Just over 9 years ago, my mum was killed in a car accident. There was a coroner's inquest a few months later, which none of our immediate family, including my dad, felt able to attend because we didn't feel able to face the details of exactly how she had died / what her injuries were. My DH bravely stepped into the breach and attended the inquest on my family's behalf. I have always felt this was a really selfless act of kindness and my whole family owe him a debt of gratitude.
Over the years, our family has begun to move on and, to the extent that one can, heal. My dad has happily remarried, and the grandchildren have started to arrive. We all miss mum a great deal, but we have learned to live with our grief and our lives inevitably continue.
So fast forward to a couple of days ago. After reading a thread on MN about a fatal accident, I brought the subject up with DH about what he had done for us by going to the inquest. To my surprise, he burst into tears. He explained to me that he has all this stuff in his head all these years that he knows about My mum's accident and has never been able to tell anyone, and even my dad doesn't want to know. I held him and said I was sorry and that maybe he could tell me one day. He said "Only when you're ready."
So the thing is, do I want to know? I want to relieve my DH of his burden, but if I hear all that stuff now, it will be completely fresh information to me and I might be back to square one of grieving.
Here is what I do know: mum and dad were visiting friends that day and mum was driving them home. It was dark. Their car was turning right at a t-junction from a minor road onto a major road and pulled out into the path of an oncoming vehicle. The other car wasn't speeding, and did have headlights on. The accident seems to have been caused by an error of judgement on my mum's part. My mum had to be cut from the wreckage and was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. My dad remembers nothing of that whole day. He made a full recovery from his injuries.
Do I really want to know any more than that? I'm really frightened of what DH might tell me if I ask him. But I don't want him to suffer alone with whatever it is he knows.
Any advice welcome.