Mum has died Im five months pregnant

[DOROTHYP]

I wondered if there was anyone else who has been through a similar thing? She died five weeks ago unexpectedly and I realise its early days.

But im finding it hard to rest worrying about the baby and I know this cant be good for either of us.

Im just lost really..

i'm so sorry to hear this dorothyp.

I lost my grandad when i was pg with DD and itwas very difficult - but nothing as bad as losing a parent.

I'm so sorry. Would you consider having some counselling or similar? I think Cruse is a godo start from what I've heard.

I think I might but the midwife said it was too early. But you know yourself better sometimes. Thank you for answering x

i am really sorry

If you have specific worries about the baby, sk your MW, never be afraid to ring her, or ask on here

Thats the irony of it Im falling to pieces and the baby gets stronger every day. I think its because my mom died unexpectedly it makes you realise how fragile life can be.

i went through this, i was 24 weeks pregnant when my mum died.
i found it was hard to grieve and i panicked about the baby my whole pregnancy. At my 32 week appointment i begged to have a c section so i could get my baby ealier and lucky the midwife saw i was distressed and it was all sorted for me. Silly me though once i held my baby i would be able to grieve and that someway my baby would heal my pain. It didnt happen like that for me.
When dd was 4 weeks old the HV noticed i had PND and i was referred for grief councelling.
that for me was a huge issue as it uncovered alot of other issues i didnt know i had BUT it turned me around and enabled me to move on and bond.
The whole time i was pregnant i felt i couldnt grieve as it would harn my baby. I now know this isnt the case and i probably made things harder by holding it all in.

My advice to you would be to talk to your gp about being referred for councelling, its up to you if you wait till after having baby or do it before but its certainly something you should sort out now as waiting lists are long.

Dorothy,

my mum once said to me that a woman needs her own mum the most, when she becomes a mother herself.
I am so sorry this has happened just when you needed her so much.

It's so unfair x

Thank you. Im grateful for you telling me about your mom.

You do feel so alone now. Ive got family but its not the same as your mom to ask things.

And everything we do for the baby is painful as shes missing it.

I have nothing advise wise for you - i lost my mummy when my oldest was just over a year and it was devastating even though she had cancer and i knew it was coming.

I just wanted to sympathise with you and wish you all the best, try and get some counselling perhaps, just to give yourself some time and space to talk, you will need this when you baby comes becuase everything becomes focused on them but you need some space too.

It is true what fliight says about you needing your mum more than ever and this is a true thing to happen to you, they to think about how she would want you to be, try an honour her memory in that way.

I'm so sorry DorothyP xx

DorothyP, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mom when I was 18, well before becoming pregnant so I haven't got the exact same experience. I agree with what has been said above about councelling, I had some when I was pregnant as I found it very hard, lost of mixed-up feeling and was very afraid of not bonding with my baby. Bonkerz story is a tough one too. If your midwife doesn't seem keen to refer you talk to your GP. In fact, most hospitals have a "women" oriented counsillor attached to their maternity units so you might have easier access to a councillor than you might think. Personally I don't know where I would be without that help which I got throughout my pregnancy. It was really good to talk to someone who could listen to my grief and talk me through my feelings. Based on Bonkerz story I might count myself even luckier to perhaps have escaped PND. My councillor was based at the hospital I was booked in too (St Georges in London). Where are you booked in?

I know what you mean also about wanting to share with your mom all that's happening to you, and also the shopping bit. I kept wanting to ask her about the things I was experiencing, if she had experienced it too. It seems like pregnancy is a great bonding experience for mothers and daughters and I feel I missed out on something important. I still find it hard to see other young mothers with their children and their own mothers walking in the park, playing, eating out that sort of thing. I look forward to doing that with my daughter and her children though. It sounds like you have family who you can talk to about your mother and who can tell you stories about her. That is so important (if not quite the same as the real thing). If you have an aunt that you are okay close too let her give you advise too, it will be nice to have some older female attention after the birth of your baby too.

When I was pregnant I posted a similar message to yours and I got some advise from another bereaved mothers, one of which was to start a 'memory book' (scrap book/journal) which you can share with your child when he or she is older. Making it will be good for you and let you grief now, if your ready that is, but will also give you something to show to your child and talk to him or her about their grandmother too. I am doing this myself and plan to have many afternoons with my daughter looking through it.

DorothyP, I feel for you and will be thinking of you.

Sorry you are going through this DorothyP. My mother died after a brief illness when I was nearly 7 months pg. She was diagnosed with cancer just 3 months before. I did get very stressed by it and ended up going into early labour (dd was born the day of her funeral). I was flagged as at risk for pnd, but escaped. I don't think you can easily grieve properly when you are pregnant for some reason.

So sorry to hear about your Mom dorothyp.

My mom died when i was 37 weeks pregnant with my first ds. It was a truly awful time.

My midwife was really lovely to me, i hope yours is too.

It was only really a couple of years ago that it really hit me that my Mom had gone.

Be kind to yourself and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Dorothyp - nothing new or constructive to add but just wanted to sympthise and wish you all the best. I am so sorry for your loss and cant imagine how it must feel but my heart goes out to you.

I just wanted to say thank you for all the support. Its been a great comfort xx

Hi Dorothy.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and that it's come at this time. It seems so cruel to have to process loss and new life all at once.

You're not alone in going through this, and you will get through it. Pregnancies are amazing at taking care of themselves in the direst circumstances.

Wishing you all the best. Zeno.

dorothyp my father committed suicide when I was 3 months pg. He died slowly over a 2 weeks period and during that time I spent a lot of time driving up to my parents (3 hours away) sometimes 3 times a week.

Im so sorry for you loss but try to take care of yourself. Your baby will be just fine, Ive found that in every pregnancy something awful has happend, in fact they have been some of the worse times of my life) but my babies have all turned out very well so far, all very laid back and relaxed so they dont seem to have been harmed by all the stress they were under in the womb.

Once you have got through the first few weeks treat yourself and your baby, I went for a spa day the week before the funeral, I turned my phone off and just had some me and baby time , then afterwards we went on a family holiday.

Dorothy,
so sorry for you.

I am 29 weeks pg and lost my mum unexpectedly at Chrsitmas. You're right it is ealry days - just 5 weeks for you and 13 for me. It does get better, a little. I used to cry all day long, and just sit in a chair and relive all my life with her. Poor dd2 watched toystory all day and god knows how I got dd1 to school - i could barely put one foot in front of the other.

It is still very very hard but at least I dont cry all day anymore. But I miss her dreadfully and I just want her back, its thats simple , I just want her here with me. And Im scared, and frightened - despite the fact that im happliy married for 10 years, a fab family, When your mum is here everything will always be ok, and now shes not and I think who have I got to look after me now?
YOur mums your mum isnt she?

I am dreading the time after the birth cos I know she would have been the first to visit , and wouldve visited everyday for the forst month - her absence will be massive.

I dont have any advice Dorothy , just know that im thinking of you xxx

I think Im grieving for all the things she wont see. She was living for the baby and the house is full of things she bought for he/she that I still cant look at.

I know it sounds bad but I look at other people who have had the chance to be a granny and think its not fair why not my mom.

Some days you cant breathe you cry so much and other days go so quick its hard to believe its only five weeks.

Plum 100 I read your post and it could have been me writing it. If you need someone to share it with I know what your going through xx

I'm so sorry for your loss, DorothyP.

My mother died suddenly, a few years before I had my children. I miss her terribly and wish she knew my children.

Her mother died when she was expecting me, and even though I never knew my grandmother, I always felt close to her and as though she was a big part of my life. My mother named me after her, and talked about her a lot, and when I got engaged she asked if we'd like to use my grandmother's engagement ring.

In terms of coping with your pregnancy, another poster mentioned counselling services at your hospital. I had counselling during one pregnancy (for something else) and found it very helpful. It helped me to get through the week, knowing that each week there was an hour when I could focus completely on the things that were troubling me.

The other thing that might help you is hypnotherapy. I used this when expecting my DC4 and it gave me time to focus on the pregnancy and the baby in a very relaxed and positive way. It might help with some of the physical symptoms of grief, too.

x

I'm very sorry to hear about your sad loss.

I came across a book once called something like "Motherless Mothers" - try amazon or similar to read other people's experiences?

I haven't experienced this myself but I had a friend who lost her mother v shortly after having her first baby. She was very sweet about it, saying that although her mum isn't here with her now, she taught her everything about being a good mother just by her example and she took some comfort from that.

I know your mum won't be there in practical terms, but think of all the things she has taught you and all the examples she has shown you and perhaps think about this and realise you'll be a wonderful mother too. (You sound like a lovely daughter!!)

Try to look after yourself as best you can and look forward to bringing that brand new life into the world. What joy she or he will bring you...

Good luck...

Hi there

Sorry to hear about your mum. My son died when I was 5 months pregnant and my little girl is now 10 months old. He was very ill throughout my pregnancy but all went well and my daughter was delivered at 39 weeks by section. So although I was stressed, worried and upset, my daughter was fine. I also lost my mum 12 years ago and still miss her x

I'm so sorry for your loss Dorothy.
My lovely mother died last May when DC4 was 3 months old. Sadly he was born abroad and she died 2 weeks before we were returning to the UK for 12 weeks so she never met him which I was devestated about. I try to convince myself thatat least she knew about him, knew he existed etc but its not the same. I like to think however that she is looking down on him and her other granchildren.

My dad died 5 years ago so he didn't know his youngest two grandchildren. DC3 is 3.5 and vaguely remembers nannie. I love the idea suggested above about the memory book and I'm going to do that. A lovely suggestion. I feel very sad at times that DC1 and 2 (now 16 and 13) had so much quality time with their grandparents that DC3 and 4 didn't have so the memory book will be something special that I can share with then.

Sending you lots of love and strength to get you through this without your best friend. Remember though, she knows and is watching over you and your baby x

Hi. I really hope you've found light in your experience. I'm experiencing similar at the moment. My mum died 3 months ago and I've been lost while my 2 kids are with family till I collect myself. Then finding out I'm expecting my 3rd child. Lost and looking for someone to talk to