My dad is dying

[MammyG]

I found out today that my dad has 6 months to live at best. I am usually quite a strong person but am a mess today. We as a family have been thru hell and it show no sign of stopping and I just dont know how much more I have in me. 2 years ago a hospital screwed up my mothers tests and as a result of the delay she had a double mastectomy, chemo and radiation. It was awful - she was allergic to one of the chemo drugs and in the end they had to stop as it was doing her more damage than good. My father was not able to cope with her being ill at all. He literally fell apart. My mother finished her treatment and last May was told she was in remission. 3 weeks later my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.
And so began another bout of brutal treatment. At the beginning of january he was told there is nothing more they can do for him. two days later I found out I am expecting our third child - due on my fathers birthday! I know it sounds silly but i took this as a good omen that he would be here and see the baby. My dad is 70 and my mom 60. I have a brother that is only a teenager and he now lives with me during the week as for the past year and half as my mother was unable to look after him and felt it would be best. To top it off I have been ill myself and as of yet am undiagnosed. I know my illness is stress related and have felt for a long time I am only barely keeping my head above water. I have a full time job and two busy boys. My DH is fab but I think I might just crack up now. I cant believe dad will not know my baby and that my boys will have such little if any memories of one of the nicest men in the world. Im ready to just curl up and tell the world to go away and leave me alone. I cant tell people Im pregnant yet. I just feel so completely overwhelmed.

I'm so sorry.

I am so very sorry .

MammyG - I can totally relate to how you are feeling. I had a similar situation over 7 years ago before my dad died.

I don't know what to say to you except if you need time on your own, away from the world, take what you can. Talk it through with your husband and see if he can help alleviate some of your pressures just now.

Why not start taking your video camera with you to video your children with your parents so that they and you will be able to watch it in years to come. This helped me with my youngest daughter. She is 9 and my Dad died when she was nearly 2. She talks about him now as if he is still here and all because we help keep his spirit alive in her.

Take it one day at a time. Look after yourself and if you need hugs get your DH to give them to you.

I am so sorry for you and your family - you will need all your strength in the coming months but you will also need to look after your and your unborn baby.

We're here if you need us.

Im sorry .

Its all such a shock and its v hard to cope with this constant life-death tussle first with your mum and then with your dad.

We are never at an age where losing a parent is easy,and with a new life growing inside you this seems like a double hit.

But that new life is a new life and a sign however much it hurts that life does carry on and you will from somewhere find the reserves of strength that you need to cope day-day.

Cherish these last few months,accept them for what they are and live them.

Not everyone gets a 6 month warning - some people wave bye to their loved ones as they leave for school or work or a pint at the pub and they never return.
You can say things you want to say and talk about things in this time - its a time that although short will appear sometimes everlasting,some days you will wish for the end and others you will want to hold tight onto forever.

There is no easy way through this but you neednt walk alone you have a mother and a dh and you have these faceless friends on mumsnet many like myself who have trod your path in similar circumstances.

As trite as it may seem I hope you can find the peace in your heart and soul to truly live the rest of your daddys life with himxx

Take very good care x

What a terrible run you have had. This is not the sort of thing you should be expected to deal with on your own, so you have to ask for help, rather than just curling up to get away from the world, as you said. A little cutting yourself off could be good - maybe the rest would do you good - but too much will just leave you alone with these terrible memories and anticipations. Although it probably seems that whenever you hear something from the world, it is horrible, I hope you won't stop looking outside for reassurance and comfort and strength, either. Why else did you post here?

On a practical note, many people find memory boxes really helpful for helping them deal with long, drawn-out deaths. Those dying know that they will be going on in some ways, and can choose ways in which to be remembered, and those doing the remembering will have something to stand in for their memory, which is not as strong in the early years (your kids won't have long enough to remember); they will even have a contract with the person who is dying/has died, a very special contract, by which the child promises to take the person's memory forward and keep it with him/her. Maybe you could have a memory box for yourself, as well as the one(s) for your DCs?

I hope you are able to make some plans to help you through this.

The problem with this time is the dread of what is to come. Worrying about how it will all end, how you are going to cope afterwards and the rising sense of panic that comes with projecting into the future. Clearly you are still in shock after your mum's terrifying close call and this seems all too much. It is remarkable that you have stepped in and helped with your younger brother too. Your parents must be terribly proud of you for stepping up to the plate like you have - remarkable when you are under so much pressure. I am sure you cannot do this, but if you can, try and slow down on the work if you can because you have clearly identified you have only just kept your head above the water so far and feel like this will pull you down. You need to go easy on yourself and the baby inside you will give you immense comfort throughout what is to come. I know you are scared but all you can do is your best, spend as much time with your Dad and be kind to yourself because this situation is intolerable but unavoidable and you have a lot of people relying on you when really you need to be comforted yourself. Remember, you are a part of your Dad and your children are a part of you, so the cycle goes on - just like your new baby, all part of the same family. As some members of that family leave, others join. I am terribly sorry for you but honestly, I think you will be suprised at your ability to cope, look at how well you have done so far - a remarkable Mother and sister and a daughter to be proud of.

I have cried the whole way through reading these. Thank you all for your kind words. It is so difficult. I cnat talk to most people because tho they are concerned and nice they are neighbours and acquaintances. My own family are going thru so much that we are just trying to keep each other going. People not knowing im pregnant yet has made it even more difficult. I wasnt sure about posting here but am so glad I have. I have been genuinely comforted by all of your remarks - thank you all for taking the time.

As most of you said taking time will be important. Like every other mother Im great at figuring out what everyone else needs and organising for them but have lost touch with myself and my needs. I definately think that as Dad deteriorates I will take time off work to help and just be with him. The memory box for my children in a lovely idead. I do want to video and take photos but will give him a little time before I begin recording.

Again thank you all x

MammyG - I feel like crying - am so sorry about what you are going through. My Dad died suddenly in May 2007 - he had a blood clot in the brain and did not know any of us. Mum died in 2008 - she had mouth cancer and had completely gone to pieces after Dad died. She starved herself like slow suicide. I think you are feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of what you have to cope with - a double illness and bereavement which just seems to go on and on. If you can possibly get more rest and slow up at work it would help you and your baby - I think you are being so brave. I found I fell apart more when it was all over and I didn't have to keep going. Am thinking of you.

Thank you whitecloud you had such a rough time of it too. My mother is only in remission a short while and today got a little cross with her as she said she wont last 2 years after Dad goes. Warned her she has to take car of herself as my brother is only just 15 and too young to be orphaned. Its so hard to slow down when the world just keeps turning away. Feeling odd about work. On one hand dont know what else I would do if I werent working but then at times just not good with the pressure.

MammyG I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, and what you have been through.

I have been my there myself in 2008,my mum had a lump removed when she recovered 2days after op my dad was diagnossed with lung cancer. Are whole family was in shock we are all so close, all went to all the appointments together.

They reccomended my dad had an operation to remove the cancer, we all went to guy's hospital and stayed in a flat just next to the hospital, my dad went for an operation and it didnt go well, even though the cancer wasn't so much the problem it was where it was and they had to remove his lung.
my dad was in hospital for 4 week's in critical care unit, unfortunetly on nov 1st my dad died. our whole world had been turned upside down.

I'm so sorry cancer is such a horrible illness i just hope and pray one day that they find a cure and no one has to go through this any more. sending you all the luck in the world.