Strange feeling- 30 years on

[GiraffeYoga]

Just wanted to write it down really.

30 years today, my oldest sibling died suddenly with no prior illness during the night. He was 10.

After that happened life was a struggle, Parents divorced. We never discuss him nor mention his name. Was apparently the only way of dealing with it at the time.

So much of my life has been indirectly dominated by this event that its been really hard to see what really happened for what it was. I.e my parents losing their 'PFB'. Now I've got a daughter of my own, I really do get it. I cant conceive how hard it must have been/ still be.

So my mum is on her own today (single) 30yrs on and Im too afraid to mention it for fear of 30yrs grief appearing.

Just wanted to write that really.

What happens if you broach the subject, or have you never tried?

I'd have thought that she thinks about it an awful lot, and she may well be very open to having a chat on the subject.

I suspect she'd like to discuss it. I've just got some block. I was told to never mention it again when I was very young and that is very ingrained. I have huge issues discussing it wth anyone. Hence writing here rather than mentioning to my DH or anyone in RL.

SO much water has gone under bridge since it happened. Im not sure where I'd start either.

She was his Mum, she's got to be remembering...I really feel for you, some days are difficult. People remember in different ways. My Mum died 16 yrs ago in July, my Dad goes for a walk. my sister lights a candle and I go to the crem with flowers. It all helps to know we are each remembering her in our own ways. Maybe if you call her and say - you realize its not been an easy day for either of you, and take it from there.. All best

What about asking to see family photo album? That might prompt her to start talking?

or popping a thinking of you card through the door?

Giraffe, I'm so sorry to hear this, what a sad family story.

How about sending her a card, as a gentle way of opening the lines of communication? 30 years is a long time to keep quiet about something like this. If you sense she might be open to talking about it, you're quite possibly right. She may even want to talk with you but may mistakenly think that you don't want to talk. She may even feel guilty for the pressure she and your father put you under. You could both start to reassure and support each other if you talk.

Who was it that told you to never mention it?! I think that's absolutely dreadful. I can't imagine as a child having to hold all that emotion in.

I can see why it would make it difficult to open up, but I suppose all you can do is open your mouth and let some words come out. If that's excruciating, how about you just say his name? Can you say it out loud to yourself?

Sorry for delay, went out this afternoon.

Thanks for your replies.

Im not sure I could go over and ask to look at photos. This is making me realise Im probably afraid of my own grief as much as hers.

I've had 6yrs of counselling (10yrs ago now), which helped me with indirect issues but I've never grieved- I wasnt sure how it was possible when I didnt really know him (I only have a few memories and some might be in my imagination via photos)

Nomnom- It was my mother who said not to mention it. I'd imagine she couldnt cope with it herself and having an 3 YO asking questions etc must have been difficult.

I dont think I can say his name outloud to myself. Its crazy really, its just a word...

I've spent years being quite angry and frustrated with my mother- mainly for being so different to friends parents that I never really saw it from her shoes. Now I've got DD it has made a quite an impact on me.

My dad had an affair shortly after this happened is now married to the same lady with two, now grown up children. Think he was after a replacement family. Oddly enough I dont have the issues with him that I have with my mum.

My sisters experience is very different, she was older than me, but younger than me. So rememembered more. She loathes my dad and has a different r'ship with my mother.

Sorry- random waffling there....

thanks for your posts.

but younger than him

Giraffe, how are things going? Have you made a decision about whether to broach the subject with your mother yet?

Hi Speedy
thanks for posting.
Sorry for the delay, I've been away.

Not decided yet. It would take a huge amount of courage to bring up the subject and Im not sure Im ready for the fall out.

I'd really want my sister around to be part of the conversation as she remembers more than me but she is away overseas for now.

Its tricky. Not even sure how I'd broach the subject if I'd want to...

Giraffe - my mother lost her brother 48 years ago. He commited suicide. My Grandmother (mother's mother) died a few years ago and that unearthed the story when I found out. My Uncle has never been spoken of for years.

My mother I am sure is holding that grief and guilt inside of her and from what little I know caused great unhappiness to her and to some extent has damaged her relationship with me. She sees her brother in me. I want to talk to her and feel I cannot.

I also know a woman who's son died from choking accident 20 years ago. Just talking to her it is obvious there is a great big hole in her life.

What you and your mother feel is very normal.

Hello BeenBeta.

Thanks for sharing your experience and Im sorry you too find it hard to discuss. Its odd how death is a taboo for many people. I guess especially under the circumstances of suicide in your family.

Since reading your post I've been trying to think about it differently. Ie seeing my mothers life broken apart by grief that she cant talk about. Im so very upset to think of her in so much pain - I cant face that. Im wondering what if any difference talking about it would do...

Whilst I was away, my holiday reading involved a story of couple who lost a young child and then divorced. It was intereesting to re-read this story now that I've got my own child. Its a whole new dimension.

"I'm wondering what if any difference talking about it would do... "

That is what I am wondering too. I want to bring my Mum some peace. My Dad is quite a controlling man and he 'protects' my Mum by preventing her talking about it and other things in her past. She has come close to talking to me on the phone about 'something' but I never knew what. I think she wants to talk but there is always a reason not to.... or my Dad.

What makes it worse, I nearly died when I was two weeks old and less than a year after her brother. Its very difficult.

I hope you find a resolution. Sometimes a letter is a way of breaking the log jam. Maybe you should write a letter to your Mum to let her think about it before she replies.

Hi BeenBeta

Hope you are enjoying your weekend. I've been thinking a lot about your post. I hope you too can find some resolution. Maybe some time alone wiht you mum would naturally lead to a conversation. I wonder if she discusses it with your dad?

Regarding writing the letter; I did do exactly that but to my Dad when I was 19. It was more to ask questions to help me understand what had actually happened. He wrote back a very detailed letter that was clearly difficult for him but it was very helpful. He even came to visit me (I was living away from my mum and she never knew about this event) and discussed it which must have been awful for him. He mentioned being numb after the death and probably still is now.... was interesting as its easy to think when people no body speaks of something its easy to assume there isnt an issue. He now has 2 other children, the 2nd of which was a boy and I think replacement was his way of dealing with it.

Im not sure about writing to my mum. The concept seems so alien. Maybe I should break the history of never speaking and risk setting her free from misery. But I guess Im more scared of what the fall out will be. What if she falls apart- I cant handle that...

Makes me feel very selfish. But also very angry that this shite happened and has impacted every aspect of my life so intensely.

Sorry for rambling post. Its good to think outloud.