bereaved?

[2blessed2bstressed]

I don't know if this is the right place to ask, but then, where do I go? We "lost" my husband, my boys dad, in a car crash 6 years ago (that we were all involved in, so the kids know exactly what happened). But he didn't die - he suffered head injury that left him with catastrophic brain damage. Lives in nursing home now..we have regular contact, but his face is different, his body is different (in wheelchair) and he has virtually no language, and we don't know how much understanding or awareness. At the time the boys were 3 and 6 and seemed to adjust surprisingly well, but now I'm being asked questions I don't know how to answer and I'm seeing acting out and behaviour that upsets us all. Everywhere I turn I'm told that since he didn't actually die they can't help.

Goodness, I don't know! I am outside the UK so not much practical help, is there a charity for brain injury in the UK? (There must be, there is one in Ireland where I am!)I am sure someone will give you pointers as to where to find some support so am bumping this up for you.

Thank you for responding, I've tried Headway which is the main Brain Injury charity but they really were ...erm...chocolate teapot anyone?

sonds like you need someone who can talk to your dc's on there level.
what area do you live in?

I think Edwards Trust in Birmingham helps bereaved children - they may be worth a call?

It might be worth giving Parentline plus a ring,0808 800 2222,they might be able to advise of organisations that can help.

2shoes, thanks, am in North of Scotland...Edwards trust is for bereaved children...as is Crocus, I was told when I phoned them that I should be grateful because my dh hadn't died and didn't I understand that my children were not bereaved. I would beg to differ! Will try Parentline plus - never heard of them before, scuse my ignorance!

I've had dealings with a charity called roadpeace. They provide support to victims and bereaved families from road crashes. ive found them quite good. Helpline number is 0845 4500 355. roadpeace website

Thank you shelleylou - thank you all actually. I think my friends and other family kind of think that time has passed and we should be moving on now, but it seems to be geting more difficult.

It sounds like you need somewhere like this place in Bristol which does counselling and play therapy for children who have lost a parent or sibling, or who have someone with a life-threatening illness (I would have thought your DH's condition would count).

I haven't used them personally (DH died several years ago when we weren't living here, and DCs have refused all offers of counselling) but the father of a friend of my DS had life-threatening cancer a few years back (now in remission), and both his children have been on courses there, which were apparently very helpful.

Obviously, this one is the wrong end of the country for you, but it might be worth asking them if they have contacts with similar organisations in other parts of the country? Possibly also worth asking Winston's Wish for advice if you haven't already. Personally, I would say your DCs are effectively bereaved, if not technically so.

I would have thought maybe headway or the ehad injury site could signpost you onwards?

FWIW I thought the bereavement site were unprofessional ion what they said; I presume they ahd suffered loss but I do a lot with ASD kids and I wopuld enver say to someone with a lesser need that they should be grateful, why on easrt would I ? It would be appalling.

It's well known in Sn that people experiencing a diagnosis ore a traumatic injury pass through the bereavement process, so look it up and you will find regular stages. My Dh has become stuck at one level and that's not unusual: many people need counselling to pass throughy and your GP should be making apporiate referrals, for you and them.

Just a though- we see a clinical psychologise at a unit to talk about the whole disability thing, I would imagine that service would be wonerfully appropriate for you to visit and chat through ideas on how to handle this with the kids.

My own tip would to be honest, and allow your feelings to show because they need to see that is OK.

You sound lilke a sttrong family. Does your DH use a communication aid or anything? I am no expert on those but you might find some if you stop by the SN area.

Good luck. X

Oh we're near Bristol and the rainbow centre ahs good reports: maybe givce them a ring? My experience of the charity sector tells me they will know where to signpost you closer to home

Isn't it awful when you ask for help (which can be hard to do) and you aren't given any! While it may not be one agency's area, people go to conferences and read papers in the general field, surely they can refer you on to the appropriate place. Which, as often as not, seems to be mumsnet. I know it is a different concept to bereavement, but if people here can understand you'd hope the professionals would 'get it'! Maybe art therapy people would know too?

Hi

These people may be able to help

www.headway.org.uk/home.aspx

If you scroll down there is a branch / group locator

Thank you all again, have tried a couple of the people you suggested, and maybe things are looking up regarding getting some advice, yesterday was a particularly bad day, feeling more positive now

Glad things are looking up with getting some advice. I've jsut fort of another charity that deal with road crashes i haven't dealt with them much but they did send out a book for me to read to ds.