I am alone in dealing with my daughter's death

[NinaJane]

My baby daughter died 12 years ago from Bacterial Meningitis. After such a long time, I have reached a point where I can think about her, without feeling like I have physically been kicked in the stomach.

At the time of her death, everyone was obviously very supportive, but like most things in life, they have moved on - even my husband has.

No one even remembered or acknowledged the 1st anniversary of her death - not my own parents, siblings, friends or my husband.

I have to endure all her 'birthdays' and anniversaries of her death, alone. I am feeling resentful, because to them, it is almost as if she never existed - they don't talk about her at all (I realise that they probably want to spare me the pain), but I want to and need to talk about her. She was my first child (I've had 3 more children since) and I will NEVER get over what happened to her.

When I do remind someone that it is her birthday or the anniversary of her death, the most I get is a sympathetic look and I get the sense that they think 'oh my word, she died 10, 11, 12 years ago, shouldn't you have moved on by now?!'

On the occasions that I have tried to speak to my husband about her, he has told me to please not raise the subject, as it is too painful for him to deal with - he says that he has hidden that sadness far away in the corners of his mind - he acknowledges that it is unhealthy and that he should deal with his grief and that it might all come crashing back one day, but he is not ready for it yet - I respect his wish, but where does that leave me?

I have been to see a psychologist, but personally, I would much rather speak to someone who knew my daughter.

Has anyone had a similar response from their loved ones, if so, how did you deal with it?

Thank you.

I haven't experienced the loss of a child, but I am so sorry that you daughter died and that those around you are not remembering her with you.

There is a bereaved parents thread in the bereavement topic where people have gone through loss and are supporting each other.

I'm so sorry about your baby girl.
I have no personal experience of this but I didn't want you going unanswered xx

I hope someone comes along with advice for you soon so I am bumping the thread for you xx

Hi curlyredhead - thank you for your kind words and for pointing me in the right direction

Thank you PandaEis

ninajane , I am so sorry to hear about your daughter . I lost my son in 2001 so I do know some of what you are going through . It must be so painful for you that nobody mentions her or talks about her with you .
I have found that people generally wouldn't talk to me about my son unless I brought the subject up first which has made me upset in the past but now I do kind of "get " it . Especially if your husband is so closed on the subject maybe friends and family have taken their cues from him and think that maybe you deal with it in the same way .

Do you have a close friend that you could confide in about how you are feeling ? I always found (mostly anyway ) that once I started talking about my son then others would join in . Older grief is such a hard thing and I know that I have felt sometimes that I was back in those early days of being surrounded by people all happy to talk to me and that in the beginning I was somehow "allowed" to be a mess and as the years go on I am in some way " back to normal" (whatever the hell that is )

There is a lovely thread on here for bereaved mums and we will all gladly listen and be there , please come and talk to us there .

Agree - try some of the bereaved parents threads.

So sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter. I hope you can find some support here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/838414-Dear-family-and-friends

This is something I wrote a while ago and as much as it won't help you maybe you can see some of your same feelings in there .

Please come and join us

Some of my relatives and friends do exactly the same thing. I lost my twin baby son and then ten years later my DS3 was knocked down and killed. Some people are happy to talk about the boys and some avoid any conversation whatsoever.

Come to our special thread - the most loyal and loving place to be where nobody judges and where we prop each other up xxxx

Thank you all for your kind words - I never knew that the kindness of strangers could touch me so deeply - thank you for the invitations to join you - I will most definitely do so.

Ninajane I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, was she called NinaJane?

I lost my firstborn son in 2002, and to some extent did experience people not wanting to talk about it. I have to say a lot of the time I just thought "tough!" and talked about him anyway, as I thought if it is "hard" for them how hard do they think my life is? I don't have a solution, people are just generally uncomfortable and also somewhat bizarrely mistakenly think they will make you feel worse. I think you should mention her if you want/need to, it might mean learning to ignore those looks though, that you think are saying "are you STILL going on about this". I am pg at the moment and find some people don't really want to include my ds1 wrt pregnancy experiences, to me how could I not?

I hope you are able to get through to your husband that you need to be able to talk to him, as he was one of the few to have known her. Sending you much love xxxx

I am so sorry that you lost your little girl.

It must be incredibly difficult not to have anyone to talk to about her, and to share your memories, both good and not so good.

The bereavement thread always seems like a lovely caring thread from an outsiders POV; I hope you can find some comfort from it.

If you want to talk about yur daughter here, then please do so. I am sure many of us would be hear to listen and share your memories.

hi my best friend lost her little boy at 6 days old [was born early and had other problems] he would of been 15 now and she still talks about him all the time ! so sorry bout your dd sending you love ,i think you need to sit dh down and talk to him xx

Hi NinaJane. I am so sorry about your little girl.

My daughter (14months) died in April 09 and even though it's pretty recent nobody is willing to speak to me about her. I completely understand your post. My partner is so switched off about the whole thing, if I even mention her name I get told off and he hates even photos of her in the house. It's very hard and isolating. Nobody even remembers her date of birth or the date she died so I will be on my own for those. I have since had a baby boy and I think many people expect me to be 'over it' already. Additionally a lot of my friends dropped off the face of the planet when she died, I told them what had happened and they cut all contact. I was very hurt but I imagine they haven't known what to say.

I haven't had counselling simply because I want to speak to someone who knew her. She was so special and adorable and her illness was so cruel that, well, I don't want to have to explain it or speak to someone who doesn't know her or the circumstances. I found talking to a lady from the hospital very helpful but I could only see her for a month after she died.

Anyway, the one place I have been understood and supported and welcomed is the bereaved mummies thread that shabs and travellingwilbury directed you to. Please click on shabba's link and come and join us. There is a list of all our LOs, and all the special dates, and they are all remembered and spoken about and everyone is so lovely. You really aren't alone.

I'm sorry you are finding it so hard to communicate with those around you, and really feel that mumsnet will be the place you can find honest support. Glad you posted Ninajane, hope you find the bereavenemt thread ok.

crumpette huge hugs to you too, I am on the bereaved mummies thread periodically- I last posted on my ds's birthday. I'm really sorry for your loss xx

Hi NinaJane,

I am so sorry you feel so alone with this.

My DD died 4 years ago in April. It was her 18th birthday recently and I really felt like I was the only one who thought it was a huge, huge deal (apart from my friends on here and other special places).

I am sure others were thinking of her and did care. But I knew noone could possibly care as much as I did and illogical as that may be, it hurt.

I am sorry for your the terrible loss of your special girl. As others have said you are welcome on the bereaved parents thread.

Hello everyone - thank you very much for all your responses - I am completely overwhelmed by your kindness and compassion. You cannot imagine how much it means to me.

So many of you have asked me questions and I feel horrible that I cannot respond to each one of you individually. To my absolute frustration, I have been having endless problems with my Internet connection since last night - it seems to be working OK now, but I don't know for how long!

Because I am still a bit unsure how to properly navigate mumsnet's boards, I have decided to stick to the "Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age," thread, as I run the risk of making multiple duplicate posts, if I don't .

Thank you again for all your sincere and kind words...

Hi - I replied to your thread in relationships prior to you moving here. You can read my other post but I also lost my daughter in 2003. My husband shut down on me telling me to get over it a few days after she'd passed away and we have rarely discussed her since.

My family never remember anniversaries and I can forgive them for that, but they have never visited her grave and that still hurts 8 years on. I'd want to know where my grandchild/neice was buried - but they dont.

Time does help you learn to live with all thats happened but there is no getting over it, I've concluded.

I have also found the CBC Child Bereavement Charity forum really helpful. Everyone there 'understands' and support and ideas offered come from those who know what you are going through. You could try there also.

I often feel I should be over it now and feel calmer knowing that in another 4 years I too will probably still feel much like you do. So for what its worth, your post has helped me and I thank you for that. xx

p.s. feel free to get in touch if you need to 'talk'. I'm always skulking around!

Violet we are here if you need to talk

My sil lost her first baby. This was about 24 years ago now, and he was only a few days old, so it's pretty distant, but still. He is buried at a family grave, with fil and others, and the whole family visits from time to time and takes flowers. I'm not sure whether anniversaries are remembered, but the grave visiting is an occasion for everybody to say what they want to and to cry if they feel like it without it being an issue really. I don't see how you can 'get over' losing a child, even though hopefully you can manage to get on with life and enjoy other things.