Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Birth announcements

Share your unique birth stories and read heartwarming stories from fellow mums. For more on your baby’s development, check out the Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

Flip

Original poster

Being sensitive towards SIL

12 replies

lyrablue · 31/10/2022 14:28

I was super lucky to get (accidentally) pregnant at the start of the year but unfortunately ended up miscarrying. My partner's sister was (and has continued to be) incredibly supportive due to unfortunately going through the same thing a few years ago.
Fast forward to now and we are over the moon to be expecting again but the 12 week 'safe period' would be Christmas. We are going to want to tell her and the rest of the family at that point but are aware that SIL has recently been accepted for IVF and it's a bit of a sensitive topic. Whilst she'd be happy for us on the face of it I'd hate for her to feel that I'd almost taken the attention over Christmas, especially as the day itself would be at her house as is their family tradition. How in your opinion should I handle it? Announce before then so as not to kind of make it all about us on the Big Day itself or wait until after? What if I'm showing a lot by then?

A lot of ifs and buts I know but I am a worrier at heart and I would hate to upset someone that has been so supportive! Thank you ♥️

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Lovemylittlebear · 31/10/2022 14:31

Announce before Christmas so she has time to process it and let her know via text :)

congratulations btw

ive been on both ends - pregnant after miscarriages and also waiting to get and stay pregnant during tricky times. Text always better than face to face if it’s sensitive for her and before Christmas so it’s ‘old new news so to speak’. Just in case she feels a bit shitty about not being pregnant and finding things tricky. That ways she has had a chance to process those emotions a bit. Xx

BackOnTheBandWagon · 31/10/2022 14:39

Hmm, if it were me I'd wait til after - it's very unlikely you'd be showing much, if at all, at 12 weeks if this is your first pregnancy to reach that point.

I'm sorry for your previous loss, I can imagine you want to wait until you've had your scan, so I think if you do want to tell friends and family over Xmas then tell SIL separately first, so she has time to process it.

Y7drama · 31/10/2022 14:40

I think you’re being very though. I would try to wait until after Christmas Day. Best wishes for your pregnancy.

Y7drama · 31/10/2022 14:40

Sorry that should say thoughtful

Neighneigh · 31/10/2022 14:44

Ditto, I think you're being kind to consider it and I'd definitely wait till after Christmas especially if she's hosting

Mommabear20 · 31/10/2022 14:48

I'd tell her and her DP (and only her & DP) before hand, but then keep it from everyone else till after Christmas. That way it doesn't take the focus away from the day onto you, but if someone notices you've gained weight or aren't drinking or are feeling unwell, and they guess, it's not a big shock for her to deal with.

2bazookas · 31/10/2022 14:57

Just make some excuse to not go to SIL for Xmas.

You're having xmas with friends, your family, volunteering at foodbank; your Xmas work shifts are awkward.

JenniferBarkley · 31/10/2022 14:58

I would wait til after Christmas if you can - you won't be showing. But, if you usually drink it will be obvious.

I had similar one year with a cousin. I sent the word out in advance that I was 11 weeks, wouldn't have chosen to share at that point but knew they would all guess with me drinking. It sort of worked and I managed to head off most discussion with "well it's early days" etc. I don't think anything else would have worked in my situation tbh, it would have been clear as day and a horrible slap in the face for my cousin (who was "sick" the year I was pregnant with my first, understandably).

Suprima · 31/10/2022 15:09

If you can’t tell her in the next weeks, then I’d wait until after Christmas tbh.

you won’t be showing, and its going to be a fucking gut punch any time- but christmas is especially hard as there should be little presents to buy and nursery nativities to watch. It’s a time that you are told is for family, and when you are going through infertility, it’s just shit. It’s not fair to drop that on her on the 20th December.

I think the best solution is to tell her asap, privately, through text so she can process her feelings way in advance.

Ponderingwindow · 31/10/2022 15:13

Tell her before the family announcement, preferably by phone or text. Give her a chance to have her reaction in private.

I was very obviously pregnant right away so you just never know on physicality. It wasn’t my belly. It was the other physical changes, the face, breasts, hips. Some women just look pregnant. There was no hiding it when we attended a wedding. The men were oblivious, but the women spotted it instantly.

DeeofDenmark · 31/10/2022 15:42

If you normally drink then it will be obvious to not drink at Christmas and then would lead to awkward questions. Tell her before or tell everyone before. Text/WhatsApp is perfect in this situation.

PlumPudd · 31/10/2022 16:14

If you usually drink and tuck into the smoked salmon, liqueurs, pate etc. or if you’re going to be feeling sick and exhausted then I’d tell her at least a week before Christmas Day. You probably won’t have a bump, but if you’re giving off “I am pregnant” signs by not drinking etc. she’ll probably guess and feel worse about it.

If you think you can hide it then wait at least a week before you announce, and then be vague about when the 12 week safe point was.

We had something a bit similar where SIL and I were trying to conceive at the same time, though SIL had been trying for longer. SIL was going to be on a fancy holiday at our 12 week point so we waited to tell her until a few days after she was back and asked the in laws to keep it quiet till then. She had basically already guessed as she’d seen us a few times and I was always tired, refusing certain foods etc.

Flip