coming up to 1 year aniversary of Dad's death: Please tell me this is normal and I am not losing the bloomin plot.....

[DrNortherner]

On the outside I appear fine. Inside I am thinking 'this was his last ever Friday alive and we didn't know' Keep thinking if only I knew then what I know now.

At home with dh I am over sensitive, mardy and just want to go to bed early and wake up late.

I know I am short tempered and have little patience at the moment but can't seem to fix it.

Also feeling slightly anxious which is so not me. Keep having to take big deep breaths in.

Anyone else felt like this? How did you feel once anniversary had passed?

I so empathise - 1st anniversary is very final. You know he is not coming back. It has not been just a bad dream. But I think it also marks a turning point, when you stop thinking all the time of what/who you have lost and start to appreciate what/who you did have. It sounds so trite but your Dad will always be with you, he is 'in' you now. In your genes, in your children, in your thoughts, in your memory, he is part of what made you - YOU - the person you are now.

When my Dad died my sister announced that we were now orphans and I thought that was a bit extreme as we were all grown up with families of our own. However, our Dad had been our 'rock' a calm, sensible, steady, helpful, supportive man (our lovely Mum was always a bit unpredictable) and I remember feeling bereft without his support and unconditional approval and got really anxious over decisions and small upsets because, I suppose, my Daddy was not there to help me, to rely on.

It is not easy, because death is a commonplace people expect you to 'get over it' quickly but it takes its own good time. Lots of people have said to me that the 2nd anniversary was poignant rather than devastating - more my Dad was wonderful, I was so blessed to have him. You assimilate and adjust. BTW you are certainly normal, human and greiving.
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It is normal, sadly. The grief ride has a lot of ups and downs; for many years after my mum's death, I spent every August thinking I was going mad. Now, it's the 3 year anniversary of my brother's death in a couple of weeks and my anxiety is out of control, the worst it's been for years.

I also found that the actual day of my bro's first anniversary was a real let down. I expected to feel some sort of change in me or in the world, and I didn't - just more grey and grim at the prospect of many more years of missing him.

Sorry, that is really uncheerful But it's easy to get caught up in 'events' and invest particular days with significance, only to find that they do not meet your expectations.

All the best.

I had similar experiences when I was coming close to my mothers first anniversary. I remember watching the clock and thinking about what was happening at the particular points in time when my mother died and also noting when the time of death was announced. Not very pleasant but I wasn't able to stop myself.

I found that the first year was very hard but past the one year point I found that gradualy the pain subsided and I am now sad but also happy to think about particular memories etc and I try to focus on those things in relation to anniversaries. I also made a conscious decision to allow anniversary days to be very sad days and inevitably the days leading up to it and just after will be depressing days. Just be honest with your partner about how you feel, I'm sure he'll understand. I would also recommend making the birthday's of your dad a positive marking day. Whereas the anniversary is sad I make sure the birthday is a celebration of my mothers life and it is a day when I try to remember the memories that really make me laugh, cook food she loved and similar. I've also named my daughter after her so I feel a deep connection with her when I call my daughters name. You'll find your own ways of remembering your dad. But like Granny23 says your a normal person dealing with grief in a normal way.

Normal i think.
i found the lead up to the firsts very hard, big turning point for me was at 14 months, i accepted that this was it and DH wasn't coming back, i didn't like it but i did accept it more then, i had been in protest mode up until then i think. be kind to yourself and think about how you want to spend the day.

Very normal.
I lost my Mum nearly three years ago and a month ago sadly my Dad passed away.

I find it all evry diffcult with any 'anniversary' that comes up ,I espacilly fund the first Mothers Day very difficult , I am now going to find Fathers Day in June very difficult.

My Dad lived aboaut 200 miles from us and I often think I must phone him ,then it sinks in that he is not there and the phone number that we had at home for years is now 'dead'. I still have he number programmed into my phone however as 'Mum & Dad'.

I dont think anniversaries ever get better.

Granny23 - I feel the same way about Dad - he was our rock and the backbone of our family. Even though myself and my siblings have families of our own it is still such a loss and I find it so strange and upsetting to think that now both may parents have gone. With parents you expect them to be there for ever no matter how old yoou are.

Very normal. Although I was only ten when my father died, I still remember feeling all those firsts.

First Christmas passed in a blur as that was only 4 weeks later, but then the first Mother's day, when Dad would help us choose a card or make a card for Mum. Then the first Easter when we always used to go to church in clean dresses and he would have shone our shoes till you could see your faces in them.

First Fathers Day was hell. Especially as at the time, we were the only children in the school who didn't have a Dad. Even the 2 divorced families had the Dad nearby for the children to see.

For me, personally, it was the tenth anniversary that hit me hardest. That was when, as an adult, I realised I had spent half my life with my Dad not there in it.And it hurt.

Thanks for all your kind words, and sorry for your sad losses too.

Granny23 my dad sounded just like yours. Always there, always with good advice, just a wise and wonderful man. My Mum is emotional and needy, I have always had to support her, and when Dad was around that was fine, because he supported me. Now he's gone.

I think I am entering the realisation phase. He's never coming back. I'll never see him again. And yes it hurts like hell, physically.

Dr Northerner

I don't think you are losing the plot. I don't have any words of wisdom I just did'nt want to not say anything when I saw your post.

I've been looking in last years diary sort of reliving my last memories of dad - what we did, were we went. etc etc.

Like you I feel like the world is a very different place without my dad. Losing him affects me every single day. From waking up to going to sleep. I feel a different person and feel I'm just coping with it really - I can relate to the bereft feeling.

Hugs to you and everyone else who knows how it feels.

Very normal in my experience I'm afraid. I'm at 14 months and now all the first have passes it is an odd feeling. I think I am finally starting to accept that it is real, they my parents have gone.

Take care of yourself. x

It's sadly very normal. It's been 2.5 years since my dad died and it did feel strange coming up to the first anniversary. I marked the day by letting go of some helium balloons (probably not very environmentally friendly). My children think that he is the brightest star in the sky at night and wanted to send him a message.

I don't think that grief follows a particular path. I am finding it very difficult at the moment, I don't know why really.

I too find Father's Day very difficult although I still buy him a card and write in it, I just keep it in my drawer. I also have my parent's number as 'Mum and Dad' and I even have his mobile number too. Silly I suppose.

OP - I didn't feel like that, but did have dreams about my parents looking like they did when I was a child, only in the dream I was an adult. We all deal with bereavement in our own way.

DrNortherner, It's now 13 months since my son died aged 2 and I think my last two weeks have been the darkest since he died. Hang on in there. Whatever you feel just now is normal and I have experienced waves of anxiety at the most unexpected times. I think the old me was very self-confident whereas the new me is not quite so. Grieving is so individual but according to many people i've talked to it does ease not feel so intense as time goes by. Much love to you and yours xx

DrNortherner in away I found it easier once the 1st anniversary was over, we marked it as it was also a couple of days before ds 18th.
but like you I found myself thinking of all the last year this was happening.
it is not easy.
love to you and your family