Funerals

[VictorHugo]

Hope someone can share some thoughts, I have posted recently about the serious illness of a good friend, and am worried about going to his funeral when it comes to it.

I know some of his family and they are lovely people, but i am scared on three counts:
first, that I will be intruding, and will say or do the wrong thing.
Second, that I might be asked to speak about him and I am going to be so terrified I will probably pass out - i don't really 'do' public speaking. Selfish, I know, but I will be a mess.
third...it has occurred to me that when I go, it will be the first time I have been to his home, yet he will not be there. It is a long way away and I won't know anyone very well, and the pain of him not being there is going to be enormous.
I'm scared I won't cope with it.

I hope all this doesn't sound utterly crap, I know it isn't about me, but I could do with something of a kick up the backside in terms of how I ought to go, and that it is the right thing to do etc etc. Because I'm not sure if it is.
We were friends for a long time but never lived near to each other. But we were quite close.
It all feels so terrible and shocking...I am already a bit of a mess if I'm honest. But I want to do what is right.

You won't be intruding you were his friend, if you don't feel you could speak at it, just say you wouldn't feel able to.

Sorry you are going through this.

I am so sorry about your friend

You will not be intruding by attending the funeral, at all.

If you don't want to speak at the service then no one will be offended. You may want to think about penning a short eulogy and the vicar or minister may read it out for you, as an alternative. Be led by the family.

Thanks Coco will that be alright to not speak? I know I will just be sobbing.

but everyone else will be too and they will speak I'm sure, anyway...is this something I need to step up to? I would want to if he were there but he won't be, that prob sounds stupid. I hardly know his family.

It's slowly dawning on me how awful the whole thing is going to be. I've only been to a few funerals and they have been for people I loved, but wasn't that close to...or if I was, it was like a boyfriend's parent or something, so had boyfriend there.

thanks Boys. I think I am just feeling scared of going on my own really. It's going to be hellish.

You don't need to 'step up', nobody will expect you to. Worrying about it will just make it harder for you.

I know everyone will be grieving but some people are just most, umm I can't think of a good word, not unemotional but maybe more contained? I'm a gibbering wreck at funerals, beause I cry so easily whereas my mum rarely sheds a tear in public.

I haven't explained that very well, sorry.

No I know what you mean, maybe some people find it cathartic to say something. I know I won't.
I so wsh I had someone to go with, it would make it a hundred million times easier. He was there through so much, and I don't know how I'm going to fill the gap.

Do you not have a friend to support you, even if they didn't know him?

No...I can either take the children, or leave them with my mother, as it is a long train journey, but there is nobody who would go.
Actually there might be another of her friends there that I sort of know, but I won't be able to lean on her iyswim, we're not that close.

his friends sorry

Sorry

The fact that you turn up at all will be appreciated by his family. If they ask you to speak you can politely decline without causing offence, I'm sure.

Go easy on the funereal booze and I'm sure you won't say anything you'll regret.

This is all from personal experience from my brothers funeral.

You want be intruding now matter how well you know his family. We didnt know some of my brothers friends but they were more than welcome to his funeral.
Nobody was asked to do a eulogy at his funeral although myself and db told my parents we were going to do it. DB wrote something which the vicar read for him. I read mine myself through many tears, vicar went to take over but i wouldn't let him. I had to do it for my db myself. We did ask 2 of his closest friends to be pall bearers and they were touched to be asked but knew they could decline if they didnt feel up to it.
As elasticwoman said easy of the booze and you should be fine.

As i said this is all from a personal prospective HTH

IME you won't be intruding. In fact, I wasn't even aware of most people at my mother's funeral. It was nice to see a big room full of people though.

No one will oblige you to say a eulogy. I don't think anyone would ask you to get up in front of strangers anyway. Maybe ther is some reason they might that I don't know about. You would be perfectly fine to say no.

If you did decide to speak, you might find it different from your expectations. DH was all primed to read the words I wrote about mum. I didn't think I'd beable to stop crying. In the end I wanted to do it myself and did without tears. It's a solemn kind of occasion and has it's own logic. Tears don't always come there and then.