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Should I tell my estranged father I’m pregnant?

14 replies

Scottishmum95 · 02/10/2022 11:25

Hi all,

hope you’re all okay ❤️ It’s a long one -

I feel like I’m having a bit of a crisis in my own head. I’m currently 11 weeks pregnant with my first baby, and me and fiancé are thrilled! We have a good support network who are also thrilled!

My family life wasn’t fab. When I was 3 I lost my mum to a drug overdose. My dad was there but not totally involved, he did try but my mums issues were too much. He found a new partner & ended up having 2 boys who are my half brothers. When my mum died I went to live with my gran and I didn’t see my dad again after my 5th birthday due to his new life. I then lost my Gran when I was 11 due to suicide so I was a bit of a terrible teen overcome with grief and lots of confusing emotions!

when I was 15, I searched for my dad & we finally communicated for the first time in 10 years. I was 15, still grieving all I had lost just scrambling for some connection to where I came from. I assumed it would be like a movie style reunion but it wasn’t - I was so scared, awkward and pushed away. He respected this and he text me every year on my birthday. I’m 27 now and we’ve only met up 2x since I was 15 and I still get a horrible gut feeling when we meet. I’ve had 12 years of counselling & set some really strict boundaries with close family to keep my mental health safe.

basically, me and my dad aren’t in awful terms but I do not want him to find out via Facebook as I feel like it’s just a shit way to find out about your first grandkid. I’m also not close at all with my half brothers. I just don’t think I have the emotional / mental strength to create 3 new relationships with people, not now when I’m focusing on this pregnancy.

should I tell him before we announce to our wider family & friends? I feel somehow I at least owe him this but the other small part of me feels I owe him nothing.

if you’ve made it this far - thank you!

Sending everyone love & hugs x

OP posts:
Addicted2LoveIsland · 02/10/2022 11:27

I wouldn't bother. You guys areng close and if it goes wrong it Will spoil the joyous time. Honestly OP I'd leave it. You need to be strong and ad happy as possible. You can always announce it on FB and add something like "to all the family and friends we weren't able to tell prior to this post we are sorry we just have a lot in as I'm sure you understand".

tickticksnooze · 02/10/2022 11:27

Why do you "owe" him? Least of all in priority to the people close to you?

What response are you hoping for from him? It sounds like you're hoping this will trigger the movie-style reunion you originally hoped for - which will just leave you hurting again when it doesn't happen?

DelphiniumBlue · 02/10/2022 11:50

My goodness, you've had a hard time.
I'm hoping you've got other family who have supported you and looked after you, especially after your gran died.
You seem to be saying that you are shouldering the responsibility of contact with your dad, and I just want to point out that there is no reason why a decent man/father wouldn't assume full responsibility of of a bereaved child, that child should have been the most important priority. That remains the case when the child becomes a teenager, and it is pretty weak of him just obe texting you on your birthday. Obviously you were conflicted about him as a teen, and that would involve some pushing away, but you were conflicted because he had not done the right thing by you up till then, and it sounds as if he is still taking the easy path.
It is not your job to make him feel good, and really he doesn't merit special treatment. He has not fulfilled the role of father in your life, and you don't need to do anything that make you feel uncomfortable. If you think he will hear your news through the grapevine, and that is not what you want, you could just text him at the same time you announce on FB, although I have to say I have never seen a pregnancy announcement on FB, and am not sure that it's necessary at all. But I am old and maybe not up to date on these things.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

FictionalCharacter · 02/10/2022 12:03

I wouldn’t. You don’t owe him anything. I’d be concerned that he’d want to play Nice Grandad with your child, when he hasn’t been a good father to you. You’ll have your own little family - concentrate on your child and leave your unsatisfactory father out of it.

AccountDeactivated · 02/10/2022 12:09

The man is an utter failure. He doesn't deserve to be called a father at all, what kind of fucking monster discards his traumatised kid and fucks off in to the sunset, breeding again?
Your family is none of his business, actions have consequences. He woke up every day for decades and chose child abandonment. People tend not to announce being impregnated on the internet anymore, but if you want to do that, tighten up your friends list.

KylieCharlene · 02/10/2022 12:18

I don't think he deserves to be contacted.
If he really cared he would still be trying to forge some kind of relationship with you.
Does he really deserve to be a part of your child's life?
Do you even think he'd care deep down once initial declarations are over?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/10/2022 12:19

If you’re in contact with him I would tell him, but I don’t think you need to tell him before wider/ friends family. I wouldn’t make any special effort to tell him and would probably just let him know next time you naturally contact him.

lisayf · 02/10/2022 12:56

I had the same dilemma with my mum. In the end I just text her after the birth saying I'd had a healthy baby.

Personally I don't think he needs to know before friends.

jadedspark · 02/10/2022 14:08

He didn't consider your feelings when he abandoned you, I don't see why you should consider his. You owe this man nothing.

Original poster
Scottishmum95 · 02/10/2022 17:57

Thank you lovely. I do believe in my heart of hearts if I wanted to I would but I just don’t want to. He’s not going to have a relationship with my child so what’s the point? Thanks again honestly x

OP posts:
Original poster
Scottishmum95 · 02/10/2022 18:00

DelphiniumBlue · 02/10/2022 11:50

My goodness, you've had a hard time.
I'm hoping you've got other family who have supported you and looked after you, especially after your gran died.
You seem to be saying that you are shouldering the responsibility of contact with your dad, and I just want to point out that there is no reason why a decent man/father wouldn't assume full responsibility of of a bereaved child, that child should have been the most important priority. That remains the case when the child becomes a teenager, and it is pretty weak of him just obe texting you on your birthday. Obviously you were conflicted about him as a teen, and that would involve some pushing away, but you were conflicted because he had not done the right thing by you up till then, and it sounds as if he is still taking the easy path.
It is not your job to make him feel good, and really he doesn't merit special treatment. He has not fulfilled the role of father in your life, and you don't need to do anything that make you feel uncomfortable. If you think he will hear your news through the grapevine, and that is not what you want, you could just text him at the same time you announce on FB, although I have to say I have never seen a pregnancy announcement on FB, and am not sure that it's necessary at all. But I am old and maybe not up to date on these things.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

It was rough. Sadly after my Gran died I was placed in the care of my aunt (mums sister) who was a raging alcohol with severe OCD & MH issues. So it wasn’t pretty teens years either or early adulthood hence the strict boundaries I’ve put in place now. Thank you for your reply honestly, I’ve spoke to my fiancé about this lots but he’s so supportive and says whatever I decide he’ll be there. But ultimately I know deep down I don’t want to tell him/have a relationship with him. Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Scottishmum95 · 02/10/2022 18:01

FictionalCharacter · 02/10/2022 12:03

I wouldn’t. You don’t owe him anything. I’d be concerned that he’d want to play Nice Grandad with your child, when he hasn’t been a good father to you. You’ll have your own little family - concentrate on your child and leave your unsatisfactory father out of it.

This is also my fear. The last couple years he’s text me 2 days late wishing me happy birthday and said he “forgot” as he was out with friends drinking. Can’t allow him to let down my baby like he has me. Just me and my wee gang going forward ❤️ Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Scottishmum95 · 02/10/2022 18:07

tickticksnooze · 02/10/2022 11:27

Why do you "owe" him? Least of all in priority to the people close to you?

What response are you hoping for from him? It sounds like you're hoping this will trigger the movie-style reunion you originally hoped for - which will just leave you hurting again when it doesn't happen?

I think due to the circumstances of my growing up I tended to take on the caretaker role as a child/teen as I had to due to the adults placing me in that role against my will e.g. looking after my aunt with MH issues due to alcoholism.

I do believe as much as I mask the fact, the inner child part of me would LOVE that movie style reunion as dreaming of it helped me escape my reality as a child/teen. But I’m an adult now who after years of counselling is still trying to heal that little girl. It’s rough but I know in my heart of hearts I don’t owe him anything and I know I’ll be let down if I tried to invite him into my life.

thank you for replying / listening / helping ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Scottishmum95 · 02/10/2022 18:08

Thank you all for your replies. It’s been extremely cathartic getting this out and in writing, hearing others thoughts on the topic. It’s so appreciated. Take care all ❤️

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