Henry John b. 04:03 21st Jan weighing 8lbs 6oz
Contractions started at 4am Sunday (20th), I went downstairs and bounced on ball for a couple of hours, surfing MN and timing them. By 6am they had gone from every 10mins to every 6 or 7.
I woke up DH and we sat in bed drinking tea waiting for DS1 to wake up wondering what the day would bring. DH started getting twitchy about just sitting there and wanted to rush to get the pool ready, etc. I felt I had a long time still to go so told him to relax
DS1 got up, we all had breakfast, and contractions slowed right down.
My m/w came for regular appointment at 11am and felt bump, said was engaged but not established labour and to call her back when things got going properly. She said she expected to be back that day which was positive and I was sure we were having baby that day.
Contractions stayed at every 10mins or slower throughout the day. Friends had DS1 in the afternoon in case him being around was holding me back but nothing changed.
Got DS1 to bed at 7 and we went to bed, though I couldn?t sleep and just had 10min naps between contractions.
About 11.30 I started losing my mucus plug which encouraged me that things were finally getting going. I couldn?t get comfortable upstairs so we went and got the pool topped up and warm enough.
During contractions I felt like I was going to burst, not at all like when I had DS1. Turns out my waters were bulging, whereas they had broken right at the beginning with DS1.
Phoned the m/w at 1.30am (now Mon 21st) as some of the contractions were 5mins apart ? felt a bit of a fraud calling but wanted someone to check on me and tell me how things were going. By now my m/w was off-duty and one I hadn?t met before came out.
She arrived at 2ish, examined me, I was 5cms (which I was happy with) and asked: have you felt the baby move? Of course I freaked, I mean I thought she was trying to tell me baby had died!!!
She meant ?where? had I felt the movements as she didn?t think she could feel the head?
I swore for a bit, she re-examined me and said yes, it?s soft and has a groove in the middle of it ? now I?m hoping that ISN?T the head cos that wouldn?t be good!
She said she had never delivered a breech baby and that we had to transfer to hosp Ambulance called, non-stop tears from me, DH got neighbour in to look after DS1, and off we went. I was so angry and pissed off that I wouldn?t look at the m/w anymore and wouldn?t really talk to the paramedics either!
Managed to walk into hosp, between pauses for contractions (tho they had nearly stopped by this point), had scan which confirmed breech, and exam said 6cms.
And so started the process of emergency c-s. To be fair they didn?t rush me and let me pause for rants, tears, contractions and ?last wee before you put a catheter in me?!
Walked into theatre but crying nearly non-stop by now, couldn?t believe this was happening to me ? me who was so set on a home birth, who had managed a home birth before, with just gas and air, even tho DS1 took 19hrs and the placenta another 2!
Epidural, c-section, baby came out crying, shown to us to announce sex (one part of birth plan we got to stick with!), then wrapped up, DH had a cuddle, they put DS2 on my chest for a bit but I got the shakes, felt ill and couldn?t emotionally connect to this baby that didn?t feel like mine
Off to recovery ? shakes eventually settled, DS2 not dressed so we could have skin-to-skin and managed a breastfeed, then I started feeling more like his mum.
Sure there are parts missed out, I found out yesterday that the lights were flashing on the ambulance and that it was treated as more of an emergency than I realised ? good thing too.
I have had a good talk with one m/w and due to see my original one tomorrow when I will want to chat through the misdiagnosed engagement. I am upset about it all, there?s no denying that, there are so many ?what ifs??
If my original m/w had still been on duty, she is experienced in breech so things might have been different.
If she had spotted the breech earlier, I could have a) tried to turn him or b) been prepared for c-s or c) fought my way to a vaginal delivery with her support.
If we had her mobile number maybe we could have called her at the time for advice.
[For some reason she gave us her mob with DS1 but not this time, it was on my notes or I would have kept it for future ref! Think I will get it for next time regardless!]
If the m/w that came out had more confidence and experience we might have made different choices.
If our local hospital had any experience of breech delivery I might have felt more confident giving it a go.
If I hadn?t phoned the m/w when I did I might have progressed past the point of transfer and just got on with it.
I could prob go on for ever?.
I think I am lucky generally;
there is nothing wrong with DS2,
I have the ?memory? of loving DS1 so feel I can/have override/overridden the initial lack of bonding with DS2
My community m/w has already said that they will support me in future home birth choices
And so far my recovery is going smoothly (unlike lots of c-s mums I know).
Not being able to look after DS1 properly is the hardest bit and certainly if I was having a planned c-s we would have done things differently for his sake.
I am determined to talk through the experience with m/w and maybe the hospital so that I feel I can move on and not having it hanging over me for the future. I really don?t want it to be an issue for future pregnancies and am trying to be aware of the risk of possibly causing depression further down the line.
In the meantime I am quite tearful and find myself responding very half-heartedly to any messages of congratulations. Feel like congratulations on having a c-s isn?t something to be congratulated on, if that makes sense? At the same time, DS2 is georgeous (I know I?m biased!), feeding beautifully and sleeping lots, and I feel that he is mine now.
Right, that?s plenty long enough, thanks for reading if you made it this far!