Boundaries...

[WingingIt101]

Hope this is the right area to post this....

My DH and I have agreed that when our first baby arrives at the end of March that we will not have visitors straight away and we are not willing to put a deadline on ourselves for when we may want to see everyone. We have no idea how we will all be feeling and could be ready after 2 hours, or 2 months - who knows. We are both clear on this.
We also want to know we can limit a visit time and have family who are not local to us stay at a hotel rather than assume they can stay at our two bed house with a new baby!

We are also both anxious about people visiting with bugs or cold sores and would want to limit people coming if they were unwell.

My brother lives abroad and asked that I call him when I go into labour so he can book the next available flight home. As it’s my own brother I felt comfortable saying he wasn’t to be so ridiculous and we would be telling people when the baby had arrived and no sooner, and even then we would not want guests straight away so he would be best to wait before hopping on a plane. He apologised and acknowledged how bonkers he had seemed! I know he will respect our wishes.

Today I was shopping with MIL and I recounted this story about my brother whilst giggling about how crazy he had been. MIL looked at me agog and said well clearly we will all want to see the baby as soon as possible. I repeated that we would let people know when we were ready and wouldn’t be open to visits before this. She then pooh poohed what I’d said and said “well we will only pop in for ten minutes or so at a time” she’s unlikely to respect our wishes and frankly made it clear as the conversation continued that I needed to think more of others wishes and therefore should put the rights of grandparents etc before my own desire to take my time with our new baby.

My question therefore is how can we kindly make it clear to all our family and friends that we will be really happy to show off the baby but until we are in the situation we just won’t know when, therefore we will let everyone know when it arrives and when we are ready after that we will then invite visitors. When visitors come how do we then clearly but kindly set boundaries with everyone so that we are not overwhelmed and nobody else is surprised when the time comes if they are not invited to stay over for days at a time whilst riddled with bugs!!

Kindly, I think you need to unclench. Most people are not stupid and wouldn't come to your house with a flu and expect to be put up for a week will they?

To suggest to a grandparent that you may not be ready to share your beautiful new baby for up to 2 mi ths is cruel beyond words. If you take this route you need to be prepared that your relationship may be permanently damaged as they will be upset and rightly so.
I'm guessing that your DM isn't in the picture?

I’m going to be brutally honest with you. Nobody, and I mean absolutely nobody, will be interested in your non-premature baby if you wait 2 months before introducing them. The newborn visiting period for healthy at term baby is within the first 6 weeks: once you get it out of the way it’s done. Chances are family won’t return immediately after that or be in the slightest interest. They want to see a new baby that’s all.

So I would say allow 2 weeks for you to establish feeding and recover, then slowly have visitors but make it clear that they won’t be hosted and set clear timeframes that your DH then needs to enforce. Prioritise the people who will do things for you first - so if mil will bring a meal or make you cups of tea then definitely let her be among the first but if she’s not then postpone or let your DH take the baby for a strict hour or two to see her.

Obviously this depends on your health too. If you have had a difficult birth then things would need to be tweaked.

Sorry the whole 2 hours or two months was supposed to be illustrative in that we don’t know how long we will want or need. At a guess I’d say a week or so assuming we don’t have any nightmare birth situations but I’m worried if we say now that it’ll be one week that we are then held to that.
My question was really what can we say that will help anyone who doesn’t seem to be conscious of boundaries to recognise them in a kind way rather than a “don’t come anywhere near us” kind of way!

OK, in a nice way, it’s just a baby. Lovely and precious as they are, most people aren’t that invested in other people’s. For those with skin in the game ie grandparents, no, they don’t have rights as such, but do consider the fact they are experienced parents who want to check on their own DCs welfare just as much as they want to meet a grandbaby. Set your own boundaries of course, but try to do it in a wider context. Your baby will need and want their wider family, and will enjoy the story and or photos of them meeting their family members, later. Don’t put people up, that’s fine, you don’t want to be inundated, that’s fine.

But they are saying they will only come in for ten minutes at a time, off their own bat. Believe me when I say I know, I had the first grandchild on both sides and the first baby in my family for 20 years. My child gave new titles to a lot of people, yes my new title of mother was rather central to the proceedings, but the brand new grandmothers, brand new grandfather, brand new great-grandparents, new uncles, new aunts, they are involved. And usually, it is better that way, not to sound trite but it does take a village.

It always surprises me how often this comes up on here. I’ve never seen it hear of anyone in real life that’s done this. Your MIL was probably surprised and (understandably) hurt.

In that case...Just tell them we’ll call you when we’re ready. That’s what I said. No need to offer up a date because someone will always get offended. To boost mil’s ego you could always tell her she’ll be the first to see baby (whether that’s true or not lol). As for your brother - if he’s coming down from overseas it might make more sense to see him later. My mil is from overseas too and can only come when the baby is 6-7 months old due to visa and health issues but by then you could probably host him even if he does stay at a hotel.

You are stressing to much about this. Immediate family ie grandparents I let visit within the first day or two. No one stayed long, just excited to meet the little one. Other family and friends waited until we were more settled.

See how you feel when the baby arrives.

Agree with others, you are totally overthinking it.

My SIL did this. It was a pain. No hospital visits, given a half hour time slot regardless of whether we were free or not. Ie, Wednesday at two, SIL I work full time.....

When I had Dd she came merrily to the hospital, at a visit that worked for her, and laughed at her ridiculousness.

My mum and dad came to the hospital 11 hours after i had my son, then visited approx every other day. It did get a bit much but is a lot better now. Everyone else seemed to wait to ask.

You can always lock the door and close the curtains if they are just going to turn up

You need to get a grip. Just let them come if everything goes well. It's their grandchild and niece/Nephew.
You are being incredibly precious and I have a feeling you'll find those newborn weeks and months incredibly hard

You may actually want people to come and fawn over your baby! Just wait and see

Everyone has different preferences for when they're ready for visitors and of course you should decide yours.
As for bugs and illnesses I think it's universally agreed that anyone sick needs to stay away from newborns. Just reiterate this before ppl visit and check with ppl if they are well. But no point bringing it up at this point as it's just common sense.

I've never had anyone I know not want to show off their baby within the first few days. Even ones with difficult births. Especially to the grandparents. A baby is very boring and I welcomed the visitors.
I was out the next day after returning from the hospital. We went to a restaurant and I got over the first hurdle - breastfeeding in public!
Each to his own and just be firm but I think you may find not quite as you expect.

Really struggling to understand your post. Why would you want to isolate yourselves? Feel really sorry for your poor MIL - how would you like to be told you might have to wait two months to meet your grandchildren etc. My darling mum has always met my babies day they were born mother- friends and family more than welcome to visit hospital or home - so many people were so helpful when I ended up wi5 sections and couldn’t drive. People generally aren’t morons And don’t overstay or come when they are sick. My beloved dad died when I was seven months pregnant 12 years ago - what I would have paid for him to hold my daughter and now I’m 7 months pregnant again, I would love to have the opportunity for him to be there. You will probably reach a stage when the baby is 3-4 months when you would pay for company - it’s a long day

Wow!!!!
Your intentions might be good but your post is so uptight...

After reading how you break the news about “ your plan” to to your Poor MIL ... i guess it is clear you are not capabable to say things “kindly”...