How do you deal with denial

[ConDemNation]

Someone close to me died a while back, but I can't believeit's happened. Surely by now I should have acknowledged it. I know it's true but can't understand it or get my head around it...is this usual? It just doesn't make any sense.

It makes sense to me. I have a friend who is (almost certainly) dying of cancer, and I can't get my brain around believing that, either.

thanks Lljkk. Sorry about your friend, it's horrid isn't it.
Mine died from cancer, too...I think the thing is, that it was so quick, and all the time she was ill, we spoke less and less. Towards the end, we didn't speak at all because she was too ill. So I had several months in which to get used to the idea, mentally, of her not being there...and still, now, I feel as though she is somewhere at the end of the phone, just unable to call right now.

Is it fairly certain that your friend isn't going to survive? The other thing is I knew from the start that it was very unlikely mine would, but nobody else seemed to twig right until the end...so I feel guilty, for having known - as though it were somehow my fault, or I should have prepared her better.

ConDemNation, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost a friend to cancer nearly nine years ago and I still find myself thinking, "Oh I must tell C that" or "wonder what C would think of that" and then having to remind myself she's no longer around .

I am now the age she was when she was diagnosed and have a DS the same age as her DS was when she died (2 year) and it makes it even more poignant.

I don't know what I'm trying to say really, except that you're feelings are entirely normal, it never really goes away, but you do get better at dealing with it .

My cancer-ridden friend (sorry to be so blunt, but well, that's why I think she's f*cked) ... she has a lot of people trying to help her, but none of us want to declare the obvious when we talk about her. And I haven't the slightest idea what to say when I see her, I sure don't want to let on what I truly think about her future (or lack thereof).

She just went off to Mexico for some radical therapy she can't get on the NHS (the NHS has said they can do very little). I know it sounds awful, but I'm glad she's gone so far away because I'm having trouble watching her deteriorate.

I think maybe this just happens as you get older, you hear and experience more and more stories of people dying of things you never would have dreamt of people that age (ie, your peers) even getting. Maybe it takes years to get used to it.

Thanks Eddie I guess this is what grief is.

Llj - what kind of cancer is it? I understand your bluntness, there were times I longed to shout out 'she is dying!' to anyone who would listen, but of course that would have been wrong.

It's not that Gerson centre is it? the one in Mexico I mean.

Wow, good call, It might well be the Gerson Centre.
It started as Breast cancer -- she was 35 when 1st diagnosed, btw. Had double M. last summer, was told that radiotherapy wouldn't work, didn't try chemo, and cancer was found to have spread to some vital organs in late Feb or early March this year.

My fear/expectation is that the cancer has already spread to other vital organs.

My other frustration (while we're talking about it) is the way my friend has tended to reject conventional treatment options. Although I'm not sure that she was offered much, anyway, but I keep fearing that she's placing her life in the hands of quacks rather than go for something proven (even if it has proven drawbacks, too).

Is that ok if I just vent that here? To her face I smile & talk supportively no matter what friend says she wants to do because I'm not sure she has any good options, anyway. It's hard, though, I'm unconvinced by her choices.

She says that she's already outlived their estimates (made in March, I guess), though, that is something good.

I want my pessimism to be wrong, obviously. I'd be delighted to be all wrong in my assessment.

ConDemNation, my brother died of cancer right in front of me - I saw it happen - and I still feel like he's somewhere around, like we will one day pick up our conversations and I'll have someone to make all those jokes to again, the ones that no one else gets.

I seem to remember feeling like this for quite a while after my mum died, too. Although I accepted instantly that she was dead, I did and do sometimes wonder what would happen if I passed her on the street - what if the whole thing was some elaborate deception?

Death is shit, and cancer deaths are particularly shit IMO.

Cyteen that is a weird one...the thing about it being a trick, and she will somehow reappear, by magic...I can certainly relate to that. Not this time, but in other situations I have felt like that.
Sorry to hear you saw your brother die, I don't think anything compares to that. I feel lucky that I didn't witness this death...I wanted to go and be with her but she didn't want any friends around.

Ll - yes, yes you may vent about that. you seem to be echoing my exact thoughts and feelings from about 3 months ago...all the alternative treatments I thought were pointless, and scandalously getting loads of money from very vulnerable people who truly had no other options.

It made me feel sick and still does, but I never said anything about it. People have an illness and they need to handle it their way, so I didn't feel it was my place to be anything but supportive of the decisions being made.

I could have screamed sometimes though...particularly, and this really cuts to the quick, but she had a place on a trial for a brand new drug, something that I knew had the potential to save her or at least give her a few more months. It was absolutely the only hope she had, and I was asked about it, about the decision to take it or some palliative thing I'd also recommended, and told them in no uncertain terms that she needed it and they should fight tooth and nail for it.
I said hold off on the other stuff till you know for definite she's off the trial, for whatever reason - and the next day I had an email saying 'wellm we thought we would go for the other stuff, because it takes a few weeks to start the trial'.

I just felt like this person I loved so much was about to jump off a bloody cliff, and I had the power to hold onto her, and they were holding me back - I felt so incredibly angry and my heart just hit the floor. It was at that moment I knew she had no hope at all, yet I couldn't get angry with them, just myself - for not pushing the idea strongly enough.

Sure enough a few weeks later she died...again, couldn't say anything. I think the reason I am unable to grieve is that I am scared of how angry I am, underneath. I'm still in touch with her family and have to keep pretending to be lovely and supportive and I just want to shout at them.

Sorry, that got really long

I know nothing could have given her very much time, but even another year, it is like a miracle drug for this type of cancer and is putting people into remission. She nearly had it.

argggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

ConDemNation, it's so hard to watch others make decisions that we don't agree with, especially when it affects something so precious as life itself.

My friend had a Grade 4 brain tumour, and I spent hours surfing the internet to try and find someone who would treat her - it came to nothing. Both her and her dh had accepted (probably rightly) that it was a death sentence and there was nothing that anyone could do. She died 18 mths after diagnosis - her children were 2 and 5.

Anger is such a big part of grief - and I felt angry for a long time. And the tragedy of cancer is there is noone to be angry with, so you find yourself finding people to blame . I find myself now getting angry at people who I feel don't live life to the full or who complain about ageing - my friend died a month shy of her 40th birthday and would have given anything to age .

The anger does subside, but, like all stages of grief it takes time. Lots of time.

Thankyou, Eddie, you have taught me something in your post.

Sorry to hear about your friend's cancer...it sounds awful. Mine was 34, and she would have given anything to grow old, too...her kids are about the same age as your friend's were.

I am angry, and I too get cross when people talk about anything related to it, in any way - two friends at school were discussing children with cancer, and whether too much intervention went on - I almost cried but realised they didn't have a clue what was happening with me.

You are right that there is no one to blame...I too spent many days and nights on the web, trying to find help for her, and that was the thing I came up with and who knows...but it's likely nothing would have worked longer term, anyway.

You feel so helpless don't you.
It has helped me a lot to talk with you guys on here. Thankyou.

Condem my DD died 4 years ago. Like Cyteen I was there with her when she died. I was with her all the way through her illness, everyday, every hour.

I still cant belive it. I still come to a halt in the middle f the street and just cannot belive that all that horror happened.

The way you feel is normal. You are not mad. The feelings will lessen with time.

cyteen cancer is indeed shit.

chesgirl, I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss - I can't begin to imagine how hard that must have been .

ConDem, how are you today?

Chesgirl I am really sorry, too. It's so very unfair to lose a child.

Eddie, thankyou for asking... I am doing Ok. Reading all your replies showed me that what is happening is normal, and I have stopped worrying so much about what I should be feeling or doing.

I am really grateful for the help I've had on this thread.

I'm glad to hear that ConDemNation.

There's no right or wrong way to deal with grief, only your way.