Have I grieved properly?

[dinosaurus]

I lost my dear dad to cancer nearly 2 years ago. He was ill for several months and towards the end of his life, suffered dreadfully. I have a close family and we rallied around helping my mum as much as we could. Although I cried from time to time, I felt that I accepted he was going to die quite early on. I'm quite a grounded person, and, although I obviously was devastated, I just felt that I had to face up to it sooner rather than later. I hold a very responsible job, and people tend to see me I think, as pretty level headed and to be honest, I think I felt that I had to keep this up. Having said that, I don't find it easy to show my emotions - I feel weak if I do. Anyway, 2 years on, I still find it hard to cry about what happened. Sometimes I'll hear a song that will trigger a memory but I'm almost scared to cry. More worryingly, I find it hard to remember my dad when he was healthy, and tend to think of him in the last stages of his terrible disease. I also find it increasingly hard to empathise with anyone else's circumstances - I don't mean that in a bad way, but I just feel rather numb if I witness other people grieving or discussing illness/death in any way. I'm in my late 20s and my dad was only 60 when he died, so I guess I do feel a bit too 'young' to deal with all of this. As I've said, I've kind of tucked it away inside, but whereas I used to think it was a conscious decision to do this - ie, my chosen way of dealing with it - I now wonder if its because I don't know how else to cope with it? I also find it hard to look at photos, videos of my dad, although I can talk very openly about how he died. Sorry to ramble, I just wondered if anybody else had experienced the above? I know that grieving is a very personal process, but how do you know that you've actually gone through it?

I haven't a clue Dinosaurus but I could've written most of your post about myself. With me it was my younger brother and he died only seven weeks ago. We were very close.

I guess I assumed acceptance has a lot to do with it.

I cried a lot more when he was alive but I knew I was losing him (cancer).

I really don't know but I shall read replies with interest.

Oh, the other thing is that I suspect it will hit me at some point.

i think grief comes in waves, some days feel sortof doable and other days are just awful.
i know the limbo of knowing someone is going to die and a think some grieving gets done then, but when the person dies its still a huge shock, a lot of people a scared to cry in case they can't stop, or they fear being out of control when so much else is out of control.
theres no right or wrong way to grieve and i dont think its something you can just decide to stop or start.
other people seem to allow us a set time to grieve which is never helpful.
i think it helps to be able to talk about it as many times as you need to, this might be best done with acounsellor type person rather than a relative who may have their own issues.
Macmillan are fab at this sort of thing.
My husband died almost two years ago after almost two years with cancer, this sort of stuff changes you, i know it has had a profound impact on myself and our three kids.
we all grieve in different ways at more importantly at differing paces don't allow nyone to tell you what your pace should be.

my dh died suddenly and unexpectedly just over 8 weeks ago. Things had been very difficult as he was an alcoholic and had had a nervous breakdown. Initially I was broken, after , I was crying a lot over all kinds of things as and whenver i felt sad. Since his funeral I have barly felt sad at all. mORE LATER - DD WANTS HELP WITH REISION

It sounds like you are still grieving and that may be because you haven't found a way to deal with it or maybe it is just taking you a little longer.

It's been 7 years since my loss and it does get easier. But I can empathise with the feelings of numbness you talk about. I became very hard and cold and put up a big front of "I'm ok" and I only cried in private. It was only when my mother told me how I had changed did I realise I needed to break from this hard cold person I had become.

I imagine you are probably feeling the numbness because you don't want to allow yourself to feel the pain and hurt. It is your way of coping, but eventually you need to feel it. Don't be afraid because you won't feel the hurt and pain forever. I remember worrying that I would feel that heartache for ever and ever, but I promise it does eventually get better. I have since had a daughter and my heart is so filled with love again I never thought I would have felt.

Go and look at pictures of your dad, videos, memories whatever, just look at them and remember the love and remember way back many years ago even if it's just one event you remember and keep that memory in your heart. Feel the love you had for him and remember that always. Have a good cry too. It really does help.

Sorry to hear about your dad, i know what you mean though about finding it hard to empathise with other pepole. we have had a 'run' on death recently, one of our friends killed himself before christmas, then on march 1st our beloved dog died, April 11th my gorgeous dad died and 3 weeks ago my dps nan died. I had to really force myself to be sympathetic to my partner over his nan as callous as that may seem i just was filled with grief for my dad who like your dad suffered before he died wheras dp nan had a 'peaceful' death in her sleep.
maybe you should look at those photos and videos see him smiling and laughing again, it is good to cry. I don't know your dad but like most dads he would want you to be able to remember him with happiness. I really am rambling now but i just hope you work your way through it.

I lost my younger sister on 27th June last year. It was completely sudden and unexpected.
I can empathise with a lot of what you said. For ages I couldn't remember what she looked like. My heart would "stop" with panic when I tried.
I am also very capable and able to cope with most things. I heard someone describing me as a cold fish at the funeral.

It is coming up to the anniversary of her death and I sometimes feel overwhelmed with grief and sadness - and I just miss her so much. You wouldn't know it to look at me.

Maybe you don't know you have gone through it. I don't think you ever do, you just get used to life without your loved one. I don't think there is a point when grief ends. Everyones grieving process is different - there is no right or wrong.

I am following this with much interest as so much of what is being said rings true for me. my dh was not ill with a terminal illness, but I do believe that I grieved a lot for him while he was still alive. he had changed from the hardworking, intelligent, articulate adn dynamic force of nature to a shuffling, alcoholic who could not remember from one minute to the next. it was heartbreaking and incredibly difficult to live with. The fact that he died suddenly and unexpectedly was horrific. I don;t even know how i feel now. I am horrified at what happened , relieved that things are calmer, devastated that this had to happen to him, heartbroken for our children growing up without a Daddy. but I still do not feel like a sobbing widow. I cried buckets after he passed away, rivers at his funeral and oceans in between. But since............nothing. It feels wrong to feel alright. Is that wrong?