friend's terminally ill DP is going downhill fast, they have (very distressed) 4 year old DS - how to help?

[OmicronPersei8]

We have family friends with a DS the same age as my DD (4 years old). The mum is terminally ill (first diagnosed with cancer around the DS's 2nd birthday) - she is now in hospital not eating or drinking, and things don't look good. The dad is very distressed and is now very worried about their DS.

He's an older dad (in his 50s) and not always great at communicating. They've had a rocky relationship but he's really been there for her the past year or so. He really needs help with the the emotional side of things with his DS. I'd assumed that during the ongoing treatment for his DP they'd talked about how to support their DS through it all and had some advice, but now I'm not so sure.

I've just suggested Winston's wish today. To be honest, despite what I've said above I really have no idea what they've already been told or what they've done so far as when I've seen them we've never discussed it (although we have discussed her illness and treatment etc). I never wanted to push or seem interfering, we've just tried to be there for them with friendship, hugs, and playdates as needed.

I'd be really grateful if anyone who has sadly got any experience of this has any suggestions of how to help. Where else can he go for help? What else can he do, and what can we do as their friends?

I've only just had the phonecall to tell me that she's in hospital and it's all just so awful.

bump

Oh gosh. Not sure i can offer much in the way of advice but wanted to bump it again for you. Can you offer to help out with the ds? Get some shopping in? Cook some stuff for the freezer?

I was 4 when my mum died. I remember being told she had gone to heaven, but wasn't taken to the hospital to say good bye or anything. I don't remember any particular trauma about it (too young to understand?) , but I could have blocked it out I suppose. for them!

They don't live that near, I will suggest food. They don't let DS out of their sight at the moment, but I will let them know again that we can look after him anytime.

And I meant to say thank you for bumping - sorry to hear about our mum too.

This boys had so much upheaval (moved home 3 times already, only lived with parents together this past year) I get the feeling he's all over the place already as it is.

Im glad you have suggested Winstons Wish. They are excellent. I will say a prayer for your friend!!

We lost a friend when she was 39 to a brain tumour - she left behind a 5yr old DD and 3 yr old DS. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever been through and my heart goes out to you, your friend and her son.

Winston's Wish were a godsend to all of us - they helped talk to her dh and friends to explain death to her children. They talked esp to the DD about what would happen at the funeral, etc.

As for practical things - company, food, a listening ear, etc. All the usual things - my friend's dh was clueless when it came to looking after the children as the mum had been an SAHM and done everything, so we helped him to make lunches/teas, etc for the kids and also took them out when he needed a break.

Take your lead from him.

Oh, and let him talk, don't change the subject - that goes for dp and ds.

Should also add that you shouldn't try and hide your distress from DS - let him see that you are sad because it allows him to feel sad too.

I would sit and hold my friend's DS on my lap while he talked about his mummy and sometimes I'd shed a few tears and when he'd ask me why I was crying I would say it was because I missed his mummy very much.

Then, when he was ready, he'd want to go off and play and that was fine too.

Children's moods can be so difficult to follow after something so traumatic and WW helped me to understand this.

Thank you lottie and spongebob. I'm hope he does contact Winston's wish. My friend just seems so ill-equiped for handling this, but then who really is well-equiped for something so awful. Sorry to hear about your friend spongebob.

That really is useful to know, about being sad openly too.

Last time I saw them it all felt so final yet this is so much worse.

My friend's dh didn't handle it too well either tbh, but like you say who would. In my limited experience, children are remarkably resilient and he will probably handle it better than his dad in the long run. They don't, at that age, really understand the finality of death.

My friend was an atheist and didn't want her children told that she had gone to heaven, but someone must had said something to her DS about heaven cos he said to me one day that he wanted to go and live in heaven too so he could see his mum . I tried to explain that this wasn't possible (or desireable), but he soon lost interest and wanted to watch tv instead.

It's an immensely distressing thing to witness. Take care of yourself too.

You could always talk to WW yourself and ask them for some advice. The lady who came to see my friend's family was more than happy to spend time with us too as we were close family friends and she knew we would be offering a lot of support in the aftermath of my friend's death.

It's been nearly nine years now and it still makes me feel so sad - I have 2 DSs of my own now which adds to the poignancy of the loss.

Life can be so cruel.

I think I will contact them.

I've been reading the Winston's Wish website. It's heartbreaking. But I guess as with all things in life and death somehow you just keep going.

You do. My friend's kids are 13 and 11 now and absolutely lovely - they still talk about their mum a lot, but they get on with life and just accept that this is the way things are.

Her DS doesn't really remember her sadly, but we took lots of video at the time so he can see her on that, and the house is still full of photos of her, although her widower is now remarried.

Does this help at all?

leaflet about bereavement and children

Something very easy to pass on which he could read in his own time.

So sorry about this situation.

That's sad spongebrains. The longer my friend's hung on, the more I've hoped her DS will remember her.

I feel quite defeated now. It doesn't help that my DS is poorly and is still up due to all the sleeping he did earlier today, and grouchy/tearful too. I think I'll go to bed and leave DH to sort DS out. My parents are going visit the hospital tomorrow, I'll arrange to go on Saturday. I'm apprehensive of what's to come.

Thanks for the support. I have a feeling I may be coming back to MN for more quite soon.

Thanks domesticslattern, I'll pass that on when the time is right.

Wintons Wish do some great workbooks on dealing with grief that an adult can work through with a child, if her DH doesn't feel up to doing this maybe you could offer.

I imagine they will also being supported by a MacMillan nurse who are great at this sort of thing.

As others have said tears are OK, stiff upper lip in front of the kids makes them think they have to do the same which can put too big a strain on them.

Cards from others kids meant a lot to my DCs, maybe your DD could make one for the DS.

Thanks for that suggestion. It feels horrible making plans for when she's gone, I'm going to try to visit her tomorrow but things just look so bad. I'll try to find the right moment to have a chat with the dad about it, if it helps I'll offer to go through the workbooks. I think it would be good for him to do it, but if he can't...

When my Dad was in hospital (he was diagnosed with very advanced liver and pancreatic cancer and died within a week of the diagnosis so all very sudden) the palliative care team were wonderful.

They asked how old my children were and advised me on what to say to them about their Grandad, how to answer their questions etc.

Can you suggest that your friend talk to the palliative care team there and they can advise him and/or direct him towards local resources and help groups?

If there is a hospice involved they often have excellent family support teams too.

My DSs were 4 and 5 when DH died. I found honesty and openness were the best thing. I answered all their questions truthfully, from 'will Daddy die?' to what happens to his body afterwards. I let them see his body (he died at home) which some might be shocked about but I think it helped them to accept. They also came to the funeral and chose their own flowers to put on the coffin (single gerberas in their favourite colours). I think the truth, no matter how painful, is always the best approach otherwise they will probably imagine far worse.

Things that helped my boys immediately afterwards were creating memory boxes of things that reminded them of Daddy. I also took them to choose photo frames to go by their beds and they each chose a photo of Daddy to go in it. Small things, but it was important to give them some choices and let them make decisions. I think it helped to make them feel in control in a situation that was new and scary.

I've never hidden my grief from them. I will cry in front of them and tell them it's because I am missing Daddy. I also tell them all our friends and family miss him too. It helps to reassure them that their feelings are normal and okay.

With very young children, be prepared for the fact that they slip in and out of emotions. One minute, they can be sobbing their hearts out, the next minute they've wandered off to watch television. Their grief may not be as constant as an adult's but it is no less intense and should not be underestimated. I think many adults have a tendency to think that children do not experience grief in the same way as adults, probably because it hurts us to think that children can suffer that much. It's not fair to the child, though, to deny that their grief is real.

You sound like a great friend who will be a tremendous support. The most important thing you can do is to be there for a long time to come. When you lose a partner, everyone rallies round for the first few weeks then you're left to cope alone. I personally coped okay at first but hit a real low at about the six month mark. That's when I needed my friends (who were absolutely brilliant).

Thank you so much Norbert and MummyDoIt. SOrry for both your losses.

I'm feeling more confident about how I can support them as a family and what to suggest to the dad.

I've got a lovely photo of the two of us pregnant together, I'll print it out with a little bit about how excited we were and maybe a little bit about her birth experience and my first visit to see the DS as a baby. I thought it might be nice to have in his memory box? I'll do it / give it when the time is right - once they've got a memory box started and have both got used to it.

Choosing a flower for the funeral and a photo frame are both lovely ideas too. MummyDoIt you sounds like a fantastic mum.

and lots of photos of them now, perhaps? Just her DS with her and them as a family?

Since the diagnosis the dad has been taking hundreds of photos, video too. Everytime we see them he's snapping away. I think he's built up a great collection of family snaps for their DS. They've also had some lovely holidays etc. Lots of memory-building.