Father dying - what do I do?

[overworkedmummy]

Hi

We were told a few weeks ago that my father has 6-8 weeks to live. He has had cancer for 3 years but it has come as a shock as a few weeks ago he seemed relatively OK (the cancer spread quickly).

I am going to stay with my mum (they live abroad) and have cleared it with work to stay for "as long as it takes". My mum is holding it together now but every time I talk to her, her voice waivers. She has lots of friends who are helping out but I really think that you can't replace family.

I have a 17 month old who is very unsettled in new places so cannot really help with my father, especially if he has to go to hospital. In my head, I am going to spend time with my dad while I can and help with practical things around the house - house work, shopping/cooking, etc.

Is there anything that I should be aware of or do for her (that may not be obvious?) My dad doesn't know he is dying at the moment so we are trying to keep up the pretence he will get better which makes it all seem a bit surreal.

Any advice gratefully received.

sorry, I have no advice but bumping this in the hope someone with insight might be able to help.

I dont have any help either, but what you have said sounds perfect. I just nearly lost my Dad and he was very ill in ITU for a week. I just did simple stuff for mum like dropping her off at hospital door and catching her up while I got flustered parking. I found that we kind of strengthened each other, just being there will be enough. Just try and keep things ticking over in the background and make sure mum eats etc.

Best of luck (sounds wrong sorry)

Just take it as it comes and don't be surprised if their needs are not what you expect, or are more/less than what you expect. Nobody knows how they will cope in such a situation, nobody knows what they will need to get or give. It's all very chaotic, so the best thing is often just to keep an open mind.

Also, only do what you can. You will be stressed and grieving too, plus looking after your little one - don't flog yourself to death doing what you think you 'should' be doing, or feel guilty because you're not super daughter. Sometimes just being together is enough.

Best wishes

overworked, I saw you on the other thread.

Make tea. We drank loads of it, more because of people's need to make it than drink it.

In my experience (both of my parents), people withdraw into themselves when they die. My Dad (who knew he was dying) tried to distance himself as much as possible and was actually quite mean to me and my Mum. This, in itself, was very upsetting but you can understand why they do.

I'm not saying this will happen but be prepared for it. I had visions of some great Terms of Endearment style death scene and it really just wasn't like that. Just make sure you say everything you need to.

Easy food that doesn't need preparing and can be either picked at or made into a meal (roast chicken, potato salad etc), depending on time and inclination. I ate over a pack of hot cross buns a day

Also, on a practical note, see if you can find a laundry service. One of the best things my Mum's best friend did when my Mum was dying was pick up the bed linen, washing etc every day, get them laundered and bring them back.

I know you want to be there for your Mum but he is also your Dad so go easy on yourself.

So sorry to hear your sad news. I know this might be impossible to do if your Dad doesn't know his illness is terminal but it is very important that he has or makes a will.

My DF died very suddenly without having a will and it was a nightmare for my DM. They had a joint account and it was closed as soon as we informed the bank of his death - we had no idea what would happen. She had no access to cash and couldn't pay any bills so me and my DB had to pay for everything until probate was sorted about 2 months later. We didn't mind but it drove her bonkers being dependant on us for everything for those months.

Other than that just be there for your DM and spend as much time with your DF as you can.

I am sorry this is happening to you and your mum and n of course your dad.

I am not sure where in the world your mother and father are - you mention the hospital - is your father in the hospital now or at home, would your father like to stay at hoem in familiar surroundings? It may be worhtwhile thinking about whether it would be calmer to stay at home for everyone if this could be possible?

My uncle died in a hospice ealrier this year - it is hard but easier than a hospital where people are still on the ward, in a hospice you have your a room for yourser

as the post above says - get your mum and dads finances sorted - even if it means your mum withdraws all the money from a joint account and opens another to have cash placed in.

So sorry. I think being a presence in the home, especially with a child, can be a help in itself. if he has to move into the hospital it will be good for your mum to have someone to come back to, and just talk it over.

My dad died a couple of months back when my DD was only 6 weeks old (and my sister has twins 14 mths). God knows, there was so much childcare to do that it felt a very busy time rather than my expectations of sitting around watching weepy films on TV. But it grounded us all I think, and when we had streams of people visiting to pay condolences, the children gave us a distraction... either a topic of conversation or a chance for us to 'retreat' from company. You have to get used to the 'new life of babies bringing happiness' cliches though!

Try not to worry about not being able to do much out and about. Do-ing is overrated in these situations.

OWM thinking of you and hope you have managed to spend some time with your dad.

Thanks all. Only just managed to log in. My dad is more sick than when I last saw him 2 weeks ago and is hardly awake. Even though I cannot see him I am so glad I am here. Even though we are still talking about him getting better around him I have managed to give him some kisses and he has told me he loves me. I think he knows ... He is still at home and my mum (and all of us) agree that is the best place for him.

Funnily enough having my lo here is a help. He is happy to wander into his granddad's room and isn't affected by the fact he looks awful. I agree comeonbishbosh - it might be easier to do more without him but the added distraction is good and maintains a sense of normality I can imagine we wouldn't have otherwise.

Thanks again everyone.