Worried about visitors after birth What to say to people

[MJW1999]

Hello everyone, I’m really worried about how I’m going to navigate visitors after birth this has been further triggered by a stupid pregnancy dream I have been having when I don’t meet my baby till after my MIL.

I may be having a c section (find out in two weeks if baby is still breech) so if I do I’ll end up being in hospital for three days if I have a natural birth they’ve also said they’d want me in for at least 48 hours.

In my head id like no visitors at the hospital as I feel that’s time for me and DP to bond with our daughter and I’ll also potentially be attached to a catheter and in pain if I have a c section. I’d also like to have a day once home to settle in and introduce our baby to our home.

My issue is how do I tell people this? I’ve already verbally told everyone but people have dismissed it specifically my MIL who also is very put out that she’s not invited to the birth as she was with her daughters first two children 😳

is it unreasonable to send it in a message once she’s here and if so how would you word it? Am I just being unreasonable expecting people to wait till baby is around 5 days old before meeting her? Obviously some people won’t meet her till later as I won’t want to have everyone round at the same time. I’m thinking of telling people she’s here and saying by message that we will be in touch to arrange a time and when they can meet her? I worry I’ll come home to people waiting on the doorstep and after so long trying I just want it to be perfect.

Hospital should be easy to navigate as most still have covid rules restricting visitors, ours is only birth partner and 1 other person. Also, you specify who can come in so just tell them you want no one else.

At home, i would just do the message as you said that once home you will message to sort a time out.

MIL, honestly its probably easier to just get that visit over and done with quickly when you are home then you won't have it hanging over you.

We let people come to the hospital. Then when I left we didn't tell people what day I was coming home so we had an afternoon and full day of settling in before visitors.

I wouldn't have thought you'd be allowed visitors at the hospital anyway, so I wouldn't worry about that. Then, can't you just be very vague about when you'll be home? So just get your husband to say "Oh they might be staying in because of XYZ, or MJW wants to stay in an extra night to establish breastfeeding (which I did, so totally plausible)". Then you go home when you want and just message people the day after you get there to come over.

Aside from that, does your MIL not understand that it is insane to think she'd be "invited" to the birth? Presumably she's given birth before and knows what will be happening. I'd honestly crack up laughing if she mentioned anything like it again.

Be aware you might feel different when the time comes, I couldn't wait to show mine off.

The second thing is it might be easier to have MIL visit while you are in hospital, ask midwives to intervene after 30 minutes or so and say it's time for your tests/rest/bath whatever. If she visits you at home it might be difficult to shift her. I found MIL much more receptive to what the midwife said.

Finally don't tell people you are home, add a day on so if it is CS you will be in for 4 days if natural 3 days. Then when you've had a day home let people know you are home.

Hope all goes well.

As previous poster said just say due to Covid restrictions only allowing 1 visitor which is DH. That's easy.

My MIL was the same it honestly irks me. Just say you want to wait until you're not in so much pain from your c section. Get your DH to speak to her on this one. Tell her her daughters did what was right for them and you will do what's right for you.

I actually think hospital visiting is easier. Your catheter should be out within about six hours and if you're in for three days for whatever reason (our hospital is 24 hours and home if no complications) it will be very boring! And babies tend to be at their most sleepy and easy in those first few days. You can also use visitors to help plug the gap when your partner goes off to eat or sleep or whatever else he needs to do.

I had a C section 10 days ago, and my mum came in to visit when DH was home for a few hours, so it was nice to have that. We did the same with my first section. And visitors don't tend to stay long in hospital either, unlike your home, as there isn't a lot of space for them and it's not a massively comfortable environment.

It also means the pressure is off a bit when you go home - going home is when the 'real' bit starts IMO. Being in hospital is this weird timeless existence, but getting home is where you actually start learning how to look after your baby.

Also the only visitor regulations at our hospital (Scotland) were two adults visitors at a time, children exempt, between 8 and 8.

Be aware you might feel different when the time comes, I couldn't wait to show mine off.

This! TBH, I think you're being a bit PFB, and the reality of having a baby is different. I was only to glad to let a visitor hold my baby while I went off and had a shower/poo/insert activity of choice, even in the first few days.

If you have a C section, visitors can help out a bit too, as your ability to do stuff will be compromised for a short while.

And don't forget MIL and other GPs are the baby's family too - and their pride and love will be just as great as yours.

I’m having a c section in a few weeks. Our hospital still only allows one person as the named visitor, so you could say this.

What you have said is fine. I would just message something like "baby has arrived safely. We should be home in a few days all being well and will let you know when we're ready for visitors" then stick to it no matter what anyone says. Ignore them if you have to. Nobody met mine until 8 days.

My MIL is a nightmare sne invited herself to her daughters second birth (just turned up when she knew it would be too late to be sent away) and she caused a lot of issues for her daughter and SIL after the birth because of it. doesn’t know when to leave and doesn’t leave so I worry it’ll be an all evening thing.

I think I’m going to lie to everyone and say I’m in the extra day than I am to prevent people just turning up. I don’t want people to not meet her I just want it to be manageable. I also want my DP to not have to spend the whole time hosting everyone and actually spend time with our DD. I’m not favouring anyone as it’ll be a blanket rule to everyone to not just turn up and not to overstay when we’re home. I’m going to message them when she arrives letting them know she’s here and safe and that we will let them know when we’re home and ready for visitors. Thank you everyone 😊 I do understand that grandparents want to meet her but I really truly think that it’s a lot to expect new parents to host people to visit the baby and to pass the baby around when the mums trying to establish feeding and dads trying to bond

Do make sure the hospital are aware and know not to let her in in that case. The last thing you need in labour is to be stressing about such nonsense.

I had to go back into hospital for loads checks post- section. So, if your MIL is visiting and you can’t get rid, say you have a hospital appointment, DH bundle you and baby into the car, wave her off, drive round the block and jobs a good ‘in.

think there’s day 3, 5 checks for baby etc but they do extras for all sorts of reasons so just make something up.
e.g your section scar is playing up and they’ve said if you can get there in the next hour doctor will be available to check you over (I had this exact situation)

Honestly being n hospital is boring, I was adamant I wouldn't want anyone to come and see us but was in about 48 hours and was very grateful for visitors. With my ds2 he was born during covid times and couldn't have visitors in hospitals or at home so as much as I understand enjoy the fact you can have visitors just be strategic with how long they are for or get them to bring you lunch.

Absolutely do not tell anyone when you go into Labour then it's up to you when you announce it. I would get MIL over quickly.
Try not to obsess too much over it and just ignore her. My stepsons mother came over on day 2 with both of her parents only met once or twice and three friends I had never met before. 😂.

They all fucked off pretty quickly but still!
No matter what it won't affect how you bond with your baby.

I think I'd be tempted to tell no-one your section date if you need one and if not, don't tell anyone you're in labour. Then you/your partner get to manage the announcements.

Then send a message like you've already suggested OP. We'll let you know...

I love seeing people, I love visitors and it's exciting for everyone to meet your new baby but I like all this very much in my timescales.

If people (MIL) kick off, remind them that you are the gatekeeper to the precious baby so they need to behave.
Fuck pandering to people when you've just given birth. Let them pander to you, fan you and feed you cake. 👍

Honestly, it is different when the time comes.

A) almost everyone (maybe nightmare MILs excluding!) is usually super polite and waits to be invited without expecting to come straight away. Mostly, people wouldn't dream of just turning up or be annoyed at having to wait.

B) if you have a planned section, if all goes to plan, your catheter will be out and you will be mobile much sooner than you think, and certainly by the time you'll be up to visitors. Having visitors in hospital can be great because the hours drag, it can be really boring, and you'll be glad of the help passing you the baby/doing nappy changes whilst you're still wanting to just mostly lie there.
OR
If you're not wanting visitors, just say Covid rules won't allow it. No-one can argue with that!

C) having visitors at home, when you're ready, can be a godsend. It breaks up the endless monotony of the early days and visitors invariably want to help out as much as you can. Plus you get to show off your gorgeous new baby.

I’ve specified in my birth plan that I only want DP with me during the labor and birth and have also mentioned that I don’t want visitors. Luckily my DP is allowed to stay in with us whilst we are in (due to other reasons) so at least I’ll have him to gate keep. I’m going to do family as timed slots when we’ve returned home (that way they can’t over stay etc) will book my parents after her so that when they turn up they can kind of shimmy her along too if needs be. Love the Idea of being fed cake haha hopefully my Step mum will bring me some lol 😂 Hopefully it’ll all work out I think the dream I’ve been having just worried me (in the dream I have a x section and then everyone visits the hospital and meets DD before I get the chance too) sounds so irrational but I wake up in tears from it. Hormones! 😂❤️ Thank you everyone xx

My nephews baby is 9 days old and nobody has met her yet,they are allowing visits from Tomorrow

Hey OP
Don't stress yourself too much about it. Set your stall out now and stick to it. I had similar worries about MIL and she was a bit of a nightmare but we got through it, on our terms. If you set your stall out now it's already sorted.

PS section not as bad as you might think.

You’re being far too precious and overthinking it. Timed visits? Nobody stays long anyway. You’ll be glad of the company trust me!! You will bond with your child regardless of whether you’re alone with it or with other people. They literally just SLEEP.

Lie about when you're coming home for starters. Don't open the door if people show up that you don't want to see :-)

She isn't over thinking it and being far too precious, that's a very judgemental thing to say. Just because you feel one way, doesn't mean that everyone else feels the same.

After my first, I wasn't glad of the company. It was stressful and I didn't want people there at all, to start with. As for saying all newborns sleep, my first didn't sleep much, so when he did, I wanted to nap.

@MJW1999 you should plan exactly what you want to happen, after the birth and you and your DP should set it out clearly, and unambiguously. Don't be frightened to assert yourself, you're an adult with your own needs and wishes and others need to respect that, even your MIL.

My health visitor told me to put a note on the door, telling people that I was a new mum and needed to sleep and that they shouldn't knock on the door.