Good firend died today and am lost what to say to his DS.....

[stoppinattwo]

A good friend died this morning am feeling a bit disillusioned, completely unexpected, so am completely shocked/angry/gutted, you know when you get the wreckless feeling of nothing really matters and nothing is in perspective - dont anyone dare come near me with anything trivial today......He has a DS who is my DS's best friend (age 11), I dont know where to start, I dont know what to say....Its fathers day on sunday, I have so much in my head and am so sorry for what has happened

sorry for your loss.

I think i would explain it in terms of how much of a great friend he will have to be becuase his friend will be sad for a long time, - kinda give him responsability to live up to - rather than something to get depressed about IYKWIM

I have lost my father....some time ago, I was 27, not 11.......it is devastating, where do you start.

Sorry if im typing rubbish, Im just saying words. DS will be a good friend to him, they are very close and I will talk to DS about it tonight.

I feel a bit of a fraud to be so upset iykwim....Im just a bit over whelmed by the suddenness of it and its finality 9if that is such a word)..

Stoppin, do you mean to your DS, or to his friend?

For your DS, Custy got it taped, I think

For your DS's friend, I have no direct experience, but I think I'd tell him how sorry I was, that his dad was a good friend as well as a good dad, that I'd miss him. And I'd try to make sure that the DS knew there was always space for him at my house if he needed to get out of his own house for a few hours and I and my family would be there to talk to, cry with or maybe just sit down and do nothing with - whatever he needed.

I am so sorry for your loss, and for that 11-yo boy

Poledra...I meant friends son, but custys advice was also bang on

Im afraid I will crack up when trying to say all those things....He knows he is always welcome with us, this is his home from home iykwim...

sooo farking sad

poldra is right in that it may need reiterating that he can come to your house and play and get away from sad relatives. its when he is at yours that you can talk to him about stuff - or he can talk to you, i expect a lot of sympathy will go towards the adults and the child will be sad not only for himself but for his mum. which is a lot to bare. SOOO, maybe arrange a playdate soon. some mindnumbing gameing and lots of sugar.

From my experience (DH died nearly four years ago when DCs were 8 and 3) what children crave after a sudden death is a little bit of normality.

So, yes, acknowledge his dad's death to your son's friend, say how sad you are feeling, what a great guy he was etc, but then let DS and his friend get on with doing what they usually do - he may really appreciate your home as a refuge from all the turmoil at home, and from being expected to be sad and quiet all the time, or from being expected to think and talk about nothing but the death. Even when they are grieving, children need to be normal and noisy and realise it is still OK to have fun.

I know my DS did not really want to talk about his dad's death with anyone, certainly at first, and I would guess most 11 year old boys are not very good at talking about feelings, so don't push it. But as time goes on - weeks, months, years if your DSs remain friends - it is important to let children know that whoever died has not been forgotten, so they like to hear them mentioned, hear people talk about memories, funny incidents you remember and so on.

PS you might find the Winston's Wish charity for bereaved children has some useful information for you and for your friend's widow.