Anyone lost a twin at or just after birth?

[domesticslattern]

I recently met a very lovely mum of two identical twin boys. Sadly, one of the twins died a few days after birth. Her other gorgeous little boy is now 17 weeks old.

My friend does not know anyone who has had such an experience, and her posting on netmums didn't lead to much. I wondered whether any of your lovely MNetters can share any experience and words of support for her.

Can anyone help? TIA.

Your friend could contact SANDS. I know that they have a forum which includes a section for mums and dads who have lost one twin.

So sorry for your friends loss.

Thanks LouMacca. Is the SANDS forum up and running again now?

Yes it is up and running again and has been a huge help to my friend who lost her little girl at birth nearly 3 years ago.

There are three MNers that I know of on our multiples threads who each lost a twin. Bubble, Shabs and Charleymouse.

I talk with Shabs almost daily and she would be an enormous support (she also lost another darling son age 11 so she will understand more than most.) Charley still pops in on us sometimes. Let me see if I can link this thread to Shabs attention and put you guys in touch. She also has a long running thread in bereavement.

Much love to your friend. What a torment of feelings she will be running around with. xxxxxx

DS a couple of us on the bereaved parents thread are in this boat, particularly myself and Shabs. Point your friend over there for an overview and also there are a number of lovely Mumsnetters in this position that do not post on there as well so they may join this thread.

I am in exactly the same boat as DT 1 died nine hours after birth. I know what he should look like as he has and identical brother. This is a mixed blessing, you can look and you know what you should have (at least in looks anyway). I feel such sadness for my survivng DT knowing he will never have that special relationship with his twin. I have to be careful and try really hard to appreciate I could have lost both my boys as they were born at 31 weeks. Sometimes though I want to kick the s**t out of everything and scream "it's not fair."

The early days and the firsts are the hardest, you don't get over it but you learn coping mechanisms. Sometimes the oddest thing will just hit you out the blue and it will feel you have been physically punched. It is also really difficult when the simplest question "Do you have any others?" "Is he your first?" hurts so much to answer you don't want to upset other people and you don't want to deny the existence of your deceased child. I find I answer according to who I am talking to, so I may say I have 4 to peopl who I will never see again but may explain further to those I wll come across again ie school mums.

Please talk to your friend about her little boy and use his name where possible, he is a real person and is her son, just beacuse he is no longer physically here does not diminish this.

WIll pop back later as DC 4 is feeding and dribbling on my arm. Hope she gets some help.

Afraid I only know my Aunt in Law who isn't an mnetter (Surviving twin is 14now). But had to post that a friend from school found out she was a twin when she found another birth certificate aged 14- it sent her world upside down and she really struggled. Must be so hard to tell the surviving twin but it is something to think about.

Hi Frumpy, thanks. The other thing is you do grieve your baby and the fact that you are no longer a twin mum. You feel as though you are not a mum of multiples as you have no living proof of this. The multiples thread is a support as they are multiples mums.

I lost my twin son Gareth in 1982. He was almost 8 months old. Somehow we have all got 'there' - wherever the hell 'there is'.

I agree with Charley so much - you grieve the loss of your twin and also the loss of the amazing feeling that you have when you have had a multiple birth - everybody spoils you and makes you feel special.

My surviving twin is now 28 and a first time daddy to a precious son.

Please try to get your friend to come and join us on the bereaved mummies thread - it is a safe haven of support and love.

Thandeka - my surviving twin has always known about his brother.....its not an announcement we suddenly made when he was a certain age. When he was a toddler we looked at pictures almost every day and I used to tell him all the things his twin used to do.

Honesty, with children, no matter how hard the subject is to talk about, is the only way. xx