hen weekend?!

Not sure what to do for the best, and if an early confession is better than trying to be discreet and failing / causing whispers... please help!

Congratulations!!

If it was me I’d probably tell a white lie at the hen do and say something like “having some digestive issues, nothing serious but drs have told me not to drink to see if it improves” or something. I would then wait until a couple of weeks after the wedding like you’d suggested, rather than do a very early announcement. But then I didn’t tell my family until after 12 weeks anyway.

It sort of depends on the family dynamic - perhaps your bro wouldn’t consider it stealing the thunder if you announced early and would be delighted? if something did go wrong who would you usually turn to for support?

I think a family member being pregnant and someone else getting married the same week (the example you mentioned in your OP) are 2 very different things. I can imagine being pissed off at the other wedding, but only delighted about a pregnancy (obviously given you don’t announce at the actual wedding, which you don’t plan to do). Presumably there will be other pregnant guests attending the wedding anyway!

Say your antibotics and can't drink, will hide any potential morning sickness too as you can say they are a bit strong for you!

I’d give it another couple of weeks then if all is well, tell them. You won’t be the centre of attention just because you’re pregnant, especially since it’s not your first. It’s not the sort of thing people would expect you to time for their convenience. I would say though just in case anything does happen (hopefully not) so they have a back up plan if you can’t do bridesmaid duties.

The antibiotics thing never worked as an excuse in my circle of friends as my first was 2 so it was natural time to have another.
You’re going to have to do (vitamin) pill swigging in front of them and make up a big back story.

If you’re close to your BIL/SIL and would normally have told them, I’d tell them now so they’re aware why you’re not boozing it up at the hem night, but say you won’t be telling anyone else until after the wedding.

Just tell them now, why put yourself and them through all this.

I think I’d wait a week or so and i would tell them

What do you normally drink? Have a mimosa, just ask for orange juice in a champagne glass. You could have coke or lemonade in an alcohol glass. If you make an excuse not to drink everyone will assume you are pregnant. But if you look like you are drinking you might get away with it. If someone buys you a drink just pretend to sip it until you can tip it out.

I never understand the thunder stealing thing. Unless you are standing on a table at the reception screaming, "I'm pregnant look at me"
I would just tell them now, it's another 6 weeks until the wedding, what if your dress needs altering etc.
And don't use the antibiotics excuse, it's really obvious.
Congratulations BTW

Often with a second baby you show a lot earlier than with the first so I would imagine by 12 weeks it may be fairly obvious you’re pregnant again? As someone above said, if you’re close to your DB & SIL tell them? 6 weeks is a bit away still. Agree with the antibiotics thing, mostly you can drink with them now anyway. Congratulations

I was in your position too OP. 12 weeks pregnant at the point of my brothers wedding day and also a bridesmaid.

I actually decided to tell my brother when I was about 8 weeks, as we're really close. He was super happy for me, I also asked what he would be ok with in terms of when I would tell our parents and other siblings (I didn't want to say anything until 12 weeks anyway). He consulted with my DSIL and they felt honoured that they knew first and no one else did. It was nice having my brother give me a wink as I grabbed an orange juice for their post ceremony toast. ☺️

We told my family the day after the wedding had happened. My brother and DSIL were happy with this, as they were of the mindset that they'd had their day and the day after was just everyone heading home. My dad cried when I told him, saying "this is the best weekend ever, my eldest son is married and my eldest daughter is giving me my first grandchild" 🥲

Given that your family is super close, I'd go with telling your brother now and getting his advice on whether to tell DSIL (given her feelings on their friends with the elopement wedding) 🙂
If he thinks not telling her for now is best, maybe feigning some under-the-weather bug whilst away for the hen weekend might be an option.
X

I'd tell the bride and groom and explain it's so she knows you are drinking being awkward in the hen nights and tell them you are waiting to tell the family until after their wedding to please keep it to themselves.
Makes them feel you are trying to not steal their thunder and being respectful waiting.
Friends getting married, It would be common knowledge by their day, don't sweat it.

if you announce it before the wedding then at the wedding it will be a topic of conversation = thunder stealing big time.

Given your DB made your future SIL wait 2 years to get engaged or did she want her own moment so asked him to wait? Either way you waiting until 2 weeks after the wedding is hardly a big deal unless you do want to steal their thunder.

Use the tablets etc. excuse for not drinking & feeling sick. You will be 12 weeks at the wedding, traditionally when you would tell, so waiting another 2 weeks shouldn’t be too hard.

Yes SIL may be being precious and a bridezilla, but to her you would be choosing to deliberately ruin her carefully planned wedding. It could have a lasting impact on your relationship.

Thanks all.

I've told DB and DSIL, who were super supportive and have said they don't want us not to tell anyone on their account. And also spoke to my parents.

I'm planning to say, (quietly!) to the others going on the hen weekend that it's early days and not at all common knowledge, so to please be discreet!

And then wait til a few weeks after the wedding to speak to wider family.

Hopefully all ok!!

Also thanks @Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie - I made it through the first hen related party on alcohol free prosecco without much questioning!