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my (estranged/absent) 'dad' died of cancer yesterday. Feel v. confused about everything

2 replies

ErnestTheBavarian · 01/06/2010 13:02

He left before I can remember. He never paid a penny maintenance, never saw us. His new wife forbade him from seeing us, he had 2 sons with her. As far as I know has been estranged from her for over a decade.

I met him once (before I had children) and my only regret I think is not having a big go at him for being such an arsehole. He then never got in touch again, so I have only 1 ever memory of him (and unfortunately he was wearing a hideous jade green suit).

Anyway, found out last night he dies yesterday of cancer in Italy. I didn't feel bothered really when my mum told me, but now I feel really really confused and sad.

He was aparently a 'very idfficult personality' he was estranged from his sister, his wife, onv. me & my sister. Funnily enough (ha ha) I am sadly estranged from my sister, despite several attempts of reconciliation by me, she has cut off all contact with me since 1998. Hearing about him sounds just like her.

I feel so sad that my family is so fucked up.

I don't think I can go to the funeral. This 2nd wife who banned him from seeing us would hardly welcome me. I aparently have 2 half brothers I don't even know their names, I don't know if they know I exist. My family (together with dh combined is so very small I feel so sad for my boys that they missed out on a grandad, they missout on an aunty and a cousin, my mil sadly died nearly 3 years ago.

I feel angry I never had the chance to either have a go at him. That I can't or shouldn't go to his funeral. My dad is dead and it all feels so fucked up.

Sorry, don't expect anyone to get through all this or make any sense of it. Have no rl person to even talk to about it so just trying to get it out of my system really.

OP posts:
Irons · 01/06/2010 15:44

You are grieving and that is normal. Sadness and anger are all part of that. Have a good cry, there is no reason why you can't. Just because he was estranged doesn't mean you didn't have feelings for your father.

If it were me I would go to the funeral so say my goodbyes. That might give you some closure.

ErnestTheBavarian · 01/06/2010 18:23

Am torn re funeral. Would find meeting the 2nd wife v. difficult. V curious about 2 brothers. Don't think the funeral can or will happen, so will not get closure that way. He has left a terrible legacy.

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