children at funerals?

[jumble]

My Grandad has just died 10 days after his big, happy family celebration of his 90th birthday.
My DD's are nearly 6 and 4 and a half.
My Mum (Grandad's daughter) is keen to make the funeral a less sad occasion than my Nan's death after a long illness. He was ready to die and went very peacefully.
Do I take them to his funeral or not?
After seeing hearses etc, their understanding of a funeral so far is that it is a party to say goodbye to someone who has died.
They both think when people die they are free from pain and float around happily in the stars sliding down rainbows and sitting on 'heaven clouds' (sunrise/sunset)
My nearly 6 year old is emotionally mature for her age. Looking for experience of similar situations or gentle advice.
Fragile.

Kids just accept these things. I say yes, but I think I am in a minority.

It makes sense of life.

I'm really sorry about your Grandad. I'm afraid I don't know much about funerals either, but have been reading up and it seems children are normally welcome - it's more about whether they can cope or not, with seeing their 'strong' people crying or upset.
You might be better to take them to the wake, instead of the service, if someone can have them? That way they see everyone being cheerful but not all the crying.

i always say yes so long as they have one parent with them who can hold it together.

i assume that even if you are terribly upset and break down that your DH/DP will not be quite so visibly upset.. in which case i would take them.

Hello jumble sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

You will hear strong opinions on both sides.

I shall just tell you what we did when my grandfather died (i.e. great-grandfather to the children). He was v old and had been ill a long time, his death was not unexpected.

I asked my mum what she thought; she asked her mil (i.e. my grandmother) and grandmother was most insistent that she wanted all of the grandchildren round her incl on the day at the service. (if dh and I had felt strongly not to take them then this would have been ok to, but we wanted to respect her wishes)

It was a humanist ceremony followed by cremation. My dds were about 4 and 1 at the time. The celebrant at the beginning of the proceedings came up to me and said very kindly and firmly that it was grandmother's express wish that if the los were noisy they were not to be taken out as she wanted them to be a part of it.

I think it made it more bearable for grandmother having the dcs there. I am the oldest gc (by far) so lots of the other dgc were still fairly young (i.e. primary age/teens).

Sorry for your loss. As someone else said funerals and death is unfortunately part of life. I think it depends on the parents and whether they want to take the children.

My ds went to my db's funeral in october just over a week before his 3rd birthday. My parents were fine with children coming to the service and said the decision was mine to make. I decided to take my son as he should be able to say his own see ya later to his uncle whom he adored and adored him. He sat with my best mate who took it upon herself to look after him for the day. He didnt have a huge understanding of what was going on only that people were sad as they were saying goodbye to db.

Toddler is good with death because we've always been honest about Angel. My grandad died last year living over an hour away from home with no one to look after Toddler and Baby being too young to be left. We took them both to the funeral, Toddler was brilliant, sat quietly with my mum, best behaviour. My partner took both to the venue of the wake (via McD's I think ) during the cremation.

Thanks for your replies. I think we will take them. My Mum said it might be nice for others to see young people just starting out in life as a balance for coming to the end of a life. She is also keen to make the funeral a celebration of life and not an overly sad occasion, so it will be a good opportunity for them to understand the whole cycle.

Hi jumble sorry to hear about the death of your grandfather. It is a difficult decision as to whether you take your children or not.

I agree with those who have posted that it is worth considering taking them as this is part of normal life and so often we hide it from children.

However, your children may become upset by seeing others upset however they are before the service. This in itself is not a problem and may help with your grief or may not. It is so difficult to know.

Perhaps think how you would feel if they did not go? What is it that worries you about them going? Then think of how you will cope at the funeral if your children get upset or so on. If you run through some scenarios in your mind then you may be more prepared to help them when they are there. Sometimes by talking through what will happen with them it is not strange to them. It sounds like they have an understanding of what they think would happen.

Have you thought about telling what a funeral is(ie that happens and so forth) and asking them if they would like to go?

We have just gone through a similar discussion recently and our children are two and four. We did not take them (my husband went alone). However it is an aunt and not a grandparent.

I am sure you will come to the right decision for you and the family.

Toddler helped my grandmother actually, by saying you don't need to be sad, Grandpa is in Heaven looking after my Angel. Amazing that words from a 3 year old can mean so much to people.

Thanks everyone, jury's still out!
My mum's friend, who the girls are comfortable with, has offered to stay at my parents house with them during the service before we all come back there afterwards for the wake. Am now thinking this may be the way to go, as they will be involved (preparing table, looking out for people arriving etc), without witnessing adults raw grief at the crematorium. My Mum is also starting to stress about the cars and carseats and I think I will take my cue from her as it is her father and she is feeling the loss most keenly. I think them being there at the wake will make them feel involved enough without upsetting them unduly.

so sorry to hear of your loss.

I am a firm believer in children being allowed to go to funerals.

They need to see the process of death and the rituals around it. They need to see that adults get upset.

And most importantly they should be allowed to say their own goodbyes.

My DCs have been to half a dozen funerals (all sudden deaths of young people) and it has really helped them accept that this is what happens in life. And death.

Jumble so sorry for your loss.

My DD has been to funerals at 1 yr, 2.5 yrs and 4 yrs. DS at 1.5 yrs. They refer to them as "names going in a box party". They have seen grief and are very matter of fact about it. The people who had died were close to the DCs and wanted them there if they wanted to be there. If they are welcome why not explain what will happen and give them a choice. I think the circle of life explanation helps and it made me feel better knowing my DCs were the continuation of my grandparents.

I think you might have reached a sensible decision for your DCs as obviously you know them best of all. Hope it goes well and sorry for your loss. It sounds lovely that he had a family party just prior to his death.

Sorry for your loss Jumble.

I went to my Grandad's funeral when I was 6. Some people were very upset. I remember my Mum, Dad, Gran crying and Mum hugging me. Yellow roses on the coffin and peeking up as it disappeared. I am glad I went. I loved my Grandad, I wanted to be there. Decades later the memories are still very strong and special. I also saw Grandad dead to say goodbye and the memories bring painless tears to my eyes even now. No regrets at all.

Only you can judge how your children will respond tho.

I'm very sorry for your loss

I say yes, I took my dds, who were admittedly much younger, 3 and a baby, to their great grandmother's funeral and a lot of their cousins of around 6 and 4 were there. Some were upset (the ones who'd known the great granny well) most were fairly sanguine about it. I think it's good for children to understand people die and their families grieve them.

If you are most comfortable with them just attending the wake and have a babysitter then do that. Good luck

oh no! The more responses I get the more confused I am! DD1 (nearly 6) finally went to pieces tonight about missing him.
She wants to say goodbye and they have had lots of discussions between them about seeing his 'floppy bendy body with no spirit in'. I wonder if this is a partial response to Harry Potter and his bendy arm in whatever one of the films it was we watched last weekend.
Have told them they can make goodbye cards for him that I can take to the open coffin and put in with him to be turned into 'magic dust' at the crematorium. My Mum is touched by this and totally supportive.
I don't feel it's appropriate for them to see the body. We were all with him at the end and it's my first dead body experience and I'm 37. Don't think I would have wanted or needed to see any others previously.

Jumble I am sure the right decision for your family will slot into place at the right time.

Part of me thinks I shouldn't post, because you are in some turmoil, but I would encourage you to be open to the idea of your dd seeing your grandad - unless it would be hard for you. My memories of seeing my grandad's body are very positive and special, part of what makes me feel so strongly about involving children. Of course that it my experience, but it was a good one. However it is more an enhancing, affirming thing. Most children don't get so see the bodies of their relatives and they do OK too, so whatever decision will be fine. The cards idea and magic dust is lovely. Could they help scatter ashes later (if that is planned)?

Jumble jsut wanted to add re the car issue. We had one car for my parents db and i, my dp and my grandma. Ds's car seat went in a friends car and she took him from my parents to the crem then onto the pub for the wake. Is there someone who could do something similar for you?