Can't think of a title but I need some help please...

[monkeybumsmum]

I lost my mum in January, we were incredibly close and talked at least once or twice a day on the phone.
Three days after she died I found out I was pregnant, and was almost instantly plunged into sickness from hell and was very poorly.
We very sadly lost the baby at 15 weeks, two weeks ago - I had to go in to give birth and then suffered from an infection so spent another week in hospital last week. This is our fourth loss of a little one, although we do have ds (3) who is a joy to be with.

I had a bit of a meltdown in hospital, but then thought I was doing okay... But I'm not. I've suddenly realised that my mum is gone and I can't talk to her and I don't know what to do or how to get through this. I have so much going round in my head that I can't filter the thoughts and when I do manage to sleep I have the most disturbing and upsetting dreams.

I feel like I'm losing touch with the real world and that I'm turning into a zombie, just going through the motions of life but not really living them.

I just wanted some advice really - is there anything I can do to settle down the whirling thoughts in my head. How do I manage not to be so numb and yet to deal with everything that's happened. I don't want to feel like this. I'm stuck in a nightmare and I can't escape

I didn't want to read your message and not answer. My heart goes out to you. I lost my mum over 5 years ago and its still hurts and sometimes I still can't believe she's gone.

How terrible for you to then lose a baby a few days after your mum died - you've had a really tough time.

Would writing it all down help settle your mind a bit? I still occassionally have bizarre dreams about my mum and I think its just your mind trying to reconcile things that are maybe too painful to think about when awake.

Maybe writing a letter to your mum or just even writing your thoughts down so they're out rather than in?

I'm sure someone will be along with some better advice soon but just wanted to send you my sympathies.

Have you got support and people to chat about it all with?

Its a cliche but its also true, time is the greatest healer and it will get easier to deal with. Be kind to yourself just now and allow yourself to grieve - for your mum and the babies you have lost.

Thanks for replying muchchoc Am so sorry to hear about your mum too. I suppose we'll always not quite be able to believe that they're not here anymore. It's just too big a loss.
Your suggestions for writing stuff down are good ones, thanks, but I just feel like I haven't even got the energy to pick up a piece of paper. I know I need to grieve but how do you do that? It all just feels too much and my body has gone into shutdown mode. I keep trying to tell myself that maybe things will be brighter in the future, but I'm not sure I believe it.
Do you know, I just re-read your message and your question as to whether I had support. My instant reaction is to say yes, I have my mum I do have dh, although he is finding it tough at the moment and is not a great talker. I have friends in RL who are being fab, and a wonderful MIL who rings every day. In that regard I am lucky, but no one will ever be able to talk to me like my mum did. What on earth am I going to do without her?

Hi,

Maybe the time will come when you feel ready to write - its maybe just too raw still.

One thing that helps me sometimes when all I want to do is to curl up and cry is to think that my mum's life was cut short and how she would want me to enjoy my life to the full and almost that I'm going to do it for both of us - not sure if that makes any sense or is any help at all to you just now.

Do you mind me asking what happened to your mum? Was it a sudden illness?

I know that lots of people find organisations like Cruse helpful too.

I think for now you just need to do what feels right to you - I know at the start I looked at photos a lot and went to my mum's grave as it felt like I had to confront my grief but everyone is different and I didn't have any children to cope with at the time, which must be tough for you.

I also got a book of poems called something like 'Poems to say goodbye', one in particular I really liked was one called 'Do not stand at my grave and weep'.

Hopefully this will bump this for you again and you might get some more advice as I feel like I'm just rambling and not sure its any help to you at all.

Thanks muchchoc You're not just rambling, and it does help. You are right about my mum wanting me to do things for the both of us, I know she would've been egging me on to do stuff, but there's so much I know she would've loved to do and doing it without her would feel so sad.

I don't mind you asking what happened - she started with rheumatoid arthritis when expecting my brother (now 30) and it progressively got worse. She always managed to battle through and to somehow cope. Then just after our wedding in 2005 she had an operation that went wrong, and she was stuck in a wheelchair for a long time. I think this gave the arthritis the chance to overcome her finally, and although she carried on fighting it she never really made it out of the wheelchair. She was in so much pain at the end that her heart just gave out, and she was so weak they couldn't bring her back. I live in Belgium, and so wasn't there when she died, but my dad and brother were. Thankfully I'd seen her a couple of days before - we celebrated her 60th birthday and she really enjoyed it, despite what she was going through. The last time I saw her she was smiling at me and ds, and waving goodbye.

She's buried in our local village in the UK, and because of being so ill with the pregnancy I haven't been back since staying for two weeks over her funeral. I can't get to her grave, although my brother put flowers down on mothers day for me.

She was such an adventurer, and I know she'll want me to get on with things, and I suppose I will in time, but it all just seems so overwhelming and unbelievable right now.

Thanks so much for your advice, and for posting, and sorry if my post is too long with too many details, but it just seemed to all pour out x

So sorry to hear of your loss. it must be almost unbearably painful to have lost your baby so soon after your mum's death.

I found that when my dad died coming on here and posting all the thoughts that were whirring around in my head helped more than almost anything. I received lots of support from people who had been through the same thing. My dh and friends tried very hard to be understanding but unless you have been through the loss of a close family member I think it is very hard to truly understand.

Can you get some time to yourself? Even going for a walk in the evening when your ds is asleep. I found that there wasn't room in my brain for all the day to day crap as well as my grief, and walking helped clear my head a bit.

You will find this difficult to believe at the moment, but it will get easier with time, and whilst you will always miss your mum it will be in a gentler and less raw way.

I too lost my mum in January and still feel very raw. I had a few bad nights with my DD not sleeping (this has been a long running issue) but found myself sitting on the stairs at 3am sobbing I wanted my mum. I just needed to talk to her. Just to let you knew you are not alone in these feelings.

Oh you poor, poor thing. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I had a few very dark days recently (my DP died eight months ago) and the kindness and advice from people on here made a huge amount of difference to me. I'd second what mamaduck said about needing to talk to people who have been through something similarly devastating.

On a practical note, I know what you mean about 'whirling thought syndrome'. I have to stay up much too late because I can't sleep unless I'm aching with tiredness. I have found a few activities that keep the suicidal thoughts at bay: playing the guitar (very badly, I might add), painting (ditto), cake decorating. Basically anything that involves concentrating so hard on something that you do not think. I find doing these things gives me a bit of respite from the awful raw grief.

I really hope you manage to have a peaceful night tonight.