personal request - but does anyone have experience of a close family member or close friend taking thier own life

[anonymummy]

changed my name but very very long term regular

i know this is personal but my husbands best friend of 18 years tookhis own life last week.

all very very hard to come to terms with

Yes I do.

It will remain very hard to come to terms with for the rest of your life, unfortunately.

Wish I could say something cheerier. Sorry for your loss.

A young man I knew of about the same age, a lad in my DCs group of friends.

They drove them selves crazy worrying how they could have prevented it.

I think back to when I had PND I wanted to end my life and if my DH would have agreed to come with me I would have, and taken my DD with me. I always think looking back that if I had done people would have thought I was so wicked. But I was so frightened of living in this evil world and bringing a child up in it.

Now that I am well I can see how warped my thinking was. My point being that you can't torture yourselves about why? What was he thinking? the balance of his mind was disturbed. It is so sad my heart goes out to you and your DH

yes, SIL committed suicide new years morning 15 years ago, leaving her husband and 2 year old son. it was totally unexpected.

we will never come to terms with it as we will never know why, we will always feel guilty as we should have noticed something was wrong, but what was it........how could someone so young (28) just......

we can never explain to her son, now 17yrs old who is struggling with it, why she did it.

overiding feeling is guilt at feeling angry with her for giving up/leaving her son.

new year has never really been celebrated since.

we can never come to terms with it, the only person who could answer the questions is gone. i'm tearful now even thinking about it.

wish I could say something helpful, just want to confirm everything you are feeling is normal and you just need to grieve and over time it will get easier

My BIL killed himself 8 years ago, I don't think that we have ever come to terms with it fully, I saw him the evening he died, he was very sad and I told him that I would always be there for him.

He died a few hours later, I wasn't there for him when it mattered, I hadn't realised just how sad he was, I will always feel guilty that I wasn't there when he needed someone the most.

I miss him every day, he died 3 days after my sons 10th birthday, his birthday has always been tinged with sadness since then, this year was especially hard because he turned 18 and his uncle isn't here to go for a pint with him.

Damn, I'm crying now, Richard, we love you and miss you so much x

thank you for sharing such personal stories.

I will come back to this thread later when I have a chance I just didn't want to leave everyone's posts unanswered

thank you for sharing such personal stories.

I will come back to this thread later when I have a chance I just didn't want to leave everyone's posts unanswered

My dad killed himself when I was 22 (am now 41). It is an incredibly selfish thing to do IMHO and the sorrow is always mixed with anger that someone can do that to their family. Don't take on any guilt - it's their choice in the end. I am sure your DH was a great and good friend to this person but in the end the man made up his own mind to do it, and chose not to seek help. sad for him and his family and for you, but not your fault in anyway shape or form ever. Mumof2 -you were completely there for him! He chose not to take the help you offered - most people who ave seriously decided on suicide cannot be dissuaded anyway - that time had passed by the time you spoke to him a few hours beforehand)

On the day I found out I was expecting dd, dh's friend hanged himself. We found out about his friend first. It was utterly, utterly unexpected. He seemed happy, stable, content. No history of depression, no problems that we knew of then or since.

I don't take the view that it's selfish, nor does dh. It was a very sad and desperate thing. There is guilt and the what ifs do torment you. I don't suppose it ever goes away.

Talking to his family helped. Especially his brothers who were so like him. And talking about him with dh when he wants/needs to.

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My cousin hanged himself 18 years ago. He was 29, attractive, bright, successful, the works..

He'd been unfaithful to his long-term gf and when he told her, she finished with him. He then carefully planned everything, including leaving several notes, cycled a considerable distance and did the deed.

The hurt caused to his family has been immense. My auntie and uncle have, as somebody else said, learned to walk alongside it, but their pain is real and everlasting.

I feel terrible bitterness for the pain he caused, I have to admit. It has coloured everything else for sooo many people for almost twenty years.

My Mum almost drove herself crazy with the whatifs and if onlys for about two years. After that she could begin to have some peace.

I don't know what else to say..

You will go through many stages of grief - the hardest I found was the pure fury that I felt. I was furious that my friend killed himself. I was furious that he hadn't felt able to call me for help. I felt furious that I hadn't "sensed" the problem and called him.

Ten years later and I still think about him loads. But I feel less angry, more sad. I miss him. But at the end of the day it was his choice. But I'm still angry at how much he hurt his friends and family.

One of my best friends killed himself 2 years ago. It left me devastated and I miss him desperately and am constantly thinking 'if only' and 'imagine if'...

I have gained some solace from the fact that he was obviously terribly distressed and at least he is now free of that pain and in peace.

Having suffered from depression myself I find it awful to read people feeling angry and bitter and saying suicide is selfish...people who commit suicide are not thinking straight, I'm sure they are all out there somewhere kicking themselves and wishing they hadn't done it, they didn't want to leave others in pain, they just needed to escape.

I feel compelled to point out that there is a difference between people making a blanket pronouncement that 'suicide is selfish', and people expressing their very genuine anger, hurt and bitterness that their own particular loved one has chosen to kill themselves.

I would never say the former, but I have an absolute right to say terrible angry words about my mum's suicide. Rationally I know the balance of her mind was disturbed, that she was in a bad place. Of course I understand that. It doesn't change the fact that her act has poisoned us all, forever, and still brings fresh grief into all our lives twenty years after the fact. This is the problem with suicide; you get to escape your curse by passing it down to the people you love the most.

I wouldn't tolerate someone else telling me she was selfish, but as a person directly affected I feel I have the right to say so, because I also appreciate the myriad of other things that she was.

Hopefully this will make some sort of sense to you all!

Ah Cyteen, you've put it very well..

Cyteen what a very clear eyed and insightful post. It's so difficult to discuss neutrally IYSWIM.

I am so sorry for your loss.

My BIL took his own life in a very violent manner last September and we had the inquest just this week.

Not for one minute have I ever felt it was selfish. It was actually, in a bizarre way, very brave.

I know I couldnt sit there and plan what he did and then actually go through with it.

The pain and loss we feel will never go away. My ILs who have lost their beloved first born son. My DH who lost his wonderful elder brother. His partner of 12 years who is beating herself with guilt that she was in some way to blame. My DCs who lost their mad and crazy uncle. And me. He was the big brother I never had.

Speaking at the funeral was one of the hardest things I ever did. Seeing his father cry after the inquest this week was one of the hardest things I ever witnessed.

Not a day goes by when I don't think of him. Don't think how much we all miss him.

Darling Rog may you may now finally find the peace you didn't find in this life.

yes life with the ramifications and anguish is raw

A wise lady once told me that it's not about finding the answers.... but more about learning to live with the questions.

Quite apt, i think.