Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My friend has died, leaving 4 little kids

28 replies

SinginHinny · 04/03/2010 16:21

Please can anyone recommend any books I could get for the kids? They are 5, 3, 2 and 1. I am so utterley heartbroken and want to help them however I can. The 5 year old is coming over to my house at the weekend, I would love to help her in any way and her brother and sisters too.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 04/03/2010 16:22

How awful, sorry for your loss.

Hulababy · 04/03/2010 16:24

Oh, I am so sorry How awful.

What kind of books are you looking for?

Original poster
SinginHinny · 04/03/2010 16:25

Sorry if my OP was a bit abrupt there, I'm in a bit of a mess. What I'm after is books to help the kids deal with what's happened, books that can explain death in a gentle way. I feel unable to explain this properly to my DD2, who was best friends with the eldest child. I'm terified of explaining it badly.

OP posts:
lottiejenkins · 04/03/2010 16:29

I would contact these people or look on this site.
WINSTONS WISH

They are fantastic and helped my son when my late dh died.

lottiejenkins · 04/03/2010 16:31

This is the book that was recommended to me when my dh died. My ds was five then.
I MISS YOU A FIRST LOOK AT DEATH

mackerel · 04/03/2010 16:33

I don't think you can explain it badly. Just try and put it in its simplest terms and with truthful answers. I think that children will take from it what they can and what they need, and will come back with more questions over time if they want. It is such a terrible thing to happen. I'm so sorry. In my own experience i was very seriously and unexpectedly ill for a period of time a few years ago with 4 small children. A friend of mine had recently died leaving 2 children. My children were very affected by my illness and worried that the same would happen to me as my friend. They took some time to articulate those feelings and it exhibited itself in terms of not wanting to go to school and crying if I went out the house etc, and still they hate it if I'm unwell. I'm not sure a book would have many more answers. a psychologist friend of mine in child mental health always says she thinks that the best way is for parents to talk to their children and tell the truth in the simplest terms. I'm not sure I'm being very helpful. I'm sure you must be all over the place. It is such a tragedy and strikes fear in the heart of us all.

Original poster
SinginHinny · 04/03/2010 16:33

lottie thank you. I've had a peek at that site, I think the book you suggested looks perfect too. And I'm sorry for the loss of your dh. How are you and ds coping now?

I'm going awol for an hour or so (just so no-one thinks I'm ignoring them). Jab time for DD3

Thank you

OP posts:
FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 04/03/2010 16:38

I am so sorry for your loss.

Have you spoken to the child's father about talking to the child about what has happened and about getting a book? I think he needs to be aware of what you are doing.

lottiejenkins · 04/03/2010 16:43

When my DH died my ds was five (he's thirteen now) ds has special needs, he found his dad dead and shouted for me as he couldnt wake him up. Unknowingly we told him his Dad had gone to sleep which is absolutely THE WORST thing you can say ( as i found out to my cost) Two weeks after dh died my ds's carers took him to the beach and Roger the male carer said he was going to sleep. Ds went nuts and had to be calmed down.
Even now nearly nine years later we still have problems, if i am ill then ds doesnt like me staying in my dressing gown (he can remember his dad like that) "Mumma i dont want you to die like Daddy will you get dressed please!!"

Shiitake · 04/03/2010 16:45

Oh, that's awfully sad.

MummyDoIt · 04/03/2010 16:53

My two DSs loved this book. They were 4 and 5 when DH died. I second the advice that you should always be truthful with children. Mine have gone through periods of anxiety that something will happen to me. All I can do is reassure them that it's very, very rare for a Mummy or Daddy to die. I've always been very factual - I always use the word 'die' and I told them exactly what would happen to DH's body at the cremation. They attended the funeral and even saw his body briefly (he died at home). Some might be shocked by that but I have found it has helped their acceptance enormously and they have coped incredibly well.

peterpansmum · 04/03/2010 19:06

My DS2 died last march and left behind a 4.5 year old brother.... no matter what, waterbugs and dragonflies, sad isn't bad are all books that i have personally used and I can second the winston's wish recommendation.... I received extremely helpful, practical advice from their helpline and their website also talks about the 'puddle jumping' nature of the grief of children and has sheets you could print out. My local library was also very helpful. Again simplistic honest answers to the direct questions they will ask in my experience is a good way to go. Much love xx

Original poster
SinginHinny · 04/03/2010 19:39

Thank you all so much. I talked to her fiance again this afternoon, he's more than happy for me to get a couple of books for the kids. I know he's really struggling to explain, as anyone would.

peterpansmum, I am so very sorry. I just don't know how people cope in these situations.

Once again thank you all. I knew I would get some good answers here.

OP posts:
piratecat · 04/03/2010 19:46

i don't know any books. I just wanted to say how sorry i am, and i hope that you will lok after yourself too.

Filmbuffmum · 04/03/2010 19:49

I think the book by Michael Rosen about losing his son is very good (Sad Book)- probably most suitable for the oldest child, but would be a nice one to keep and look at in future years.
www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Rosens-Sad-Book-Rosen/dp/1406313165/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=12677320 68&sr=1-1

Original poster
SinginHinny · 04/03/2010 19:52

Oh filmbuffmum I saw an interview with Michael Rosen about that book - it looks so moving.

OP posts:
peterpansmum · 04/03/2010 20:39

Strangely enough I was given a copy of the Michael Rosen 'sad' book... It's a beautifully written book and in my view would be a lovely gift and definitely one he could keep for the future. Do you want to talk about what happened to your friend? My DS1 also saw what happened when his brother died, saw us trying to resussitate him and the commotion when the ambulance arrived. He also went to see him afterwards at the undertaker which was not a decision we took lightly but i do believe it has helped him cope and accept the situation. He (and many of his wee friends) also came to the funeral. In my experience you cannot be too honest with kids as their imagination can be far worse than any reality. Don't be afraid to let the kids see you cry. When they're sad all you can do is hug and hold them. Words will be meaningless to both them and your friend's fiance for some time. You sound like a lovely friend and I'm sure your friend would have been proud that you're able to try and help at such a difficult time xx

MissM · 04/03/2010 21:36

After my brother died I found a book in the library called something like Goodbye Mousie. It was about a little boy whose mouse dies and the conflicting feelings he feels and how he deals with them. My DD (aged 3 at the time) wanted me to read it again and again. I found it almost unbearable, but it is the most beautifully-written and simple gentle book. I expect all your friend's children would take something from it.

What a kind friend you are.

DadInsteadofMum · 05/03/2010 12:20

I can recommend this workbook for the kids. My DCs all went through the book over quite a few days and then put them in their memory boxes.

Sunflowersintherain · 08/03/2010 16:35

As already suggested Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine is great, Waterbugs and Dragonflies, No Matter What (years on, I can never read that without tears, it is so lovely), and When dinosaurs die. This last one is one of the most helpful books I got for my children when their sister died. It talks in cartoon form among other things about how you might feel when someone dies, what different people believe about death, which helps you from having to give the "right" answer. I have found that it's alright to say, "well, what I believe is," while admitting that I don't actually know. Children are much less frightened of death if adults allow them to ask questions. Having said that I think it's very hard for a parent to help their children grieve, because it is a double whammy of pain if you see what I mean. Having stories as a starting point is really helpful, and if they're on your lap as you read, they needn't see that you're crying. And if they have someone else they can talk to as well, like you, all the better. I hope you and your friend are ok. The children will manage, with support, love and the opportunity to talk. Poor little things, they are so young. xx

DrNortherner · 09/03/2010 18:28

SinginHinny this is such sad news. It might be a huge coincedence but I think I know the family you mean......it has to be the same.

I know her Father.

They are all in my thoughts.

ukrainianmum · 10/03/2010 14:17

I have read this topic..

I have same situation, my cousin died leaving 3 kids, youngest one was only one week old at that time
the main problem is two other girls 8 and 5 dont know their mum is gone..

they were never told in a confirmed way what have happened... and it has been 2 months since and i think the oldest one will realise if she didnt yet that mum has been ill for too long time.
what are the right words to tell when they will ask, and they will. I am going to see them this week, we leave not close to each other..
Please, any advice is welcome...

salvolatile · 12/03/2010 21:39

bumoing for you ukranianmum

salvolatile · 12/03/2010 21:39

bumping

ukrainianmum · 15/03/2010 09:34

thank you, Salvolatile...