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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

For those who've been following my posts - Mum died a week ago

25 replies

sphil · 06/06/2010 19:53

I've written several posts over the 18 months she has been ill and have received some great advice and support, so thank you. Mum died on Friday 28th May and the funeral was last Friday. In the end it was very quick - she was on holiday two weeks before she died and asking for a 'nice cup of tea' just a few hours before. We were all with her and she was completely amazing - calm and accepting. All she wanted to do was to thank us all. Even the nurses were in tears when she died.

I cannot quite believe she's not here any more - she was so much the pivotal point of our family (and the extended family) and it just seems so unbelievable that she's gone. I am strangely calm - but I feel as if I'm swimming in treacle for much of the time. Everything seems so much effort. DS1 is coping very well but the funeral was hard for him. DH was a star and read the eulogy I'd written with my sister and brother - none of us felt we could do it. She is buried in an idyllic spot - a country churchyard next to a field of cows under a beautiful tree. There were so many flowers and wonderful messages from people.

It seems very weird to have to go back to 'normal life' tomorrow - work and school. It feels as if we've been living in a bubble these last two weeks.

OP posts:

2shoes · 06/06/2010 19:54

so sorry for your loss

TrinityTrinityTrinity · 06/06/2010 19:55

so sorry for your loss
sending strength

QOD · 06/06/2010 19:56

Sorry :{

Lulumaam · 06/06/2010 19:58

I am very sorry for the loss of your dear mother x

MarineIguana · 06/06/2010 19:59

She sounds really lovely and a tower of strength. I'm so sorry you have lost her - I hope it can give you comfort that she was so at peace.

oneofapair · 07/06/2010 06:43

It is always sad to lose your Mum. I am pleased you could be with her at the end and that she was a peace with the world.

Far too often people die alone and frightened.

chimchar · 07/06/2010 06:50

so sorry to hear about your mum.

she sounds lovely.....

i lost my mum last year...it was a really awful time, but it does get less raw. do post on here if you need a helping hand some days...

mumoverseas · 08/06/2010 11:07

Like Chimchar, I also lost my mum last year and I fully understand how you feel. Life will never be 'normal' again. Only yesterday I thought 'must phone mum and tell her' and it took a few seconds before I remembered.

I'm glad you were with her and had the chance to say goodbye. I feel that is very important. I didn't have that opportunity and would give anything to turn the clock back, kiss her goodbye, show her her new baby grandson who she didn't meet and tell her how much I loved her.

I've 'met' some lovely ladies on here who have kept me sane(ish) the last year or so and I've found 'talking' to them has really helped. Take care x

Original poster

sphil · 08/06/2010 22:46

Yes, it's the phoning thing that really gets to me. Mum took such an interest in the DSes and was a tower of strength where Ds2 is concerned (he's autistic with severe learning difficulties). She would often ring me up because she'd woken up with a good idea to help his speech or his toilet training or whatever, and she took such a pride in the tiniest of his achievements. As for Ds1, she was just his best playmate ever . She always had time for his interminable imaginary games, never sloped off to hide behind the paper, ( like me ) and did wonderful messy craft projects with him. She was always the top of his list of favourite people (above me and DH!) The loss of her as a grandmother is almost harder than the loss of a mother.

OP posts:

Homebird8 · 08/06/2010 23:14

So sorry for you Sphil. My mum died in February and I completely get that 'treacle' feeling. The lack of phone conversations still feels like 'radio silence' as if I'd upset her somehow and she was waiting for me to ring and apologise.

Hang on in there. I started to feel a bit better after a couple of months and time definitely helps you to live with the awful things that life throws at you. Glad the funeral was helpful to you and that you've got a peaceful place to visit her grave.

shabbapinkfrog · 08/06/2010 23:19

So very sorry to hear about your Mum - sending all our love xxxxx PS - she sounds an amazing woman xx

ItsAllaBitNoisy · 08/06/2010 23:22

What a loss Sphil. She sounds fantastic.

Best wishes to you all.

shabbapinkfrog · 08/06/2010 23:27

I hope that when it is my time to go - I leave the same kind of memories that your Mum has done...I hope nobody forgets me and always says - 'do you remember when Shabba did......'

A human being cant ask for any more to be honest xxxx

CoinOperatedGirl · 09/06/2010 00:00

Oh I'm so sorry sphill, it's so very hard to lose your Mum. I lost mine in 2007 when I was 25 and had just had ds1. I really went off the rails .

Hope you have lots of people to support you and who you can talk to. I think thats the hardest part, I lived 200 miles away from my Mum and would call her several times a week. If anything happened she was the first person I would call.

Are you close to your siblings? My Mum was like yours a pivotal point for family, and sadly we have all rather drifted since, still in touch and on good terms, but not close.

It does get more bearable, but I think the pain takes a long time to fade. I feel (I'm so sorry if this is inappropriate to you) that I have lost the one person in my life who would always listen to me, always be interested in what I had to say, even if she disagreed, and basically always be on my side. Sorry if this post is misjudged, I really do wish you well, I'm not very good at times like these.

Much love at this difficult time.

mumoverseas · 09/06/2010 05:43

sphil she sounds like she was a very special lady and a wonderful grandmother. That is what I find sad, DC1 and 2 now nearly 17 and 14 were lucky enough to have known their nannie (and grandad) and had fabulous times with her. DC3 and 4 will never have that which is so sad. We must however keep them alive in our memories and make sure our DC know about them.

Shabba If anything every happened to you I think you'd be missed on here as much(if not more) than by your RL friends. I've 'known' you on here for several years and you are probably the loveliest warm and compassionate person I've ever (not) met. You have helped so many people on here and your sons would be so proud of how you've been there for people and helped them x

mtor · 09/06/2010 06:01

So sorry to hear this. I think that we do come under a great deal of pressure to resume normal life. Practical needs aside try to keep some space for yourself to really live through this. I belive that (strangely) the period of mourning is a special time when we have a clarity about what is important that we don't have at other times. Don't let it go too quickly. I'm still wanting to phone my mum after nearly eight years.

shabbapinkfrog · 09/06/2010 11:17

mumoverseas thank you xx

singersgirl · 09/06/2010 11:26

So sorry, Sphil.

scanty · 23/06/2010 00:38

Sphil, what really upset me with my mother's illnes and death, was how anmazing and unselfish she was. She had every right to rage and make every scene under the sun. Instead she tried to die with dignity and in a way to make everything as easy as possible for everyone else (this particualarly stayed with me and haunts me still). I was just grateful I got to spend the last few weeks with her and do what I could to help her and make her feel loved. I think this really helped me grieve and come to terms with our complicated relationship and feelings. Your mum sounds very special and a very strong and loved lady. Her passing (and her life) has so affected those who loved and knew her- much sadder if her life had left no impact or sadness on anyone.

onlyjoking9329 · 23/06/2010 09:54

sorry your mum has died sphil, i'm glad you were able to be with her and that she was peaceful, the swimming throu treacle will get easier in time.
someone once said to me that at some point your memories will be stronger than your grief, it made me cross at the time but two years on from steves death i feel that now (mostly)
you have my email address do get in touch if you want to.

Original poster

sphil · 23/06/2010 22:59

Thanks everyone. Three weeks on and it seems much much longer. It's the total gone-ness that gets to me - it just doesn't seem real. I feel as if the raw grief has passed - and it seems very quick to me. I almost resent that we're all carrying on as normal.

Sorry - this doesn't really make sense. But I'm shocked by how 'normal' everything is.

OP posts:

scanty · 24/06/2010 13:04

sphil - I understand what you are saying. My mum had a very short but awful illness and death. It was such a rollercoaster before hand, I think much of our grieving was done when she was still alive. It was weird just how numb and normal we felt after her death. I'm actually thinking about her a lot at the moment (neary 2 yrs on) and getting a bit angry at what she had to go through, I think at the time we were just so busy trying to support her and make her feel loved and I was so grateful for having the chance to be there for her and store up on weeks of cuddles and breathing her in which would have to last when she was gone.

McSteamy · 24/06/2010 13:06

so sorry xx

Original poster

sphil · 27/06/2010 20:57

Scanty - you've described how I feel very well - thanks. We did do a huge amount of grieving in the 18 months after she was diagnosed - and the week before she died was so intense. I'm sure it's completely different when people die suddenly.

OP posts:

scanty · 30/06/2010 12:24

Sphil, a good friend's dad died outright a few weeks ago in an accident. I can't say 'I know how you feel' to her because as you said, sudden death is so different and I doubt she has been able to really take it in yet.

Wishing you well, at least your mum was loved and had those she loved round her. I wouldn't have had it any other way no matter how tough and heartbreaking it was for us all - just wish it had been easier for her.

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