I am alone in dealing with my daughter's death

[NinaJane]

Hi, I have posted this thread in one or 2 other places on mumsnet and some very lovely people have directed me here - a big thanks to them

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My baby daughter died 12 years ago from Bacterial Meningitis. After such a long time, I have reached a point where I can think about her, without feeling like I have physically been kicked in the stomach.

At the time of her death, everyone was obviously very supportive, but like most things in life, they have moved on - even my husband has.

No one even remembered or acknowledged the 1st anniversary of her death - not my own parents, siblings, friends or my husband.

I have to endure all her 'birthdays' and anniversaries of her death, alone. I am feeling resentful, because to them, it is almost as if she never existed - they don't talk about her at all (I realise that they probably want to spare me the pain), but I want to and need to talk about her. She was my first child (I've had 3 more children since) and I will NEVER get over what happened to her.

When I do remind someone that it is her birthday or the anniversary of her death, the most I get is a sympathetic look and I get the sense that they think 'oh my word, she died 10, 11, 12 years ago, shouldn't you have moved on by now?!'

On the occasions that I have tried to speak to my husband about her, he has told me to please not raise the subject, as it is too painful for him to deal with - he says that he has hidden that sadness far away in the corners of his mind - he acknowledges that it is unhealthy and that he should deal with his grief and that it might all come crashing back one day, but he is not ready for it yet - I respect his wish, but where does that leave me?

I have been to see a psychologist, but personally, I would much rather speak to someone who knew my daughter.

Has anyone had a similar response from their loved ones, if so, how did you deal with it?

Thank you.

Oh God,
I can't begin to imagine. You poor, poor thing. I hope you will find some solace and help among those on MN who have lost a child.

I am so so sorry you have been, and are going through, this.

Prayers for your daughter xx

nina,

am so sorry for your loss.

I have not lost a child but I have a friend who lost her baby son and I know she still likes to talk about him. He would be 18 this year!

What is your lost dd's name? How old was she when she died?

There is a wonderful friendly longstanding thread on here where the girls all talk about their lost little ones. Will try to do a link.

you've already found it...great!

wishing you all the best.

If people would acknowledge anniversaries, and the fact that parents think of their missing children every year (and every day), there would be fewer of these terribly sad and lonely threads! It is so sad that people don't realise how hard it is, every new year that rolls around without someone. I'm convinced that some people want to "get over" grief so desperately that they are willing to do anything to forget. I'm also convinced that's not right, as how can you blot out a person's life? I suppose it's too late to go back in time and say this from the beginning, but maybe you could choose a couple of people who knew your DD and tell them that you can't stop thinking about her, and that it's not going to stop, so can you please talk to them? I do hope you find a confidant(e)!

What was her name? How old was she?

I am almost 1 year down the line. My baby daughter died from infection last year on the 19th April. Her anniversary is dawning on me very heavily and I spent today in tears as I miss her so much. Family tried hard to comfort me but I get the feeling that my parents think I should have moved on from the tears by now. I really don't like being around people when I am down as I can't be myself. I often wonder how I will feel about her death 10, 20, 30 years down the line but I know the pain won't go away. Not many family members visit my daughter's grave and I find that really upsetting. I really don't expect anything from anyone - my husband said to me that nobody else on the earth will have the feelings we have for her and so no point expecting anything from anyone.

Hiya sh77 - was on my way to bed and saw your post. I do understand where you are as monday was the first anniversary of my ds2's death. He died very suddenly and unexpectedly from an overwhelming virus aged 2. Although I am loved by many friends and family that has not helped me over the last few weeks as i have felt so very very lonely. Have you popped into the bereaved parents thread within bereavement? I've found a very supportive bunch of amazing people there who are at various places along the difficult path along which you and I are currently walking. The raw grief i have felt and continue to feel this week is completely overwhelming at the moment but totally normal. Just wanted you to know I'd seen your post and send you a big Hug xx

Peterpansmum - Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry for your son's loss. I had my baby for one day. Losing a child after 2 years is unbearable.

I find that my grief comes in overwhelming waves. It just hits me. I have been feeling quiet for a few days but I just couldn't stop crying yesterday. I do feel bad for my parents when they have to witness this but I feel irritated when they ask me what's wrong. I thought it would be obvious.

My sister is getting married in 2 weeks and I can't tell you how much I am dreading people asking me if I have kids yet or people who know about my daughter's death, condoling me one year on at the wedding. I know I am going to lose my temper.

On the day of her anniversary, I have my PhD exam. Bad timing hey? If I am like this now a month before, I just don't know how I will get through that day.

Do you mind me asking how you commemorated your son's anniversary? I just don't know what I should be doing.

Oh bless you all.

This is so incredibly sad and I cannot imagine how you are feeling.

I have no advice but wanted to just wish you all the best and to say huge symnpathies.

My best friends son died two years ago aged 20 whilst on a uni gap year and he fell off a roof after a party. He was my older sons school chum when at primary school.
She is still grieving and finds her husband lack of support very upsetting (its not his son, but his Step son) . She is so stoic and strong but needs support, so we text or chat everyday. I hope you will find solace from somewhere . Men seem to bury things in order to deal with them... I am not sure thats healthy as its all bottled up inside. I hope he can share his grief with you so you can move forward together with fond memories. hugs hugs. xxxxx

Sh77 - we've done/planned a couple of things in memory of gregor. On mother's day (the day before his anniversary) we went out to a sealife centre as a family (ds1 is 5.5). We have a charity walk planned as a memorial to him next saturday to raise funds for the scottish cot death trust. We're planning to give friends/families who come along to the walk some sunflower seeds to plant in gregor's memory. On the day itself i was a mess so in some respects having something to focus on that day maybe is no bad thing.

It also amazes me when some people ask me 'what's wrong' when it's oh so clear what's wrong. and just because some folks are family in my experience doesn't make them able to cope with your grief any better than anyone else.

re your sister's wedding could you preempt some of the 'condoling' by getting a close friend to pass the word around that it's your sisters day and you would rather not discuss it - would that help? Otherwise you could do what i did during most of nov/dec/jan at social occasions and dissolve yourself in some alcohol - maybe not a useful recommendation but has at times worked for me!!

And it's perfectly natural to be feeling as you are with a month to go... as soon as i changed the callendar to february it just started to feel that march was too close iykwim?!

If I knew how to link to the child bereavement thread I would - come join us, we're a lovely bunch who in one way or another will help keep each other sane whilst enduring whatever life throws at us xx

sh77 my 14 month old DD died on April 12th last year, I know exactly how you feel. I'm dreading the first anniversary of her death. The lovely girls on the bereaved mummies thread have held my hand for the past 11 months, everyone there has experienced it and whatever you feel or think is OK to feel and think.. feel very welcome to join us on this thread xxx