Help, great-uncle is dying, I don't know how to break it to 12yoDD or what to do about funeral

[MmmCoffee]

My great-uncle has been ill in hospital for a month, they just diagnosed end-stage leukemia and we just got a call from the hospital, they don't expect him to make it through the weekend. My mum & dad have gone up to London to be there with him.

Our DD (12) isn't close to him, we only see him once or twice a year, but we lived abroad for a long time and he's one of the few family members she's actually met.

She has a big school trip tomorrow so I've just told her he is very ill and has taken a turn for the worse. I'll let her know how bad it is when she gets back on Sunday.

I haven't had to deal with this before, we have been very lucky and haven't had a death in the close family since DD was born. Her elderly godmother died a few years ago and she was devastated. I am dreading having to tell her he's gone. And I am really not sure whether to pull her out of school to go to London for the funeral. Depending on the time, it would probably be an overnight trip and she'd have to miss 2 days. But at 12yo, would she resent missing the funeral? I don't know if going to it would help her grieve or just make it worse.

I'm having to grit my teeth and smile tonight because I don't want her all upset before the big trip tomorrow, she's been looking forward to it since Christmas. I'll be bawling on the sofa after she goes to bed tonight.

bump

OK, I don't have a 12yo, so don't have that persepctive. But I did take my nearly 4 yo to my grandfather's funeral last year and would be happy to share my experience/rationale of that if it helps at all?

DD didn't see her GGF much either, about the same as your 12yo by the sounds of it. We knew he was probably going to die, and told her so (we are Christians, so were able to explain what would happen next etc)

My decision to take her to the funeral wasn't massively supported by my family; my sister told me it was "inappropriate" and DSM was not very sure either. My rationale was that she was old enough to udnerstand (don't think all kids her age would be, but she was), that she was part of the family and wanted to say goodbye. My personal opinion is also that we shield children to much from death nowadays; it's part of life and we should not pretend it does not happen. Realistically the next person in our family who dies is likely to be a DGP, so I would rather her first experience of death wasn't as devastating as that is likely to be (for us all)

In the event, I talked her through the planned day, got her books from the library about it and generally prepared her for it. And do you know what? She still speaks about it over a year later. She had a really positive experience (helped, no doubt, by the pudding section of the buffet tabel and it was great for her to see her extended family.

For us, it was the right thing to do. I don't know I would make the same decision with her sister, I would need to think about it. It's very individual and you know your child best. The good thing is that a 12yo can tell you what she thinks too.

I would think that if she is not close to him, at 12 she unlikely to be THAT upset. How was she when you told her that he was very ill?

ask her whether she wants to go to the funeral. i can't see how going would make her feel worse unless she dreads it, in which case she wouldn't want to go anyway.

and agree with littlesilver, it is important to meet extended family and have shared experiences.

Thanks LittleSilver that helps.

Portofino she was pretty upset; didn't actually cry but got red-eyed and teary. She did say she'd like to see him, but at that point he was already in hospital; I took my mum up to London as soon as we could and he was already very weak and pale, and he has an issue with one eye, it's all bulbous and bloodshot and TBH would be very scary for her to see him like that.

Part of the issue is that we were a military family; whenever she got "close" to friends they would get posted, or we would move. So now we are settled, I think she was thinking that everyone would be here sort of 'forever' rather than disappearing after a couple of years.

I am pretty sure that given the option, she would want to go to the funeral. But a lot of the family that would come are 'weepy and waily' and would be all over-emotional and dramatic about 'Dear Old Uncle', and then at the wake would be loudly asking who would be getting his silver, his good china, etc. I know because it happened at his brothers funeral several years ago. I really don't want to expose her to that, but I don't want to deny her her chance to 'say goodbye'.

I would really want to go to the funeral too, so I wouldn't feel good about leaving her at home missing it if she wants to come.

I'm jumping the gun, this sounds so horrible, he's in hospital on morphine and I'm worrying about how it will affect my DD

Aah that does put a different perpsective on it. FWIW, my family always tried to protect me against "unpleasantness" growing up. In the long term I don't think it did me any favours. Just made me unsure of how to act/what to do etc and hence VERY uncomfortable with other peoples illnesses and tradegies....

So it might be upsetting, but it is part of life all the same, and shouldn't be "avoided". Though I totally understand where you are coming from.

Thanks herbietea, I know I don't want DD to see him.

I am so not looking forward to Sunday when I have to tell her what's going on. Please, please let him still be alive on Sunday