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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

my friend just died - her DS and my DD (4yo) are friends

73 replies

OmicronPersei8 · 18/03/2010 23:10

My friend died about an hour ago. She had cancer, we knew it was terminal. I posted about her and her DS a week or so ago, and had lots of helpful replies.

I think I've mainly come on MN tonight because DH is 'digesting' the news and I need to talk/company.

Tomorrow I want to talk to DD about what's happened, but I'm not sure exactly how. I've already talked to her a bit and it has helped that her current favourite film is Up so we've been talking about death a little anyway. She doesn't really seem to get it, and I don't know what the best thing to do is.

I'm rambling now. Just so sad for that little boy without his mummy.

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Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 18/03/2010 23:40

Thanks gettingout, that's good advice. I don't think DD will get it (to any degree really) until we see her friend again and the mum isn't there. I'll just have to be ready to answer questions as they come.

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Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 18/03/2010 23:42

What's strange is I've known her DP for longer (most of my life - his ex-P was like a second mum to me when I was little), but having shared our pregnancies and baby days I just feel that bond with her.

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Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 18/03/2010 23:48

Valpollicella, thank you.

Solo, that's so very very sad.

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Valpollicella · 18/03/2010 23:48

So this is a close bereavement Omi

How are you doing?

gettingout · 18/03/2010 23:49

Yes and that will be the challenge really because she might want to talk about it when you feel most upset.
About 2 months after my dad died I had a bit of a cold and I was sniffing a bit. DS looked at me and said are you sad about Granddad again? It made me realise that he had taken in so much more than I thought he had, but now he thought a sniffing mummy is a sad one not a sick one. He is fine and has coped.
We look at the "new star" in the sky and he says "it is Granddad, I can see his walking stick"
Simple concepts but they work at this young age.
So sorry.

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 18/03/2010 23:54

I feel apprehensive of the grief to come. Also it's not just me but my entire circle of family friends, including my parents. The half-brother (on the dad's side) is my DD's godfather, there are just so many links between the families. I know that my mum has had a few difficult bereavements to deal with and leans on me, I'm not sure how I will find that.

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Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 18/03/2010 23:55

Which feels a bit selfish, really.

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Valpollicella · 19/03/2010 00:00

There isn't physical grief to come, just you anticipating managing other grief...which isn't your sole responsibility love.

Who else will be supporting you with any arangements?

Are you deailing with the funreal arrangements?

Monty100 · 19/03/2010 00:02

Om - its not selfish. I hope she understands and supports you.

Can you give that wee boy a big hug from us tomorrow. And feel our arms around you all the time too.

Valpollicella · 19/03/2010 00:04

Oh so sorry -if there is, there is, Orm

I am totally randomly listening to this right now but is a beautiful song...

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 19/03/2010 00:05

I don't have to deal with any of the arrangements, the DP and her family will do all that. Just the crying and sadness I'm apprehensive of, and with my mum our relationship is delicately balanced (we get on ok at the moment) and I don't want to end up snapping at her or anything like that. I'm sure we'll just support each other though.

I have to go to bed now - I think DH might be ready to talk. I've learnt it's best to let him have a bit of thinking time, then he'll be fantastic and thoughtful afterwards. No point pushing immediately.

If I can't sleep I'll be back though.

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Monty100 · 19/03/2010 00:07

Night Om. I hope you get some rest.

I'm off in a mo too but will be thinking of you.

Valpollicella · 19/03/2010 00:07

Wishing you some peaceful sleep Omi x

thumbwitch · 19/03/2010 00:17

so to hear this omicron - I saw your other thread but don't think I posted as I didn't have anything useful to contribute - but I feel for you, your family and your friend's family, partner and DS, such a dreadful thing to have to deal with. If Retiredgoth is around, I think he may be able to help you, having lost his wife 4 years ago - he has 4 DSs (not sure how old they were when their mum died though).

Big ((hugs)) to you too, hope you get some sleep.

shelleylou · 19/03/2010 01:25

sorry to hear about your friend and wishing you strength.

Telling children is hard. I had to tell my then 2.11yo ds that his uncle (my db) was dead in october (i cant say he died) I just told him that uncle xxxx was in the sky and we couldn't see him anymore but we can still think of him and look at his photos. That db loved him lots and we can talk about him. Different organisations have had varying views on me saying this but most have agreed that it was right to say to ds at the time, i have since given him a little more information that i think he can cope with and understand but without trying to scare him. Circumstances were very different to your friends

QOD · 19/03/2010 01:48

I am so sorry for your loss, poor wee lad X

DadInsteadofMum · 19/03/2010 11:07

May I suggest that your DD makes a card for the DS. As a family we received a lot of card and letters, but very few addressed to just the kids, and the ones that came to them from their friends meant a lot to them.

lottiejenkins · 19/03/2010 11:22

My ds is profoundly deaf and has other special needs, his dad died when he was five. A friend of mines ex husband died five years ago when their son was five. I had taken my ds(then nine) to the church christmas bazaar that afternoon and got the phone call about my friends ex when we got home. My ds had won a small teddy at the bazaar and i sat him down and explained what had happened. Without being asked he said i will write to ....... and say i am sorry. He wrote the most heartbreakingly lovely letter. Dear..... I am very sorry for you that your daddy died. I am sad to cos my daddy died too. Love........ He also gave the little boy the teddy he had won and they gave the teddy my sons name! I was able to put my friend onto WW as they had helped us so much as well. Last year for my 40th birthday i didnt have presents but had donations which i split between WW and my sons deaf school.

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 19/03/2010 14:31

I hadn't thought of DD making a card - it's a lovely idea. I just spoke to the dad (my friend's DP), offering condolences and whatever help I can off (even if it's just playdates).

We've got nothing on tomorrow so I think we'll make a nice card together in the morning. Thank you DIOM and lottie for the suggestions.

Shelley, I remember posting on your thread when you lost your DB - I hope you're doing ok now.

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Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 19/03/2010 14:32

offer, not off.

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shelleylou · 19/03/2010 15:19

Thanks Om. I still struggle daily been in tears all of today as its 5 months since his death.
How are you today>?

DadInsteadofMum · 19/03/2010 17:09

Omicron I don't wish to belittle your offer, but offering to do something isn't enough. when it happened to me I didn't even know which way was up, let alone what help I needed.

The people that made a difference were not those that offered but those that did, pre-cooked meals that just needed heating, being told when the kids play dates were. and not forgetting the ironing fairies (no idea, piles of unironed clothes disappeared and neatly stacked ironed piles reappeared a couple of days later). Thanks to these people the kids normal life went on and we were all clothed and fed at an impossible time.

OrmRenewed · 19/03/2010 17:10

Oh god, how awful So very sorry.

waitingforbedtime · 19/03/2010 17:15

Im sorry I cant give advice but Im very sorry for your loss.

Original poster

OmicronPersei8 · 19/03/2010 17:25

Well DIOM they've already taken me up on the offer as they are coming round for dinner tonight. We don't live that near so it's hard to just pop round, I felt I was offering something concrete as the DS has only recently started a new nursery and DD is one of the only friends his age he sees, so the offer of company or a playdate is important to them.

I do get your point though that offers of help don't mean much without actions to back it up. I know you are speaking from your own experience and I appreciate that, but your post upset me a little bit, it felt that you'd made assumptions about me and that they weren't great ones either. These people are like family, we are linked in so many ways, this isn't a mum from playgroup or a neighbour or someone I met at antenatal classes. I know I'm going to be there for them. I did offer something specific - it's hard for me to just turn up as they don't live that close and I have my two DC to look after too, but I offered what I could. The bit that my mum, who will be the one filling the freezer with food, can't.

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