Not really coping, sorry to ask for help

[Flightattendant]

I have posted under a different name, yesterday and a lovely woman called Quink helped me out. I'm posting this under my proper name because I want anyone who sees it to know it's me, not some weirdy troll, and I am fairly sure my friend has now stopped using MN as she is too poorly - though I may be wrong - so if it isn't too distasteful, maybe I might be allowed to ask for support from the people I count as my other friends, ie MN, as this is where I come for everything..it's truly the place I feel happiest and most comforted.

Basically my best friend for the last 15 years, has cancer. I don't know what to do, it was only diagnosed last summer...she was so well and it seemed so surreal. It's been highly aggressive since then and right now, things are looking extremely bad. I can't go and see her - that is I want to see her, very much, but am waiting for her family to say she wants me to, iyswim. I have offered several times so think they will give the signal at some point.

We spoke the other day, on the phone, and it brought home to me how terribly ill she is...me and her family were hoping she might be able to have a new treatment, but today I found out she isn't able to. It's looking really bleak and I am really not sure how to cope with it.

I just needed to write this all under my own name, I hope it makes sense...if I am a bit blethery lately you will understand why, and I hope forgive me. I don't have a great number of friends IRL and this one has been the best anyone could ask for - she has been there through everything and i am going to miss her so much.

No need to reply, I just wanted to write.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

So sorry to hear about what you are going through. I haven't been on here for the last couple of years so I don't 'know' you as such.

It sounds as though you are trying your best in difficult circumstances. Somehow you will have to try to be strong and focus on the positives and how you have made a difference to her life. Keep trying and talking to her by phone as it will make a difference.

Can't rad and not respond.

Am so sorry for what you are going through regards your friend.

FA - I am a little confused why you havent been to see your friend, does she not want you to visit her or is there another reason?

I dont think there is any right or wrong way to feel when something like this happens, it is a terrible tragedy for all concerned, it is like you go through a weird sort of grieving process while that person is still alive.

We lost a friend a couple of years ago to cancer and it was such a shock, she fought it, beat it and then it came back with a vengence and she was gone within 2 months. Dont want to compound your thoughts, just want to let you know that I do understand how you feel.

Feel free to contact me anytime - havent been on mn long as a poster, but have been reading for a long time. dont know if you have Private messages on here - but if you want to email me i will give you my email.

I do know it isnt very mumsnetty to send hugs - but i am.

Flight - so sorry that you are going through this. It must be so hard to come to terms with.

Perhaps, if writing is helpful, you could write a letter to her saying how much her friendship has meant to you and that you'll be delighted to visit whenever she gives the ok.

In totally different circumstances a very dear friend of mine wrote me a letter talking about our friendship when I moved overseas and it meant and means so much to me to have that ...

You know you have support here whenever you need it.

If you spoke to her on the phone, could you not have asked then about seeing her? All she would have to say is yes, and then you could sort things out with her family.

It sounds as though you are painfully shy about asking the family if/when you can come and visit. Are they being obstructive, or something? If they are being obstructive, it is clear: you should push in without feeling embarassment. If they are just overwhelmed, and can't ever give you an answer, then perhaps if you just be very specific and take any decisions out of their hands: plan it all out so there's no need for them to even think.

Even if they are being obstructive, they may be doing it because they fear your friend's attention will be diverted, and they won't get to see her as much as they want to, or want to be able to see her whenever they want, without having to take friends into account. This is sad for everyone, but is sort of understandable in people who are having a hard time coping and planning.

In the meantime, perhaps you could just write letters to her as well, letter after letter, so she always has them with her to keep her company, even in the middle of the night when there are no visitors. It really is comforting to have a friend "with" you in this way.

I hope you manage to sort some visits out soon.

Oh my goodness, FA, is your friend who I think she is?

You poor love. I agree with RedLentil, a letter is probably the best thing. My Mum's best friend has suffered with cancer for a while now and there were times where she could barely talk to her family and I think, didn't want people she loved to see her so ill.

Maybe just tell her family that you really want to see her. In their upset, they may have forgotten that her friends will be upset and grieving too. That way, if she's in any fit state to see anyone, even for a little while, they may be able to organise it.

Flight - I am so sorry.

I really think you should talk to your friend about visiting, not her family, while she is still well enough to make these decisions. Family (mostly) mean well, but their decisions aren't always what you would choose for yourself are they? See her, spend as much time with her as she wants you to - if it were me, you would be the person I would want to be there more than anyone. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves x

Biggest hugs to you both x

I had a similar situation six years ago. A very dear friend who I shared a house with for many years before we both married was diagnosed with cancer in her early 40's. I lived at the other end of the country and her husband (who I never really got on with)was very protective about who she should see in her final months-he naturally wanted to protect her and save what energy she had for himself and their young children and other close members of the family.

But felt I had to see her so I was very assertive with her husband and traveled to see her in hospital for just half an hour. I was shocked to see how ill she was but it was wonderful to see her and share what we had always done-tales of our families and children. We both knew it was for the last time. I also spoke to her once more on the phone a few days before she died-so hard.

This was my experience. Whilst your friend will want to spend most of her time left with her family -and they will do everything to 'protect' her- you should follow your heart if you want see her and say goodbye (even if you don't actually say it in words...) I never regretted seeing her. I still think about her nearly every day.

Flight - having read your other thread I now have a better understanding of the difficulty you face visiting her. In your situation I would speak to her on the phone and tell her that you would like to book into a B&B/Hotel near-by and come and see her. See how she feels - if she would like that, then I would email the family and tell them this is the arrangement you have made with her...

It would be really sad if you didn't get to see her because they want the timing to be 'just right'. As I said, they (probably) mean well, but it may not be what you friend actually wants (to have her friends be kept away).

Thankyou all and I am sorry some of you understand what this is like, it is so unbearable isn't it.

have been up for about an hour, can't stop crying...it just goes on and on. She hasn't gone yet and already am a complete state

Chip, yes, sorry, I am so sorry.

thehillsarealive, it's because we live about 200/300 miles apart - always have done, well apart from when we met. It's always been so intense and have spoken on the phone loads, written letters, emailed as we got older and got computers!

Right now I just want to hold onto her for as long as possible but she is so far away. I have been trying to plan staying somewhere like a B&B but don't want to barge in if she feels too uncomfortable to have visitors. We met up last autumn, in London when she had a hospital appt and she looked quite well - I'd been offering to visit her for months before that, but she had been having surgery and so on and kept saying I could come when she felt better.
I really think she hates to be seen looking poorly, iykwim? She probably tried really hard to get herself together to meet up...that's why I don't want to push it, but yes i will mention that I really want to see her if she will let me, and be on standby to go immediately if she asks for me.

I did write her a long letter last week and sent it with a note saying don't read it till you feel better, or strong enough, as I got carried away! But she apparently read it and cried a lot and I hope that was in a good way.

Wingedvictory - no, definitely not obstructive, they are a wonderful loving family and I am so glad she has them around her. When we spoke, it was literally under a minute, her throat is being pressed on by the cancer and she was almost unable to get any words out. All I said was that I love her and hope she is feeling better soon, and to let me know if she wants me to do anything for her...crap, I know, but was not expecting to speak to her at all and was taken aback by how poorly she sounded.

Have got a long day with playdate after school and health visitor this am, doing 2 1/2 year check a bit late! So need to drag myself together and get on with it really.

It has really helped me reading your posts,

thankyou all so much x

Oh, God. What horribly physical suffering.

It's very good to hear that her family are not being obstructive and horrible. I imagine that would be even harder for you to bear.

Have a good day.

flight I am so sorry xx

Flight - I am not in the UK at the moment, so I'm around here at odd times, I'll keep checking in.

I wish there was something I could say that would make this better for you, but there really isn't

Thankyou all very much just for being around, it really really does help to have shared this, and I'll let you know how she gets on if I may.

I have started a thread about naughty playmobil rabbits instead, which is supposed to distract!

xx

Flight, you mentioned that you are in a state before your friend is gone, but another way to look at is that because of the way things are unfolding your grieving has already started and that when she goes your grief will just enter another phase.

Be kind to yourself.

Thanks Red, I hope it makes it less of a huge tidal wave when it happens, iyswim.

It's gonna be a strange feeling, no doubt.