Who do I need to talk to about this (may offend sorry)

[Owlsmum]

Please don't judge me too harshly, I'm aware what I'm about to say may sound awful and I don't want to upset anyone who has very recently lost a baby.

Last year my much wanted second baby died in utero following PROM halfway through the pregnancy. I very quickly became pregnant again and now have a young baby. It was a very very rough, the new baby has some (temporary non-life threatening) health problems.

It is coming up to the time where my second baby would be turning one. I am struggling with the bond with the new(ish) baby. I love him but sometimes feel angry that I had to have him, that I should be the mum of a one year old and a toddler, not a toddler and a new baby, that (and this is the worst one) he is not a girl. My second baby was a girl and I now have two sonss. I'm not sure I can go through another pregnancy and feel like I have lost the chance of having a girl. I wish I could have her and maybe him as my third baby.

Is this normal? Has anyone else felt like this? Do I need to do anything or will this settle down and I will get over it? He's not that new btw, don't want to give myself away but we're around weaning time. Sorry if I've upset anyone who has lost their only baby, I'm aware of how selfish and evil I sound.

You don't sound evil or selfish. You are still mourning for your daughter. That doesn't mean you don't love your sons. Of course you feel cheated and angry. You lost a baby. That's an incredibly difficult thing to go through, whether you have other children or not.

Normal is probably wrong word but understandable yes. I still feel guilt that I have dd as I "should" not have had her if my son hadn't died . I know someone else whose child died suddenly and went onto have another but still feel that they would rather that child that died was there.

Whether you do something is up to you but my suggestion is that these feelings probably won't go away so if you can see your gp about getting some therapy or counselling . Also cruse may be helpful or sands (am sure you know this already.

My own personal experience was that therapy has helped me understand and deal
With my feelings (it's a work I. Progrss though).

And agree I didn't read your post as evil or selfish I read it as someone who is struggling with loss of a child.

You definitely do no not sound selfish or in the slightest bit evil. In fact you sound totally totally normal. You lost your little girl.

Time will help I am sure and in the meantime don't beat yourself up and go easy on yourself

Thanks everyone for your responses. I had bereavement counselling throughout the pregnancy with my youngest (basically I woke up every day thinking this was the day my waters would break / the baby would die) but stopped once the baby was born. I suppose I thought all my problems would go away once I had a healthy living baby.

I have put off contacting SANDS because I know all the befrienders are people who've lost babies and I don't want to upset or offend them iyswim, particularly if they had lost a little boy or their only child. Perhaps I should contact my bereavement counsellor from before - although I sort of wanted her to think I had had my happy ending. Maybe GP would be better, I'm concerned this may affect DS2 or turn into PND or something.

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here as I have 'only' had first trimester MC's, but I felt exactly the same way. I have two children missing from my family. My first would now be approaching 14 and my third would be nearly 5...I also think there may have been one that would have been almost 6, but that one was so early, I had no proof, just a knowing IYSWIM.
It has become easier to live with, but you don't forget and it takes a long time.
Did you have any counselling? if not, maybe you would benefit from it.
I hope you start to feel differently sooner.

I'm really sorry, my laptop has taken so long to post that that it's now out of date so to speak. Huge apologies.

Hope this one doesn't take an hour...

'Perhaps I should contact my bereavement counsellor from before - although I sort of wanted her to think I had had my happy ending.'

It depends if you felt this counsellor was right for you. If you had a good counselling relationship with her before, I would say definitely contact her. She already knows the background and you will be able to pick up where you left off before.

If you really don't feel comfortable talking to the same counsellor again, then the best course of action would be your GP, who can refer you to another counsellor.

I find it hard to believe that any befriender from SANDS is going to be offended by your feelings - you really do need to stop beating yourself up about this. What you are going through sounds completely understandable. I don't speak from personal experience but I can see easily why you would feel the way you do.

Your love for both your sons comes across loud and clear in your op. But so does your grief for your daughter, who you lost really very recently.

Stop feeling guilty and get yourself some support.

Having lost my DS1 at term I know I am incredibly lucky to have gone on to have DD and DS2 BUT.... I still feel someone is missing.Not all the time but sometimes And I am 12 years on. I think if I had 20 children I would feel I should have 21.Believe me its very very hard for you ,you have my deep sympathy and understanding.When I had DD i was so happy but when my cousin had a boy a few weeks later I burst into tears.It will get easier,Is there anyone you can talk to in RL