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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My sad sad heart

12 replies

MammyG · 18/02/2010 23:33

On 1/2/10 I posted here that my Dad was dying. We were told he had 6 months left at best. My poor lovely dote of a father slipped away on monday morning. He was buried today. I am heart broken. What will the world be like without him? im trying to explain to my son (nearly 4) why he will not see his grandad again and he is finding it so difficult. My other son is too young. My teenage brother lives with us too and now I have to help him come to terms with this. What am I going to do? How do I help him when I dont know what to do myself? I am 10 weeks pregnant and due on my fathers birhtday (thankfully he knew!) And now I am so afraid for this baby. I have been so ill thru january and so stressed and rundown these past two weeks Im so afraid for this pregnacy and just couldnt bear another loss. Most of all Im just left reeling - has this week really happened? He just started fading and died with only 1 day in bed. Im haunted by the images of my lovely big bear of a dad and how frustrated and weak he was at the end. I know his passing was the best possible way for him, minimum pain and so peaceful with his family around loving him. It was on his terms. but now we are alone! How do I help my mom thru this? Will i stop falling apart the minute im on my own? How does a heart absorb this pain? sorry for rambling just so lost

OP posts:

SpeedyGonzalez · 18/02/2010 23:35

Oh, MammyG

This is such a delicate time. It's incredibly early days. Don't worry about the future, just be kind and gentle to yourself, and take each day one at a time.

whyme2 · 18/02/2010 23:38

So sorry to read this. Please look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 19/02/2010 00:24

Oh you poor darling. I do feel for you, your love for your dear dad just shines through your post.

One hour at a time, luv, just make sure you eat and drink, look after yourself and look after the baby inside you.

It's the most devastating time, hang on to the fact that your dad knew he was much much loved - he was a lucky man.

mumofmylot · 19/02/2010 00:29

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
Please try to take care of yourself as much as you can.

I know a little of your pain, I lost my lovely Dad three weeks to the day after my DC2 was born.

Thinking of you.

cathcat · 19/02/2010 00:42

I'm so sorry.
Please try to look after yourself and know that your dad would want that too.
My mum is in the same position and has been remarkably resilient. Just take it one day at a time.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 19/02/2010 09:07

How are you today MammyG?

Lemonylemon · 19/02/2010 14:18

MammyG don't worry too much about the baby. It's a wonder that they get through it, and so many of them do. Are you due a scan in the next couple of weeks or so? This may put your mind at rest.

I was 25 weeks pg when my OH had a major stroke. One day I couldn't feel the baby moving and went to the maternity unit and got them to have a listen. She was just being quiet.

I was stressed, exhausted, distressed, bereaved and not knowing where to put myself for the rest of my pregnancy as my OH died when I was 26 weeks pg. I had our baby daughter at 37+1. She was a little dot of a thing at 5.5lb but what a fighter!

Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself over the next few months. The shock will fade a little over time - and that's all you can give it - time.

Hope this helps.....

SpeedyGonzalez · 19/02/2010 15:06

I should add that my dad died when I was 10 weeks preg with DS 1 (also on my wedding anniversary, so a double-whammy). Despite this, DS was born 2 weeks late, and has always been beautifully cheerful and a joy to have around. So don't worry. In a couple of months you could think about ways that you can practise developing peace of mind - through meditation, perhaps? This is mainly for your benefit, because you've had such a stressful time and will need to look after your inner self. But it will also benefit your baby and help you to get through the pregnancy and everything else you need to do.

mamaduckbone · 19/02/2010 15:26

So sorry for your loss.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will cope and it will get easier. Don't expect anything of yourself for now. It is so early and you are reeling with the shock and grief of it.

Your baby when he or she arrives will be a blessing and give you all something positive to focus on.

My ds2 was born just over a year after my darling dad died and he has given us all so much joy, especially my mum. He has inherited his grandad's calm temperament and has his name as a middle name, so although they never met a little part of dad is in him. This thought may help you in dark times - your dad is a part of your new baby.

whitecloud · 20/02/2010 17:42

MammyG - so sorry to hear your sad news. It is so cruel when you thought that your Dad would have longer. The shock is awful - my Dad had a brain haemorrhage and didn't know us. One minute he was slightly ill and the next gone. Am so glad others are able to comfort you about your pregnancy. You will be feeling dreadful and it is not your fault, you aren't superhuman and just have to nurture the baby as best you can. It does get easier as time goes on and the pain is less sharp. Just do what you can for your Mum and hold each other up. Thinking of you.

Original poster

MammyG · 21/02/2010 23:21

Thank you all so much. Just beginning to feel the exhaustion now. Had to go to another family funeral 3 hours away on fri and saturday. Thankfully I have a scan on tue so just holding on til then. I think I will be wreck on tue evening as all the worry etc will just pour out then. It is helpful to hear from others who have gone through this or similar. I have always found strength in other womens courageous stories so thank you for sharing with me. Im not much good at slowing down - and like most mothers out there, putting my needs first is a new experience. Will take a while to catch up with myself I think. My eldest is only 3 and he is struggling with the whole thing and has missed me terribly too. He is a little worrier and loved his grandad a lot.
These early stages are so raw and at times I just feel like I have been punched.

OP posts:

seb1 · 22/02/2010 14:47

Mammy G, I lost my Mum 4 weeks ago, and in my heart I know it was probably better for her, but it doesn't help how you feel. I can't believe how tried I feel, also the thought of having to empty and sell the family home of over 40 years is frightening. I suppose we just have to get up and get on with it, I know my mum would expect it off me, So I guess you just keep going for them. I lost my Dad a while back so I do know time will help ease things and to be honest. my Mum picked herself up after Dad died and lived her life so I suppose she showed me what I must do. HTH.

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