Shall I tell my family or not?

Cherry1986 · 2023-01-19T19:20:48+00:00

I'm 16 weeks and counting. I went through a miscarriage last year and we had a family wedding a month later. Got through the wedding but my family didn't visit or acknowledge what we'd been through after. It only hit them when I mention to my sister the due date was coming up just before my birthday. One sister has been great. My cousin announced his wife was expecting three months after the miscarriage with no empathy or compassion which really hurt, was rather traumatic. They had the baby this week and are posting pics etc on WhatsApp. I've muted the group and put up a wall. Again no sh*ts given about my feelings and they don't know we're expecting. We decided that were not telling my family until they bother to visit. We also moved into our own house before Christmas. From the sounds of my parents plans etc they're not free until mid February by which I'll be 20 weeks. We don't want to hurt them but they don't understand how hard things have been, how little support they've given and how much that hurts not just me but my husband too. I don't think they'll realise unless we sick to not telling them until they visit but I know that'll hurt them. I'm not that type of person to hurt anyone so now I'm not sure whether to tell them or not. Any suggestions welcome.

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PMAmostofthetime · 06/02/2023 23:41

I tried to hold off until the 20 week scan but it was becoming obvious so I told close family and friends and asked them not to share x

PMAmostofthetime · 06/02/2023 23:42

@Cherry1986 I think your right to wait. Have they visited yet? X

Bonheurdupasse · 06/02/2023 23:42

Given what they're like OP don't tell them.

Couchpotato3 · 06/02/2023 23:48

You are under no obligation to tell any of them anything after they ignored your loss last year. If they weren't there for you in the bad times, they don't get to be hurt if you don't share the good with them either.
Good luck with your pregnancy and congratulations!

greenspaces4peace · 06/02/2023 23:55

many people just don't know how to react to such a loss.
some think that ignoring/not mentioning it is the best way forward.
i'm sorry for your loss and congratulations.

buttercupboots · 07/02/2023 00:06

Sorry for your loss OP and congratulations on your pregnancy. I also suffered a loss last year and recently passed that due date which was tough, although thankfully we were able to conceive again and I'm 24 weeks.

Did you communicate your needs to your family following your loss? Have you asked them to visit you, or have you suggested visiting them? I'm asking as things like this should be a two way street really. Sometimes people don't know how to support you unless you let them in, and unfortunately miscarriage can be so taboo that older generations don't know how to talk about it openly.

What do you want your future relationship with them to look like? Do you want them to be involved with your pregnancy/child? Do you want their support? If so, you should tell them sooner rather than later, as they might feel pushed out.

margegunderson · 07/02/2023 00:14

I don't want to be that person but how late was your miscarriage? If it was early they may just not understand how you feel. Also how close is your cousin to you? I'm glad your sister has been great.
I don't want to make excuses for your family but it would help to understand the situation a little better.
And congratulations on your pregnancy!

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 00:22

margegunderson · 07/02/2023 00:14

I don't want to be that person but how late was your miscarriage? If it was early they may just not understand how you feel. Also how close is your cousin to you? I'm glad your sister has been great.
I don't want to make excuses for your family but it would help to understand the situation a little better.
And congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think a lot of this post rings true to me. You are allowed to feel hurt. However many people don’t know what to say, especially older people for whom the subject has been taboo most of their lives. I also think you are being unfair to your cousin. This should be a happy time for you OP. It’s up to you who you share it with and when. I wouldn’t wait any longer to tell your parents. Tell them now and then they can congratulate you in person when they see you see them. It will hurt them you kept this from them and tbh I’m not sure they would get the message about how upset you were. Enjoy sharing your pregnancy

Enko · 07/02/2023 00:44

I agree with @margegunderson and @Eyerollcentral. Also as someone who have had 6 miscarriages I get how hard it is when others seems to manage really easily to fall pregnant. However, it's not your cousins fault they fell pregnant after your miscarriage. And cousins baby should be celebrated just like yours should be. 3 months after your miscarriage unless you are close to cousin there is a chance they had forgotten or felt that was enough time. It doesn't make cousin a evil person just someone who has not gone through what you have.

I'm sorry your family ha ent been to visit thats hurtful. Personally I would share the pregnancy but I get why you feel like not doing so. I guess the question is. If they do get hurt will it make you feel better or will you feel worse? The answer should tell you what to do. Don't make yourself feel worse. Don't feel guilty if it makes you feel better. You are human

Original poster

Cherry1986 · 07/02/2023 07:33

So things changed a bit. My younger sister is actually expecting and 4 weeks behind me. I spoke with my parents about my cousin not having any empathy tbh, my cousin, aunt and that side of the family are selfish and not well liked. If they need something or there's a spotlight on you then they're around otherwise they'll stab you in the back. So I guess I shouldn't have expected any human decency from them. Therapy is helping me to see a lot more.
My parents called me randomly and then heard how hurt I was after they announced the birth and are visiting this weekend. They'll have a bit of a shock because of my sister's announcement too.
My cousin's wife is part of my husband's extended family and I opened the door for us to be close and they closed that door themselves when announcing their pregnancy the way they did. I wasn't asking them not to be happy just considerate and I don't think that's much to ask.
I have no idea how things are going to play out this weekend but they'll be positive from the vibes I'm getting. It's turned into my siblings, spouses and parents visiting so it'll be busy.
Thank you for the comments and your thoughts on the situation.
The toxic family are being promptly cut off to save my own mental health.

OP posts:

Floomobal · 20/02/2023 01:32

Sorry, but I think you’re being totally unreasonable about your cousin. It’s such a wonderful and exciting thing to be pregnant and have a baby. They had every right to announce it, and they have every right to post photos of their baby.

It’s sad that you had a miscarriage. But that doesn’t mean that they need to hide their news or their excitement.

Cocopogo · 20/02/2023 01:40

Everyone deals with miscarriage differently. I doubt they’ve given it a second thought especially if it’s your first. If you’d had a few or failed ivf etc then I’d expect them to be a bit more sensitive but otherwise they probably wouldn’t have given it a thought. Not sure why you wouldn’t let people know you are pregnant though.

junebirthdaygirl · 20/02/2023 04:13

Miscarriage and loss are horribly painful for the couple. I lost my first baby at 24 weeks but l wouldn't have expected my cousins to keep their good news to themselves after that. The way l looked at it was: l didn't want their baby l wanted my baby. It would have hit me okay but l still would have wanted them to celebrate their baby. I remember feeling so angry when l met pregnant women in the street who were total strangers to me. I wanted to scream. But the pain was mine. Don't let the hurt of the past colour your excitement about this baby. Its good to keep it to yourselves for a while...l couldn't as so sick..but now start to enjoy the excitement of sharing your good news. And let go of the cousin as allowing them to steal your joy is just digging a hole for yourself.

Original poster

Cherry1986 · 20/02/2023 10:53

So the cousins are written off. Not just because of being inconsiderate (common decency to be aware of other people and their feelings) but because of the shit stirring my my name being dropped where it shouldn't. I have nothing to do with them and they still put my name in the mix. They can't get at me in their city but they're trying to ruin my extended family bonds in my current city. They're horrible people and after speaking with my immediate family, the feelings towards their entire family are the same... No one likes them, no one visits them, no one cares much about them and I wasn't aware. I thought it was just me.
My parents and siblings now know albeit taken aback that they didn't know until now but they do understand wanting to keep it quiet after a miscarriage and hubby mentioned to them they'd have not known until the baby was born if they hadn't visited. The thing. with relationships is that they should be one sided ever. DH and I always make an effort. I've been doing it for years and covering the hurt and making excuses for family not being around but after such a loss which has never happened in my family before, I learnt how one sided things were. Bridges between my parents and siblings are not beyond repair and for that I'm grateful.

OP posts:

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 11:14

Cherry1986 · 20/02/2023 10:53

So the cousins are written off. Not just because of being inconsiderate (common decency to be aware of other people and their feelings) but because of the shit stirring my my name being dropped where it shouldn't. I have nothing to do with them and they still put my name in the mix. They can't get at me in their city but they're trying to ruin my extended family bonds in my current city. They're horrible people and after speaking with my immediate family, the feelings towards their entire family are the same... No one likes them, no one visits them, no one cares much about them and I wasn't aware. I thought it was just me.
My parents and siblings now know albeit taken aback that they didn't know until now but they do understand wanting to keep it quiet after a miscarriage and hubby mentioned to them they'd have not known until the baby was born if they hadn't visited. The thing. with relationships is that they should be one sided ever. DH and I always make an effort. I've been doing it for years and covering the hurt and making excuses for family not being around but after such a loss which has never happened in my family before, I learnt how one sided things were. Bridges between my parents and siblings are not beyond repair and for that I'm grateful.

Sounds like your husband has a great deal to say about how your relationship should be with your family. Be very careful not to jettison your relationships to please him. I don’t really know what to say as your update sounds gleeful at putting your family in their place. I think you should speak to someone other than your husband about your family situation. You have so much anger towards your cousin it is insane.

Derbee · 20/02/2023 11:17

Your posts and updates are all very strange. It all sounds very dysfunctional, with your husband, family and extended family.

You may or may not need a professional to unpick many of your feelings about the relationships around you, but good luck for your pregnancy.

Somuchgoo · 20/02/2023 11:25

It might be that a huge amount of backstory has been left out here, but I don't see what your family has done wrong particularly.

Your miscarriage was sad, but other people are allowed to be happy about having a baby, and it didn't sound as if they were particularly insensitive to me.

There's nothing wrong with them posting WhatsApp photos of their baby, especially the week of birth. Blocking a family member over that is totally OTT to me. If you find it upsetting, a slightly gritted teeth 'congratulations' and then muting it for a week would be better perhaps. And yes, lots of us have been there, or similar. I congratulated my cousin on having a baby whilst my young child was seriously ill in hospital, and I didn't know if she'd make it.

And as for punishing your parents by witholding telling then about the pregnancy (and your husband lecturing then about this), I think that's really poor on your part tbh. Yes it's your news and you can tell them whenever you like, but they don't sound awful, just maybe haven't realised how much support you've been needing.

Foreverhope1 · 20/02/2023 12:22

Op you sound as if you have a lot of hurt and unresolved feelings that need to be worked on.
You'll alienate your loved ones over issues that they may not even know you're struggling with.
Learn to speak up, don't struggle in silence.