Telling a family member who has lost

[lisaaa456]

Hey guys found out I'm 6 weeks and I'm actually excited about it however I have a close family member who has experienced extreme loss trying to have a baby. I love her so so much and have been there to experience all of it so I'm terrified of telling her because I know she will be heartbroken. It's not fair that I'm pregnant now and I can't seem to shake it. How do I tell her in the most loving way possible? Please help

Sorry to hear that you're struggling with this but congratulations on your pregnancy. Hopefully folk will be along soon with some advice.

i think the best you can do is be honest and communicate directly, don't let her find out from someone else or on fb, don't assume how she will react, give her an easy way to end the interaction....eg, don't tell her at the beginning of a weekend away, better to have a coffee and tell her when it's nearly time to part. I had similar situation once and it was appreciated that I had made an effort to tell her 1-1 and acknowledged it might be hard to hear.

I would tell her first so as she has some time to process it and be careful about how you word it.

Congratulations

I experienced this with my sis getting pregnant after I MC my first. She will probably be heart broken for herself but over the moon for you. Tell her sensitively, have time for a cry together and and share your anticipation with her. She'll be more heart broken if you hold it back from her, even if you explain it was for her wellbeing. She doesn't want to burden others or others to step back from living their lives in front of her. Does she have any LO already? Do you? Don't go out for coffee, go somewhere familiar and safe (home) and let hern show her emotions where it is less public than a cafe if she needs to.

Thanks so much for your feedback and advice x

She has no other children unfortunately it has been a horrible experience for our whole family because it is all we want for her I 100% respect she will be heartbroken I am scared I will lose her in my life when she is like my bestfriend I will absolutely give her time and let her know that I respect her feelings and don't want to hide anything from her this will be the first in the whole family since my little sister was born so a bit crazy

I have been in this position and it is so hard. In the end, I actually sent the person a text message saying that I was only telling her that way so that she could have the space to deal with the news how she wanted to. We then had a phone call about an hour later which was nice. I made sure she was the first person we told so that there was no chance she would find out off someone else.

Tell her sensitively, have time for a cry together and and share your anticipation with her. She'll be more heart broken if you hold it back from her, even if you explain it was for her wellbeing.

But it really depends on your relationship, my sister who never dropped by came over to tell me face to face and to sensitively share her news and did exactly this. But I didn't want to cry over her news, of course I was heartbroken but for her i was overjoyed. I held it together and after doing lots of happy smiles etc but I just really wanted her to go home so I could grieve privately. She though however felt we could share my sorrow and stayed until I felt that crying would make her feel reassured and she would go home. So I eventually cracked and she went home. But intrinsically it was my sadness and I feel she intruded into this and years later she resents that I cried when I was told of her pregnancy. There were no winners. Personally I straightforward text would have been ideal followed by a phone call a few days later!

Congratulations

Definitely tell her first. Just be open about letting her know you are thinking about her and how she will react. Do a lot of listening if she talks. Tell her she is to tell you to tone it down with her if your joy ever is too much for her etc. Ask her to let you know how to support her best.
Congrats.

Agree with others, she will be really pleased for you but upset for herself. She will need time to process your news so make sure to give her the space she needs.
Personally finding about it via a text isn’t the best. She could be anywhere when she reads it! Tell her face to face, I’ve been in your friends situation and it’s hard but face to face is best.

On the infertility board, where many people have suffered losses and find pregnancy announcements hard, text message is always is voted the best way to find out. Do it in an evening where she’s likely to be home and just keep it factual.

I wouldn’t put anything about knowing she’ll find this news hard, or giving her space or whatever. It’s bad enough not reacting normally to happy news without having it pointed out to you that others know.

Nobody wants to cry when someone tells them they’re pregnant and you absolutely don’t want them to console you.

One of my best friends from school suffered immensely with fertility problems, and had been trying for at least two years when I fell pregnant.

Very much like you, I was worried about how to break the news but in the end it was absolutely fine. She said to me that while she may be sad for herself and her own situation, this would not stop her from being happy for me.

It was strange for her to reassure me when it was her going through hard times, but I am glad I told her, otherwise it would have made her feel worse that I felt I couldn't share my news with her.

Your relationship will dictate how you break the news, either my a message or face to face. Either way, I wouldn't exclude her from knowing because she has her own difficulties. This should not stop her from being happy for you, even if the news hits hard. If she does react badly, it isn't because of you but because it is painful to hear. She might need time and space to grieve, but hopefully in the end she will realise you mean no harm. She will find out sooner or later and it's best not to hear things from someone else.

Hi OP

You sound so lovely and really considerate - please don’t feel guilt for your pregnancy, your family member won’t want that.
I was in a similar situation and got fab advice on here. My best friend had a terrible loss (well they’re all terrible but I mean she was hospitalised, the physical side lasted longer than most etc) and ultimately I text her.

The advice I received was from women who were in her shoes and so I really listened to it.
They explained pregnancy loss brings feelings like nothing else and that whilst she may ultimately be happy for me (you in this case!) that it may be masked or mingled with huge sadness, anger etc. and she may choose to step back a little while she processes.

They suggested texting and saying there was no pressure to respond but that you were there if they wanted to chat.

My friend was so incredible that I was actually a bit overwhelmed, and she’s remained completely selfless throughout my pregnancy by taking care of me, asking questions and not showing any feeling she’s may be having of it being hard on her. That doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling it so I try to be considerate without cutting her out. Others have shared stories that haven’t gone so well with the person who has lost stepping back slightly but just know this is self preservation and then managing their own emotion and self care. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you or want the best for you it’s just a coping strategy.

This is a snippet of a wider message I sent her in case it helps:

I wanted to let you know that I’m pregnant. I had my 12 week scan today and am due in March.
I’m really conscious that you may be feeling a whole raft of complicated emotions and that it’s ok for you to not text back etc. but please know I just want you to be OK. I love you and if you want to talk, I’m here xxx

Hope your conversation goes well, however you choose to do it (or have done it!!)

Meet up with her (if possible) and tell her before you post anything to allow her time to process it.