what can I say to my friend

[KickButtowski]

I am waiting for the phone to ring any time now with my friend to say her mum has passed away. She was taken to a hospice this morning and I had a text tonight saying that friend is staying with her now and things look very grave.

We are good-ish friends, not best buddies, but I have been a bit of a shoulder to cry on and I don't want to let her down. Her mum is only 60 and has gone from fit and healthy to so poorly in barely 3 months and my friend is in total shock and despair of course.

Other than telling her how desperately sorry I am and agreeing that it isn't fair, which is what my friend keeps crying and saying I don't know what I can say to comfort her.

I know it is a bit of an impossible question but can anyone help?

The friends who were the most support for me were the ones who carried on being there after the initial period.

Once the funeral is over and things start to settle down people move on with thier lives, your friend may well feel abandoned and angry at this point.

However, she will also want to be teated normally - she will want an invite for coffee and chat. Take her lead on what to talk about, but don't be afraid to talk about stuff other than her bereavement.

I know that sounds confusing and I don't mean to be. I guess I am saying that you need to be there for her but not constantly reminding her. Treat her as HER and not as X's daughter.

Hug her and hold her tight. Let her know that you are there at any time of night or day and do some small practical stuff for her. Pick up some milk/bread/chocolate for her next time you are at the shops.

Thank you for being a good friend.

Please excuse typos - I'm very tired.

Thanks LilRed - it is so hard to see my friend suffering and not be able to do anything to ease it.

KB, I lose a good friend many years ago due to me not knowing what to say / how to act when her mum died. I really regret not being mature enough to handle it - I thought she would want space, but of course, she wanted support and I did the wrong thing.

I'd second LilRedWG's advice - practical help like popping round with some basic food, stopping by to make her a cup of tea, inviting her out to the cinema, making her feel human, just being around.

Oh, and when she's ready to talk about it, letting her talk about it. I am v guilty of wanting to empathise and say 'I know how you feel' when of course, I don't. Or (is this even worse?) saying 'I can't imagine how you feel' which sounds distant. So maybe if she wants to talk, I'd suggest shutting up and letting her do so. And genuinely letting her know that if she needs to call you at 3am, you won't mind in the slightest.

You're being a lovely friend to be thinking about this stuff, she's lucky to have you.

Thanks novice. I think you have just proven that in some way anything can sound so wrong ie I know how you feel / I don't know how you feel it just all sounds so inadequate doesn't it? I fear I am going to be sobbing along with her and we'll just be a tearful snotty mess not saying much at all.

Crying with your friend is no bad thing, allowing her to cry is also good, give her plenty of opportunities to talk about her mum,, make sure that you initiate chats about her mum she will love you for it, when my DH died some people behaved as thou nothing had happened and I found that very difficult and hurtful.

KB - sobbing along with her will be just fine. That is better in lots of ways than uttering platitudes, as Novicemama has said.

NM - I don't think you were being immature - you sound lovely. It is so difficult to know what to say/do. I have lost several friends, who I considered good friends, since my parents died last year - I think it just happens, unfortunately.

OJ is so right - definitely talk about her Mum. So many people do carry on as though the person did not exist, when all you want to hear is that people remember your loved ones and that they left an impression on people.

Oh I've just remembered something else from reading LilRedWG's last post, don't know if it's helpful.

My DH's university tutor died recently, and although it had been many years since they had seen each other, he had been a really formative influence on my DH. DH wrote a letter to his widow, with some little anecdotes in it and just saying how important he had been to him. The widow got back to him after a while to say how nice it was hear stories about her DH which she had never heard before - it had helped her realise that he had impacted on lots of people and had been many things to many people and would not be forgotten.

I don't know how well you knew your friend's mum but if you are finding it hard to speak to her in person, a letter would be an enormous comfort to her, esp if you can say things about her mum to let her know that her mum will not be forgotten.

Thanks ladies. I got the call at lunchtime today and so far we've spoken a couple of times, and I have managed a few I'm sorries, lots of I know it is not fair and mostly lots of joint sobbing. I'll see hger on Monday andbear your advice in mind thereon in. Whatever else I may do wrong I will definitely make sure she knows I care.