Telling a friend who has MC that I'm pregnant

[Breakfastfordinner]

Basically, how the heck do I have this conversation - and how long do I wait?

One of my dearest friends has just confided in me that she has had a late first trimester loss. It was her first pg. She has been messaging me via text as I have had MCs previously, and I have been trying to support her the best way I can. I am so heartbroken for her. She's been saying that I'm such a good friend supporting her, but it totally doesn't feel like it right now as I'm keeping this from her.

She told me the day after my 20 week scan, just after I'd told my kids (we waited til after the anomaly scan to tell them) and over the past few days have been telling people as I see them as I can't really hide my bump under baggy jumpers anymore. Obviously, if it was earlier on I would just keep quiet for longer.

I'm meant to be seeing her in a couple of weeks at a meet up with some of our other friends (none of whom know about the MC, or about my pg). Am I best off making some excuse and not going to give her more time as it'll still be so raw then? Or should I send a message beforehand and sensitively tell her my news, and let her decide whether she'd rather I took a step back for a bit?

Also, while I have no intention of posting anything on social media, and I'm telling everyone that finds out not to mention it online, just in case, I'm really worried she'll find out from someone else. I know this absolutely has to come from me.

She's a lovely person, and I know she won't be bitter or anything (she knows getting pg has been a pretty long road for me etc), but she will quite rightly be upset and it's just really, really horrid timing.

Basically, I want to know how & when to break the news in the most sensitive way I can. I don't want to cause any more pain than necessary.

If any of you have any advice or words of wisdom, I'd really appreciate it x

You sound lovely, OP. As a personal preference, having undergone 4 cycles of IVF before a successful pregnancy, and chemical pregnancies and miscarriages before that, I would have appreciated either an email or text. This means that they don't have to pretend to be thrilled for you whilst simultaneously shocked, dismayed, happy for you, devastation for themselves etc. They can digest it and summon the strength to be happy for you when they see you in person.

And they SHOULD be happy for you - just as you're sensitive to their feelings, they should recognise that this is a wonderful thing for you and do their best not to tarnish it for you.

Congratulations!

When I was in the same situation, I texted my friend a few days before I next saw her. Just so she could have some space if she needed it.

My lovely friend (who had roughly the same due date as me) miscarried just as I started to tell people. I didn't want her to hear it from anyone else so I called her and began with " I have something to tell you and if you want to hang up after I say it, I completely understand... "
She did hang up but called me back soon after. She said she appreciated that I told her myself.
We didn't have much contact over my pregnancy but she was lovely when DC was born even though it must have been so painful for her.

Love your sensitivity. Very kind. Def don't tell her in person. But I would tell her sooner rather than later so she hears it from you x

Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I really appreciate it.

Do you think it's better if I tell her sooner, or should I wait as long as possible? I don't want her to think I'm deliberately keeping it from her, but at the same time it's still so recent so I think it might be more upsetting...

I reckon sooner - I think she's going to have ups and downs for a while, sadly, so waiting probably won't help.

I would text her, it allows her to process it rather than having to put on a front if on the phone or face to face. I would also do it sooner rather than later- the later you leave it , the harder she may find it to deal with the baby and think it was deliberately kept even though your intentions are kind.

Email or text, asap.

Message her before you see her, and certainly before you see her within a group of friends and reveal your pregnancy.

Firstly, congratulations!
Secondly you shouldn’t feel bad, you should tell her via text message or email. Let her process it, I’m sure she will be happy for you. Maybe just not mention it too often when you’re around her and just act like you normally would as she would probably be able to tell if you felt awkward etc :)

I had to do the same with my sister. We had 3 MC between us and she was really depressed when I found out I was PG again. When I told her I did it by message because I didn't want to put he through pretending to be happy for me and holding back the tears. I gave her some space and kept updated via my mum. I know she was happy for me but also jealous/angry/upset you name it at the same time. It took her a few weeks but gradually she started to ask more details and become more involved, I am now 23 weeks and she is over the moon for me and can not wait. We're all human and sometimes just need a bit of time to lick our wounds. You sound like a very supportive friend and I hope she will want to return that kindness to you too. Good luck ❤️

Ps If she hadn't had a mc would you have already told her? If so I would do it sooner rather than later, give her more time to get her head around it before baby is here x

I’ve been this friend, please txt or email and sooner rather than later. It’s such an emotional journey and I appreciated the space to work through my own feelings in private. I was of course happy for my friend but it was impossible for me to overcomes my initial upset when I found out. This could of been mistaken as upset at my friend but it wasn’t it was upset for myself and the unfairness at my own infertility. Allow her time to work out her own emotions
You sound like a great friend

I know this is an old post put for women in a similar situation, after my MMC I had 2 sets of friends and a family member all get pregnant within a month after. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them but yes I did cry with everyone who announced it.

My DP broke the news to me about our friends - I could cry and get my own frustrations out without my friends being aware of me even being upset. If you're able to do this, do this.

My family member didn't know about the MMC, but told my mum first. She politely asked if she could tell me and explained the situation (she didn't have to do this of course) I really appreciated this at the time, my mum sat me down and told me. We had a hug and a cry together, then I had time to pull myself around, wish my family member well and take myself away from the Facebook announcements.

This may sound odd but when I was having mcs I never had any problem with people being pregnant who I knew had also had mcs - the news brought me hope rather than sadness.