I'm bereaved, but she's still alive

[FluffyDonkey]

I'm not sure I'm posting in the right place - if I'm not then I'm sorry.

I just need to get off my chest how sad I feel right now. A very close friend had an accident 4 years ago. She died 3 times but each time they managed to bring her back.

Except they didn't bring her back - only a shell of who she was and I miss the old her so very much and it hurts so much to see what she has become.

She used to live in my town and I'd go to see her every few weeks, even though it was the most painful experience. Just to see my beautiful, vibrant, fun-loving friend sitting there, unable to walk, barely able to talk, she wasn't really there.

Now she's moved back home with her family - to the other side of the world. I can't see her anymore and we have very little contact as she can't talk over the phone and my emails only get a few, short replies (which is understandable)

I feel so guilty that I continue to live my life, with everything she wanted and she has lost it all.

And now I'm getting married, and I don't know how to tell her. She so wanted to get married, and now never will.

I thought of writing a letter but I don't know what to say. I know it'll hurt her and her mum, even though part of them will be glad for me (they're lovely people) but I don't want to hurt her. She'd never find out if I didn't tell her but I feel like I should.

I know she's had depression (unfortunately she is very aware of how she was before and what she has lost) and I really don't want to upset her.

I don't expect any of you to have a solution. I don't believe there is one. I can't go and see her, it's too far and too expensive. I just wanted to talk and my parents and future DH get so upset when I'm crying that I don't want to burden them with this.

I'm so sorry for you, how heartbreaking

I just wanted to say though - DO burden your future dh with it. Let him get upset with you, if that is how he feels when you are sad - it's because he loves you. You need to be able to let him in/share your inner world with him without feeling as though you are imposing on him. You would want him to let you be close to him and support him if he was feeling miserable, wouldn't you?

Good point Greensleeves. He has this fear of death and I know it really upsets him when I cry about my friend (silly things set me off).

I just came home from work feeling upset because this has been on my mind for a while and he is working late so won't get in for another 2 hours

Heartbreaking is the word I'd use too.

Just realised how bad my title sounds - sorry, was not in a fit state to think of a title

My bf is very unwell physically and was written off to a pretty much miserable existence - in excrutiating pain in bed, for life. (more recently she has been offered the possibility of some rehab)

It has been and still is heartbreaking and when I was able to see her it was very bittersweet, we didn't talk too much about it because it was too painful for both of us but there were some pain filled comments from both of us with tears.

I'm not sure this helps you at all but I did tell my friend that I was heartbroken for her and how angry and sad I am, I'm 99% sure that this was actually some comfort that she and her predicament isn't forgotten or not thought about and that I grieve for what should have been and how much I miss seeing her (long distance but at least still in the UK!)

I think as hard it is to tell her that written in a hearfelt way you can at least share with her in her disappointment/angry/grieving as well?

I'm all teary just "talking" about it with you (both your friend and mine)

I'm so sorry about your friend CarGirl.

It's so painful isn't it. Just gutting.

Everytime I write I tell her how I think about her loads and how I miss her. I don't know if it helps. I try not to talk about "before" but just say that I wish I could see her.

I know her mum appreciates us keeping in touch with them.

It's just so hard and nothing ever prepares you for it.

At least my friend is still herself so we can still phone each other etc I really can't imagine how you must feel

Are you going to invite her to your wedding?

Could she be a maid of honour? (assuming she can sit in a wheelchair)

She sounds like she is mentally intact but not physically in control - is that right? .

Of course this is immensely sad for you, but deep down she is aware and still herself - and deep down she will be pleased for you.

If you cut her out because you find it hard then it is understandable but probably not the person you want to be (when you're feeling strong)

I would email her - I would ask her if she would like to be part of it - if she responds positively then you can involve her in planning by sending pictures, asking her advice -

FluffyDonkey - sometimes people who have been through a very serious physical trauma or mental distress have to cut themselves off from their past in order to cope.

My best male friend married someone and she told him the day after the wedding that she did not want to be married to him. He went to the US and cut himself off for 10 years. When he got back in touch, he explained to me that he had to do it in order to restart his life after a nervous breakdown.

I hope your friend will come back to you. Gentle occassional contact, letting her know where you are, maybe a Xmas card will mean you are not lost to her.

Thanks for your posts.

I wasn't planning on inviting her to the wedding - she really is about 35 hours plane flight away and I know that she physically couldn't do it. Plus her family are struggling for money to cope with all the extra needs and flights cost a fortune.

But I do need to tell her (and her mum). I'm more in contact with her mum usually - at least, I get more replies.

Feeling a bit better today but I think it's a sadness that won't ever go away. I don't feel like I can celebrate her life (as I would if she had died) because she's still alive and in pain and depressed IYSWIM.