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Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t want baby

13 replies

BG1234 · 13/10/2018 18:03

Hello,
I’ve joined today just to post this as I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone and am so lost.

I am 36 with no kids and so is my boyfriend. We have been together for over two years (with 2 months apart) but we don’t live together despite my pushing because of financial/practical issues on his side. When we got together I made it clear I wanted kids and was aware I didn’t have loads of time to waste. He said he wasn’t as ready as me.
Despite that, through his choice, maybe 50% of the time we’ve had unprotected sex over the past year. Last week I found out I was maybe 5 weeks pregnant and told him straight away. He put his head in his hands and didn’t say anything. When we did eventually speak he said he didn’t see how we could consider keeping it. I said I wasn’t sure if the relationship could survive s termination that was quite one-sided. I said maybe I should go it alone and then make the decision as a single person.
After a bad week he asked to see me last night to talk. I said I wasn’t sure as I’d been feeling rough/exhausted and didn’t want any extra drama. But I agreed and he came round. He then asked me how things would work if I raised it and we weren’t together. I saw red and got very angry.
Today I am wondering if I’m being fair on him or if it’s the hormones. He says he doesn’t know how to make it right but I just feel so angry. I know the timing is far from ideal but at the same time I am 36 and a small part of me hoped he would just step up to the mark. I also feel like such an idiot for thinking this.
I have cried in bed all day today. I haven’t told anyone as my family are very protective of me after an ex-husband cheated a few years ago. My friends are also the same. I don’t want them to worry, pity me or think I’m idiot. I think that enough.
Any advice welcome. I am distraught and angry. I am not sure if I am being unreasonable and hormone led.

OP posts:

OxeyeDaisy · 13/10/2018 20:12

Hiya,

Oh bless you. First off a big hug x

I think the fact that he has been willing to have unprotected sex with you knowing full well what might happen speaks volumes.

There will never be a right time and none of us will ever be in the perfect position.

If you are happy to go it alone, I would have a chat with him and let him know that it’s your plan to carry on with the pregnancy and that you would like his support, participation or however involved you would like him to be and leave it at that. Once he’s over the ‘shock’ he may come around to the idea

If you end up going it alone arm yourself with knowledge of what your entitled to, what you plan for child care etc and then when your ready tell those close to you and then at least you are ready and prepared for the questions and can hold your head high xx

UghFletcher · 13/10/2018 20:20

First of all congratulations!

Secondly, he was happy to have unprotected sex therefore he must be prepared for the consequences of his actions. He can't feign ignorance now and act like he wasn't prepared for this.

It's bloody tough but if you do need to go this alone then you absolutely can.

Flatasapancakenow · 13/10/2018 20:25

Congratulations OP .

Why was he happy to have unprotected sex if he wasn't happy with a baby ?

I was a single parent with DS1, I don't regret a minute of it. He was totally worth it.

Original poster

BG1234 · 13/10/2018 20:51

Thanks for your replies.
When we’ve spoken about when we are prepared to have kids I’ve said how it’s not so easy to conceive once you hit 35. He’s said he had that in his head plus he also had a nagging feeling that he was infertile.
I’m not sure how I feel about going it alone. First of all I have no idea how I would manage it financially and that’s before getting into everything else. At the same time I’m very aware that I’m lucky to have conceived at 36 and it might not be the same in a couple of years time.
Every time I think about these being my only two options my heart sinks

OP posts:

Original poster

BG1234 · 13/10/2018 20:57

Oh, and he also said that when we hadn’t used protection it was in close proximity to when we had, eg, protected sex the night before and unprotected sex in the morning, and he believed that would lessen the chances too.

OP posts:

Flatasapancakenow · 13/10/2018 21:14

Plenty of people in very poor financial positions manage. You can talk to citizens advice and see what you would be entitled to, you might be surprised.

Frankly his logic around unprotected sex is ridiculous. YANBU to be angry and disappointed in him.

I would tell whichever friends or family you are closest too. You need real life support too.

Leese6 · 07/11/2018 17:59

I’m so sorry your partner isn’t supportive, I fear my partner would have a similar response 😔. Please DONT let him talk you out of keeping this baby if you want it. I think you are right, it’s harder to conceive past 35, it’s a little miracle for you.
I hope you can gradually tell friends and family who are going to give you the support you need

kenandbarbie · 07/11/2018 18:12

Congratulations!! I would keep the baby which you obviously want. You have loving family so you will sort everything else out. He might come round he might not, but frankly those are pathetic excuses he's making and I would just disregard him except for making sure he pays his way.

AuntMarch · 15/11/2018 20:07

And he is 36, not 16?
Do NOT terminate this pregnancy just because he is freaking out. You would never forgive him and the relationship wouldn't survive. I've been there, and I didn't have the age thing to consider either.

I am now 33 and pregnant for the first time since and absolutely would rather do it on my own if I had to than not do it at all!

AuntMarch · 15/11/2018 20:08

Sorry, just seen how old this is! I hope all is going well now though OP!

Anonymity111 · 09/01/2023 22:28

So i found out i'm pregnant today, 6 weeks tomorrow, im F19 nearly 20 and my boyfriend is M20 nearly 21 and he wasn't best pleased, this wasn't planned at all, and he's been super supportive as in being there for me today. He has said he is leaning more to an abortion, as We don't live together, or close to each other. I live on my own. My problem i'm having is i don't think i want an abortion i've watched people around me have them and it ruined them. I don't think i can handle that pain. He said he would help me if i decided to keep it and we would get through it, but i know he's hoping for an abortion. I just can't seem to get my head around it all. Any advice or help would be appreciated ❤️

Sorrentino · 04/01/2024 00:05

Your body, your choice. He’s welcome to an opinion but he doesn’t get a vote. Re keeping the baby, You should do whatever you think is best for you. He’s legally obligated to provide financial support if you decide to go ahead. However, I’d have some significant questions for him to answer before continuing the relationship either way. He’s been utterly self-involved and seems uninterested in what’s going on for you at all. He seems unaware that it’s not his decision and, frankly, pressuring you to have a termination is bullying behaviour. I wouldn’t expect the arrival of a baby to jog him into a state of adulthood or responsibility. If you stay with him I think you should expect to be a single parent to two children, rather than a co-parent to one.

AHBM2020 · 21/12/2024 11:47

His reaction is not okay, I think he's voicing his panic and fears in a bad way. I feel like a lot of men feel like their entire lives will change, and try to run away from that. I think time may be best for you guys, so he can wrap his head around the idea of fatherhood, and give you some space to breathe.

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