Can I hold off telling DH?

[namechangedlola]

I’ve just had (a very faint, but very there,) BFP! We’ve been TTC for a few months, and it is our first child together, and my first pregnancy - and my period was only due yesterday so I am only JUST 4 weeks gone. I’m beyond delighted, but also suddenly, and quite out of nowhere, feeling really protective of this news? And wondering about how / when to tell DH.

DH is notoriously terrible at keeping secrets, and will want to shout this from the rooftops as soon as I tell him, regardless of how early things are. We both have very close families, his with many children, and his family pay no heed at all to the 12 week pregnancy announcement typical timeline - his sister most recently told us at 5 weeks. They’ve been very lucky in that they’ve all had lots of children with no pregnancy issues, so thoughts of MC would be swiftly brushed off as being overly cautious.

He also has a 13yo DD - my DSD - who is desperate for a sibling, and I know regardless of whether our parents know, he will want her to know right away. My concern is she is only 13, and will be really excited - so I think she’ll struggle to keep it to herself too! And I wouldn’t want to put her through the trauma of a loss at this stage should the worst happen.

Is it crazy to think about keeping this to myself for another couple of weeks? And planning a nice “reveal” for DH? I know he’ll be ecstatic, but I also know telling him and asking him to hold it in will be impossible for him. Even if I managed til 8 weeks - I’d feel a bit better about the risks, and it’s less time for him to try to hold his water?

Is this an insane / awful thought? My head is all over the place so I’m fully prepped for a flaming, please be kind!

I always thought I’d want to tell close family immediately, and I’m so so close to my own family too - but I’m suddenly all over the place with whether or not I should even tell my mum just now, given the risks so early - never mind my masses of in-laws and wider family. I love DH to bits and am so excited to tell him - but I just know him and as soon as I do tell him he’ll be in a position! Any advice?

[NotExactlyMrsCurrentAffairs]

Congratulations!
Totally up to you but you may well need his support in the next couple of weeks, tiredness and nausea are hard to hide.

[ReceptacleForTheRespectable]

You don't trust him enough to keep it quiet, but you trust him enough to want to have a child with him?

I'd tell him, and be clear that you don't want it shared further.

[Tal45]

Congratulations, wonderful news! I think you have to tell him but make sure he knows about the risks. He then has to understand that if he tells anyone he also has to be prepared that he might have to tell them the worst news too. If he is ok with taking that risk with his DD then that is his decision. Also I think you both might want the support of parents and in laws if the worst was to happen. I definitely think you should tell him though and enjoy it together!! xxx

[PurBal]

I agree with PP. I had it fairly easy but I still got nauseous and slept for 12 hours at a time. Congratulations OP.

[BornIn78]

Your DH isn’t a toddler, if he respects your wishes he will keep it quiet, it’s really not “impossible” for him to do that.

[BumbleBiscuit]

You don't trust him enough to keep it quiet, but you trust him enough to want to have a child with him?

First thing that struck me too. Doesn’t bode well for cooperation and co-parenting.

[Santaiscovidfree]

Keep it a secret until your scan date. He sounds unlikely to keep your news to himself. Sharing with dc so soon isn't a good idea imo...

[SendMeHome]

Have you talked about who you’d tell, while you were trying? Me & DH have been trying for a few months but had the conversation a year or so ago about who we’d tell... I’m quite private and his mum is a worrier who will want to tell everyone, so I was harbouring dreams of getting pregnant quickly and not having to tell anyone for a few months because of lockdown.

Realistically it’s not that he can’t not tell people; it’s that he doesn’t want to - plenty of people do want to tell the world - and I wonder if there’s a compromise you’d both be happy with?

I can’t imagine keeping that news from my DH. He’d be gutted if he knew. He’s so excited for it all, I’d feel really bad robbing him of that.

[Alwaysready]

I agree with others, tell him but stress it's just you2 to know. If you're about to have a child with him he should be mature enough to keep this secret. Wouldnt tell the 13 year old yet .

[BigFatLiar]

Let him know but stress its early days so not to say anything until its properly confirmed to avoid possible disappointment.

[ReceptacleForTheRespectable]

@Santaiscovidfree

Keep it a secret until your scan date. He sounds unlikely to keep your news to himself. Sharing with dc so soon isn't a good idea imo...

How will he feel finding out at 8 weeks though? I'd be gutted if my spouse didn't trust me enough to tell me such important life changing news until the same time as they told everyone else.

[Santaiscovidfree]

At the op's say so he will want to tell dsd. Is he a decent df or a Disney one? Why would he not wait?

[namechangedlola]

@Santaiscovidfree He's not a Disney dad at all - he has DSD here 50% of the week, school runs, uniforms, clothes, phone bills, homework, hospital appointments, sickness, parents nights, friendship dramas, dance classes etc. (And still pays CSA to DM as though he's doing none of the above!)

I think he just would want her to be as involved as possible early on - he doesn't like to keep things from her, as they are very close. And she's been asking us for a sibling for years! I am also excited to tell her - but just nervous about it being such an early stage at the moment. I'm suddenly overcome with thinking about risks!

Whereas he has read nothing of mc risks and has previously shrugged it off as me worrying over nothing, as he's seen loads of successful pregnancies in close family from early dates. So to him it's genuinely not a big deal and he doesn't really compute the risks or think this is likely to happen to us I guess. It's nice he's positive!

It's not that I don't trust him - if I ask him not to say to anyone I know he wouldn't, much as he would hate it. It's more I know he'd WANT to tell everyone immediately, and would find holding his tongue difficult because of that - to the point where he'd hate keeping it a secret and feel in a bit of a position. Which isn't really how I'd want him to be feeling, though I also don't want to be pressured into telling people early. (Not that he'd do this on purpose!) Maybe I'm overthinking though and it's better than him not knowing for a couple of weeks, you're right, I'm not sure how he'd feel about that. Head is just all over the place!

[Aimee1987]

I came at this from the other side. It was my DP who wanted to keep it secret but I really struggled. I ended up telling the majority of people in my building a week or so later due to a health and safety issue that arose and a part of me resented being put in a position where I felt the need to keep it quite.
It is tricky and I see where your coming from but I think it's a conversation you need to have with your DH

[eatingfor2drinkingfor0]

A rule I have, is tell anyone that you would feel comfortable to tell that you had had bad news as well as good x

[SnickersnotMArs]

I remember reading similar to this before.

I think if you sit your DH down and explain to him you want to speak with him but you want to feel as though it will go no further. He should understand if you can’t trust him to do that. You have BIG problems. He’s an adult.

[Lullaby88]

I couldnt hide something like that from the father of my child! Its his news too and his happiness. Iv told my husband the moment iv felt pregnant and we will go through the journey together from stage 1 (buying th test).

[AgrippinaT]

You do you!

There's nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself for a while. It's your embryo, uterus and body. You don't owe it to anyone at all to tell your lovely news to. Savour the moment; enjoy it for a while.

Tell your partner when you like :)

[WeatherwaxLives]

We told my parents and DB at about 5 / 6 weeks. Can't remember when we told MIL and SIL. Must have been about the same time. Also told my BFF (who was also my manager at the time, so had to know why I was runni ghto the loo every 5 mins!)

We took the view that we told the people that we would want to turn to for support if the worst had happened.

But every one of those people was completely trusted not to breathe a word to anyone else until after the 12wk scan and confirmation everything was ok.

[orderlyfashion]

Lol I suspect the baby has been born by now .
ZOMBIE THREAD

[SweetBabyCheeses99]

I kinda think that if you’d tell someone that you’d had a MC then I don’t see what difference it makes if you tell them that you’re pregnant.

[WeatherwaxLives]

@orderlyfashion

Oh, bloody hell!

🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♂️ 🧟‍♂️

[Lauren441]

@AgrippinaT

You do you!

There's nothing wrong with keeping it to yourself for a while. It's your embryo, uterus and body. You don't owe it to anyone at all to tell your lovely news to. Savour the moment; enjoy it for a while.

Tell your partner when you like :)

Yes to this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its your choice.

And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with feeling like you don't want to tell your husband until whenever you are ready.

And just so you know, unlike a few of the other comments, it also doesn't mean you don't trust your husband. What your saying is you want to save him the agony of keeping the secret and avoid the sadness if things don't go to plan. There is nothing wrong with this!

Use the few weeks to plan a really nice reveal.