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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

my friend just died - her DS and my DD (4yo) are friends

73 replies

OmicronPersei8 · 18/03/2010 23:10

My friend died about an hour ago. She had cancer, we knew it was terminal. I posted about her and her DS a week or so ago, and had lots of helpful replies.

I think I've mainly come on MN tonight because DH is 'digesting' the news and I need to talk/company.

Tomorrow I want to talk to DD about what's happened, but I'm not sure exactly how. I've already talked to her a bit and it has helped that her current favourite film is Up so we've been talking about death a little anyway. She doesn't really seem to get it, and I don't know what the best thing to do is.

I'm rambling now. Just so sad for that little boy without his mummy.

OP posts:

DadInsteadofMum · 19/03/2010 18:29

Omicron I am so sorry I really didn't mean to upset. All I know from my experience is that some people who my DW would have regarded as close friends offered much but did almost nothing and others said little but really came through.

I think it has been made very clear which category you have put yourself into, good for you.

MarineIguana · 19/03/2010 18:38

So sorry Omicron.

It's not the same as his mum but you can still give her DS those hugs, he still needs them - don't shrink back from him. I remember seeing Billy Connolly interviewed about losing his mum (though I think she left) and saying how a motherly neighbour hugged him and it was wonderful.

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 19/03/2010 18:59

It's ok DIOM - I knew what you meant. As it happens it's the DP I've known the longest. My parents were with him until the small hours last night.

Anyway, I've just cooked some food, talked to DD, we'll see what this evening is like.

Coming on MN is helping, I can see how it all slowly unfolds - how people react, questions I want to ask, different feelings surfacing. DD has understood now to some degree, I wanted to talk to her before they came in case her friend wants to say anything.

I've got to go and get ready for my home to fill up.

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Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 19/03/2010 21:27

They came, drank tea, ate a bit. DD and her friend ran around and played. I talked to the dad, the mum's sister came too and we chatted as well.

The dad spoke with a real quiet respect for her strength, she was amazing throughout her illness. We spoke about how we are all like family. It was good to see them all. And I got to give the boy a big hug.

Now I just have to round up my kids and get them in bed (they're watching the end of DVD at the moment).

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thumbwitch · 19/03/2010 22:40

that's a great thing to have done, omicron - sounds like it was a really positive experience for them as well at this time of awfulness.

SchrodingersSexKitten · 19/03/2010 23:50

Recently a lady I know died, leaving a gorgeous DD aged 4. I did not know the mummy that well, but we had attended coffee mornings occasionally. But I was still in shock for many days and struggled enormously with the thoughts of her little girls being alone. God knows how you are coping with a close friend leaving a little one.

Anyway, I am posting to say that I wrote a card to the little girl telling her how special her mummy was (she was, she was almerican and had a wonderful warmth and enthusiasm) and how much her mummy's eyes lit up whenever she was talking about her DD. And some other details about her mummy that I thought she might never know, like how she laughed alot...

I gave it to the father and told him he was welcome to read it but I hoped he would keep it safe until his DD was older and would appreciate the info in it. I think he was very touched.

I felt like although the little girl would have her own memories of her mother, they would always be childhood memories and I wanted her -possibly as an adult - to know what her mummy was like as an adult.

Just an idea for you.

spongebrainbigpants · 20/03/2010 00:03

Omicron, I'm so sorry to hear off your friend's death - I posted on your other thread about the friend I lost eight years ago who left two small children.

It is such a tragic loss and my heart goes out to you and all those touched by this.

schrodinger's post reminded me that at my friend's funeral her dh provided a 'memory book' for all her friends and family to write in - we all wrote 'letters' to her children telling them what their mum had meant to us, how we knew her, what we loved about her and what she loved about them.

The book was passed around all day and really is full of the most beautiful messages for her children to read in years to come.

solo · 20/03/2010 01:23

What a fabulous idea sbbp.

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 20/03/2010 10:11

That memory book idea is lovely. I have a photo of the two of us very pregnant. I'm going to give him it with a little something about how excited we were in pregnancy and what she was like then, I think what you did SSK sounds l
lovely too, I think I might do something like that as well about his baby days.

My wonderful DH last night finally came out with his wise words. He said that when his father died, at first he thought he was numb, but it was almost like happiness because the weight of his illness was lifted - it was like living under a grey fuzz before. It was only a week or two later that he properly realised that not only had the illness gone, so had his dad.

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spongebrainbigpants · 20/03/2010 22:16

When memories are all you have left it is so important to record them - we don't see so much of her children nowadays as they are teenagers now and have their own lives, but when we do they always want to talk about their mum. It's lovely for us too, cos we don't get to talk about her so much now and since I became a mum too I miss her even more .

Your dh is right about the initial stage of grief following death after a long illness can be mixed up with relief at the end of suffering, but 'recovery' from grief isn't a linear process either. I would find that things would hit me long after the event - her dh had 'Mother and Child Reunion' played at her funeral and that song still makes me cry even now, eight years on.

My dad said to me, when I asked him how long the loss would hurt for, that it never really goes away, you just learn to live with it. I think he was right.

troublewithtalk · 21/03/2010 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 22/03/2010 00:07

I've just written the text to go with photo, then I had a look at my friend's facebook page (her sister had told me some people had left lovely tributes), then I looked on Winston's Wish and now I'm sitting here in floods of tears. I couldn't even say why I'm crying, except that she's gone, and I've just been trying to recall all the details of when we were both pregnant.

The thing that really set me off though was remembering the first time I went to see her after her DS was born, it's such a precious memory, it was my first taste of that wonderful newborn love and glow, I was so hungry for it and only a week or so later my DD was born and it was such an amazing time in our lives to have shared.

I'm on MN as DH is asleep and I'm just sat here with tears running down my face.

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Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 22/03/2010 00:07

I feel self-indulgent sharing this all with strangers on the internet.

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solo · 22/03/2010 00:14

Not at all self indulgent. Your sharing of your feelings and memories is very touching, so share away

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 22/03/2010 00:16

I used to make outrageous comments and save up dirty jokes just to make her laugh - even more so when she got really ill.

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Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 22/03/2010 00:16

DD has woken up now and is crying. DH is with her but I may disappear to deal with her.

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Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 22/03/2010 00:17

Thanks solo, BTW, before I have to run off.

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solo · 22/03/2010 00:31

No problem it's very hard isn't it? life is tough and the death of those we love is even harder. I lost 10 people in 12 months last year including the friend I mentioned before. She was 32. That knocked me for six...soooo keep talking, we'll listen.

shelleylou · 22/03/2010 00:36

Im still here too Om. least i can do after the support you and others gave me. Crying at memories is normal i do it very often

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 22/03/2010 12:12

Solo that is so . So sorry to hear about all your losses. How are you doing? That must be so much to have to cope with.

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solo · 22/03/2010 14:01

No, this is your thread for your friend Omi, I just want you to know that you and your friends Dh and Dc's are not alone.
I personally haven't grieved yet for any of mine and I wish I could. It will come.

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 22/03/2010 23:27

I hope you find the time to grieve, it must be hard with so much to process.

Going about my daily routine is starting to make it all seem more real to me now. To a certain extent anyway. At first all I could think of was the DS, now I am thinking of my friend, starting to mourn the life she lost to the cancer long before she died.

She was such a ballsy woman, would always speak her mind. She was still like that the last time I saw her. Even breathless and tired she wouldn't stop til she got her point across. Not always the easiest friend to have but always worth knowing.

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solo · 22/03/2010 23:49

Thanks Omi stay strong...

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