Are some people able to deal with death calmly, I feel like a heartless freak at the moment

[Meglet]

In brief, Dad died on Wednesday morning from prostate / bone cancer. We knew it was coming for months, he lived a full life until a few weeks ago (although he was 'only' 66) and died in the hospice with my stepmum & sister with him.

Of course I am so sad, miss him already and have been a bit weepy, but other than that I just look at it through very practical eyes and feel grateful that he had a 'better' death than most people get and that life goes on . I'm still finding things funny (mainly stuff on MN), planning things to do next week as well as sort out his funeral, albeit a bit scatter brained.

I know I will cry at his funeral, but I don't feel as distraught as I would have expected. He was a big part in me and the dc's lives and we saw him a few times a week so he is obviously not around, but I'm muddling through just fine and I didn't think it would be this calm.

You're probably in shock. I've lost both my parents and both times it took a good while before it sank in properly. In fact, because I was busy with babies and toddlers for several years after my dad died, I didn't grieve 'properly' (whatever that is supposed to mean) until almost seven years later.

Take care of yourself.

I was like this with both my grans death (Nov 09) and my Uncle (this Easter). Both sadly suffered from cancer and, especially my lovely uncle, were so poorly.
WHen I last saw him (he lived abroad) 1 month before he died he was yellow and in such such pain
When he was dying, I cried and felt bereft, when he died I felt relief. The funeral was horrendously upsetting but I have been ok since.
It came over me last night in a wave funnily enough, but generally, life moved forward as usual.
Having said that, they were both older people too (85 and 65) - I know when my 2 year old cousin died and my niece died at birth, I was distraught.
I don't think you are unusual and you will have sad times, don't feel like a freak!

cogitero you might be right. I'm on my own with 2 toddlers (and work) so I don't have any time to slow down and really think about it. I might see if my mum & stepdad can have them one night so I can have some time to myself and see how I feel then.

QOD we were glad Dad didn't suffer for too long, he only got very sick last friday and the consultant told us he only had a short time left. I also put it in perspective as my cousin died at 15 from leukemia (sp?) and to this day no death seems quite as tragic.

Yes, the relief thing is very common when someone has been ill for some time. It often comes with a smattering of guilt for feeling relieved, but it's perfectly natural because you will have been living with uncertainty for the duration of his illness. My parents both died of cancer, at 57 and 67 with almost identical lengths of illness, and the relief aspect was palpable at the end. I still feel guilty about it now from time to time.

Funnily enough I was talking to a friend about this recently, she lost her mum just before she gave birth to her first born, and I lost my dad when dd1 was 3 months old. We both felt that we had delayed grief reactions because there was no room for falling apart when you're looking after small children.

I don't know if it happens to others too.

My dad died 3 weeks ago only 5 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer. I seemed to cry more during those 5 weeks than I have since. Even at the funeral it was only when they played his favourite music that I cried.
But I was also busy afterwards, manically sorting out the funeral and his affairs. Also most of all propping up my poor mum who is bereft.
I am sure yours is is quite a normal reaction.

One of my son's lost a friend through leukemia and I did say to him that it's normal for people to grow old and die, and it's very sad but it's not just sad when a child dies .. it's tragic and wrong.

My husband seemed to recover very quickly when his mother died. She'd been ill for some years and I think he did his mourning during that period.

I did have 3 weeks off work with stress / depression at the start of the year and Dad being ill was a big part in it. I think I had already gone over it in my head hundreds of times before he went downhill the other week. My sister is the same, she was a state in April but now Dad has gone we're both quite accepting of it.

However I did nearly burst into tears at traffic lights at a roundabout today, but was trying to get the dc's home for tea & bath night so I had to hold it together. I think their presence does make me more composed and I have hold back the tears as it's hard to cry and change nappies / do time out / make tea etc.

Hi Meglet

My dad has the same cancer as yours - I read your other thread and thought that I could have written it! I am flying out to be with him tomorrow as he lives in Spain. My mum is just about holding it together and I feel just awful for her.

I was with them a few weeks ago when he collapsed (the first sign of him being so sick this time) and extended my stay but flew home with my husband (who flew out at the last minute) 2 weeks later. I have been here, at home with things being mostly normal, feeling very guilty about just about everything. When I went back to work I felt I was being judged and it occurred to me how I will feel at Christmas. I knew he only had a few weeks to live but left it till the end (and most likely too late) to see him again. Also, he is still at home at the moment and with a 17 month old I probably won't get a chance to see him in the hospital if it comes to that. Also in Spain they bury people within 2 days ...

My father doesn't know (or so my mum and dad wants us to believe - I think dad may have an idea...) so we are carrying on as normal around him. I have just posted another thread to see what I should be doing as it is so surreal.

Sorry, I don't think I have answered your question at all but am interested in the replies. Personally I have been focussing on the fact he was first diagnosed and so sick 3 years ago but has been fairly well since so those 3 years have been a bonus. I am sitting here with my dh (he is not coming with me) and I cannot comprehend that the next time I see him my dad will most probably have died.

I was surprisingly calm when my nana died - she was my only family - but i still can't gt my head around the fact she is dead even though it is 5 years and 2 days since she died.

People deal with things in very different ways. Both of my parents died of cancer and I found that the grief starts long before they die (if you see what I mean).

I found the bit between the death and the funeral the easy bit, and then it got progressively harder. Everyone goes back to their lives and all the drama and excitement (I use the word loosely obviously) goes away leaving everything just a little bit shit.

I also found it incredibly hard to come to terms with the fact that my Mum and Dad had no idea how well I was coping and were not going to come back and tell me how proud they were.

18 months after my Dad dies I was watching Armageddon with some friends. It got to the bit where Bruce Willis records his goodbye speech for Liv Tyler and I started crying and didn't stop for 5 days. I was signed off work.

I think what I'm trying to say is, feel what you feel and be aware that it is not a straight line/curve of recovery. It doesn't make you cold or uncaring, just dealing with things in your own way.

Take care of yourself.

thank you leplan. The same thing might happen to me I guess. I will get in touch with the hospice for counselling to off load a little, but I think it might just take time to sink in.

overworkedmummy I really hope you get there in time to see your dad. We didn't tell Dad what the consulant had said on the saturday as he was already getting a little confused and telling someone they only had days / weeks to live would have been cruel. I'm sure he knew though, but he probably wasn't in a place to hear us tell him. I had to call his sister in the States last saturday and tell her and she was able to arrive in the UK on Monday (despite us thinking he wouldn't last that long) and spend a couple of days with him . Will be thinking of you.

Thanks Meglet. Like your dad he spends most of his time in bed and gets up for 30 min 'bursts' a couple of times a day. It is awful though, he is trying so hard to stay awake. He says he is not in pain but his face is often scrunched up. Terrible. I feel guilty because I hope it is over soon - then I realise what I have just wished for an feel awful!

We haven't told dad for the same reason. My mum feels awful but I actually think it's the right thing. I just hope it is quick / painless

Meglet - I thought this may be you. I've been thinking of you lots since your last thread.

How you are coping is extremely normal - every single person react differently and each and every one of them is normal.

The day after my Dad died my sister and I had to go to the hospital to tell my Mum, where she was ill. Then I went and told my aunt with DH. I was pretty calm and felt hardened and numb. I cried at Dad's funeral but calmed quite quickly - I didn't want to upset Mum, who was out of the hospital for the day. The two weeks following Dad's death were taken up with looking after Mum and of course my DD (who was 2.9 at the time).

Sixteen days after Dad died, my Mum died. I spent the last few days and nights at the hospital with her, only going home to shower and change. When she past my two sister and brother fell apart. My other brother and sister weren't there. I phoned my sister, who lives abroad, and told her quite calmly. I sorted MUm's hospital room and went home to tell DH.

The next day I visited my aunt again and told her. I also went with my two brothers and two sisters to do all the formal stuff. We all had a really dark sense of humour that day - I remembering wondering out loud if the funeral home had a BOGOF offer on and my borther requested that Mum was cremated in a Christmas sweatshirt that she loved and we all hated, just to make sure it was gone. At her funeral I lost it totally, more than I had at all yet about Dad, who I was actually closer too.

The long and the short (mainly long) of it, is that my Dad's death didn't really hit me until the fist anniversary of his death in February this year. I physically couldn't get out of bed. It was one of the worst days of my life. I believe that until that point I had not had a chance just to mourn him - I was mourning the loss of my parents.

Hope this makes some sense - sorry for waffling.

Love, LilRedWG x

I meant to say, take it very easy on yourself and accept each feeling as it comes. If you feel like crying, then cry, if you feel like laughing then do that too. Try not to hold anything in. Don't worry what other people think - it is your grief and very personal to you. There is no set way that you should behave.

I found 'You'll Get Over It': The Rage of Bereavement, by Virginia Ironside a big help at helping me accept that everything is a normal reaction and that you don't have to act how people want and expect you to - he was your Dad.

I am so sorry that you have lost your Dad, please take care of yourself.