Friend has just been told she has to terminate her twins - how best to support/help?

[BettyButterknife]

A friend had her 20 week scan, which picked up a problem with one of the twins - she's been told this could be fatal to both babies. She has decided to terminate the pregnancy.

We are not close friends but have a shared hobby that means we meet twice a month (at least), have many mutual friends, and often see each other in the street.

My pregnancy is 2 days behind hers and I cannot stop thinking about her and about how scared and devastated she must feel.

Anyway, can anyone offer practical ways to support her and her family or help her? I want to send her a card to say that I am thinking of her, and I know there isn't anything anyone can do to make it better, but is there anything that would make a difference? I just want her to feel she is loved and supported.

Thanks

This is so sad
I don't have any great advice but a card is a good start and let her know you care. Please pick up the phone to her if you can. (don't wait for her to make the first move, too hard for the grieving person to do). Perhaps make a meal for her and hand it over?

How awful.

I think you need to be prepared for some anger and resentment from her. She may not want to see you any more. Can you find it in yourself to accept her feelings and not be hurt by them?

My sister lost her daughter late on in the pregnancy, so while I havent been through this I can emphasise how you must be feeling - helpless, sad, lost?

All I can say is drop a card/letter offering unwaivering support - but please do be aware that PrettyCandles is right, you may be the last person she wants to see. Its so hard to be happy for other people when you are suffering as she is, and it might just be too much for her.

As long as she knows you care, and that you are there if she needs you that really is enough at this point.

xx

I had to do the same at 20 weeks, many years ago. I found help from the charity now called ARC was invaluable - they put me in touch with someone who had been through it at the same stage of pregnancy with a similar syndrome. I later did the same for another woman which was strangely therapeutic.

I did find it difficult to be around pregnant strangers, but not friends, if that makes sense. My closest friend was also pregnant and stayed with me for part of the labour.

I would write to your friend and let her know you're thinking of her. I remember it being very difficult when people (particularly my mother) pretended nothing was happening. Sometimes I wanted to talk, other times not, just take your lead from her.

On the practical side, if she already has children you could offer to help with them as she will go through the normal post-birth feelings (I remember being very upset about the milk as no one had warned me). Other than that, you could offer a few meals/cakes.

x

That is really sad

I would take some food around (easy things to eat, chopped up fruit, small sandwiches, soup - things they can just have a bit of) and tell her how sorry you are, that you understand that you might be difficult for her to be around right now, but that you want to do what you can to help, so to call if there is anything she needs (try not to use the word want as there will be only one thing she wants!!).

Give her a hug, stay a short while - let her know you are there for her, but also ler her know that you understand that you may not be the person she needs right now.

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I put a card through her door today, and will have a think about what to do next.

She has many other friends closer than me, so I will leave the hugging etc to them, but I do feel there's more I can do.

I am prepared for her to be angry or upset around me - it's ironic that because of our similar due dates I feel so devastated for her, but that I might be the last person she'd want to see.