Unable to get upset

[loopyloops]

Hi all

I just explained my story on another thread but I'll go through it again here:

I had a 32 week scan that found that one of my twin girls had died in the womb. 2nd twin survived, and after a difficult spell in NICU and a very difficult time for us as we had moved area but were renovating so we had to stay with friends then a holiday cottage, she is now home with us, and is a happy and healthy 1 year old.

My problem is that I can't get upset over anything apart from the lovely baby that I lost. I have had another person very close to me die, and another is dying, but I can't get upset about it. It's almost as if I don't deserve to be upset because it's not about my daughter, then I feel guilty for not being upset for the others.
However, anything to do with children can make me cry, for instance the documentary on Kerry Katona made me cry, as I saw that she and her horrible ex weren't treating their children properly.

I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced this? I'm having therapy (finally, waited nearly a year) and the lady suggested that I allow myself to be upset for my daughter and pretend to others it is about the other situations if that is what's appropriate. I'm not convinced by this, it's making me feel even more guilty about the whole thing.

Sorry for the thoughts all over the place and probably silly post, but has anyone experienced anything similar?

Hi Loopy. I just saw the post you put on Midori's thread, and was unsure whether to reply to you there as I didnt want to hijack .

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you, its heartbreaking, all the stories on this board are

I think I understand, to an extent, what you are saying. Since losing my DS in December I feel completely numb and unable to connect to certain situations. For me its not grief that I cant show so much, I just feel unable to relate to other people; especially at family parties etc. I just don't care anymore, most of the time, if you know what I mean? I know its not 100% what you are feeling, but I wanted to try and relate in some way and say its normal.

Therapy is a good idea, you can never talk too much.... but I dont really understand what shes saying about getting upset - you should cry at appropriate moments for your lost DD, but pretend its other stuff making you cry? That doesnt sound right to me!

Thanks Abi. I also feel like you, I guess it's any heightened emotion really. I also just don't acre about trivial things in other people's lives any more and often just sit and pretend to listen.

The ladies advice was, when I see my friend who is dying, if I get upset just to pretend it's about her not my baby. Sounds silly to me, but then I disagree with her on quite a few matters. I've waited so long though for an appointment that I don't want to ask for someone else.

Do you mind me asking, what happened with your son? It has taken me so long to get to the point that I can speak to people about this kind of thing, and it is nice to know that I'm not alone, even if it breaks your heart again and again hearing people's stories.

Thanks for your support, you take care too xxx

Oh I'm all about the "sitting and pretending". At work I just cannot get involved with peoples chatter, I just DON'T CARE!

I'm so sorry for your friend. I mean, I dont really agree with what the counsellor is saying to be honest, to just pretend, that would almost be like crocodile tears for me and send me (personally) off on a guilt spiral... I suppose, if it was me, I'd try and relate the emotions your friend was feeling to those I had for my DS, and then talk about it... but really I dont know. You're friend probably want's to just talk about her situation... its a toughy. Sorry, I'm rubbish today - having one of THOSE days.

I don't mind being asked at all; I much prefer talking about Archie than having it all be a bit cloak and dagger, IYSWIM. In fact I think I am unerving people by talking about him TOO openly

My DS, Archie, was born on Oct 28th 2009. Wonderful labour (hypnobirthing and everything! ), came home after 10 hours, fed like a dream - everything was perfect. Then on Dec 16th 2009 he vomited after a feed, for the first time ever, and turned a funny yellow colour. I panicked and called an ambulance; they came and took us to the local A&E who confirmed it was serious... We were blue-lighted to St Georges in Tooting, where they performed emergency surgery. It turned out he had a malrotated bowel, which hadn't been diagnosed as he was so happy at home, he fought against it for so long... They did surgery as his bowel had turned septic where it had become tangled, and removed 90% of it. He was then in PICU on ventilators for 6 days, but he wasnt strong enough to fight it any longer, and we had to turn his life support machines off. He died aged 7wks +6.

The shock of having my perfect life shattered was unbearable. Coming home, on 22nd December, and telling my DD (aged 5) that he'd died broke my heart, and I know I'll never be 100% okay again. Its been so hard, but just like you have to keep ploughing on for my DD.

Its made me question everything in life, and thats why I have such a hard time connecting now I think.

xx

You're right by the way, it is comforting in an odd way to talk to other people about their losses, I like not feeling like the only one

Oh my goodness, that is so awfully tragic, I'm so sorry.

Totally with you there with people getting unnerved. I gave up talking to people about it because I could feel it was causing them discomfort and pain, and the people who never mention it and just think it will go away drive me mad. Some of my family have been like this. We had a christening and memorial service, which I think helped people to recognise what happened, and was nice for those that we didn't ask / didn't bother to come (brother, another story) to the funeral.

I think I'm focusing quite a lot at the moment on future pregnancies. Lots of people have been asking me, and I go from definitely wanting another now to knowing that I couldn't go through it all again without a nervous breakdown. And if anything happened again I don't think I could survive. But I have DD to think about.

Thanks, it was awful.

I actually have started deliberately talking more, as I am so f*ing fed up with it being a taboo, and people like you and I having to feel like we've done something wrong, or like its our fault and we're "burdening" others with our grief and presence, IYKWIM?

The memorial service and christening sounds nice I found the chaplain a real help, which was surprising as I am not really religious at all.

Future pregnancies are hard... I actually am pregnant, 19+5, and I am finding it hard somedays. The guilt mainly, and I worry that other people will think its too soon; like theres an acceptable grieving period or something! I am scared how I will feel when he/she arrives, but I try to focus on how bloody lucky I am to be pregnant in the first place. I dont know about you but a small part of me does feel slightly "robbed" - I used to be so positive and happy about everything, now I just worry and skulk.

I'm sure it will all be fine. Don't beat yourself up. I understand why you're feeling guilty but you shouldn't, if you see what I mean?
Don't worry about what other people think. There are bigger priorities.

Good luck with the pregnancy, this must be an exciting and terrifying time.

My theory is that we detach a bit from other losses because to feel them fully would be to open ourselves up to revisiting our own pain in an uncontrollable way. As though on some level we know it's all too much, so we protect ourselves in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Also, shattering losses tend to blow everything else out of the water. And once you've had more than one or two, even funerals become quite prosaic occasions. I went to one recently where I felt enormous relief that it was an old fella, not my immediate family, not a big drama - we were quite giddy about how easy it all was compared to others!

Try not to be too hard on yourself. And sod the ones who think it's too soon. What the hell would they know about it!

Thanks LF Hope you're well, and good luck with TTC - try acupuncture, seriously....