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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

my partner's parents

11 replies

bathbuns · 12/02/2010 13:09

hi everyone, I am new here, but have been lurking for about 6 months.

My partner lost his beloved father 6 months ago and was heartbroken. His mother was really struggling to cope and developed breathing problems last week. I just learnt that she died today on the operating table.

I know that he is absolutely heartbroken. We were talking about this possibility last night and he indicated that if she died he would not be able to cope, so I am very worried that he is going to try and take his own life. It is an ldr so we can only talk via webcam (although I have offered to fly out there, and am waiting for his response on that) so I cannot put my arms round him and keep him safe from hurting himself in the way I would like to.

I know that thinking of suicide is very common when you lose someone, and hopefully with my support he will not do any more than think about it, but I am just so worried. I am telling him constantly that I am there for him and will do anything for him, and he knows he can talk to me, but was wondering if anyone here who has experience with bereavement can tell me if there is anything else I can do. I would just be devastated to lose him.

Thank you so much in advance.

OP posts:

Iklboo · 12/02/2010 13:15

Sorry I've no experience but just wanted you to know someone's listening to you

cocolepew · 12/02/2010 13:17

Has he every tried to take his own life before? Do you think it likely he will?

Is there someone near him you could get in touch with to check on him.

Sorry you are going through this, how worrying.

alypaly · 12/02/2010 13:19

sorry to here about DP mum. What is and ldr?

PavlovtheCat · 12/02/2010 13:21

ldr = long distance relationship?

I am so sorry for your DPs loss. If there is any way you could fly there, you should. He will need your arms around him.

Original poster

bathbuns · 12/02/2010 13:51

Thank you so much everyone

coco no he has never tried anything like that before, but part of the problem is that he has had a pretty great life up to now, with nothing major to deal with so has been totally taken aback by the strength of his grief and has no experience in dealing with anything like this. It is just so new to him, whilst I think if it happened to me, don't get me wrong I'd be beyond devastated but I'd know I could get through it because I've been through so much else. I might not know how but I'd know I could. He doesn't have that feeling.

pavlov you are right. I really do need to fly there. we are going to skype tonight, because I don't want to book flights if he doesn't want me there quite yet.

OP posts:

cocolepew · 13/02/2010 08:55

How are things?

Original poster

bathbuns · 13/02/2010 19:08

thank you for asking coco.

I'm ok, but I didn't speak to DP last night as his house was full of relatives (they're muslim). I am still worrying a lot and can't wait to talk to him but I'm sending regular texts saying I'm thinking of him and the next time I talk to him we will discuss me going there.

I hope I can talk to him soon because it would put my mind at ease a little. I got one text saying 'thanks for everything' and I didn't know if that was a general thank you or whether he meant it as a final thank you because he was sitting there contemplating suicide, but I'm guessing it was the former.

I'm hoping at the very least that his families religion will stop him doing anything (he is a muslim only in name really)

OP posts:

cocolepew · 14/02/2010 18:49

It's good he had a lot of people around him, he woldn't feel too alone and he'd see that everyone grieves. Best wishes.

Original poster

bathbuns · 15/02/2010 12:45

Thank you and yes. I spoke to him today and having people around (and lots of children) is helping him. He seems to be coping. He has reassured me that nothing is going to happen to him and that he is finding this very hard, but he is coping.

And I should be seeing him soon, not immediately because he says he wants to wait until all his relatives disperse and we can have some time to ourselves, but soon.

I can't wait. I want to hold him so much!

OP posts:

cocolepew · 15/02/2010 15:37

That's good to hear, I'm sure you're relieved .

whitecloud · 20/02/2010 17:54

bathbuns - am so sorry for what you are going through. From my own experience of losing both parents within a year of each other and having to contend with the illness of my mother after my father died, your partner will be feeling very traumatised. It hit me very hard but I waded through it somehow. It is so shocking to lose both so near to each other, especially as they were a close family. I know I felt like dying but did not have courage and wanted to live for dh and dd. Am glad he is surrounded by people who feel the same - my brothers don't live near so did not have that.

You feel as if you can't cope, but somehow you do and the people you love help you get through the overwhelming grief, shock and pain. Hope that he is coping. Just do all that you can. Hope this helps

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