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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Going ahead with a wedding after bereavement....

19 replies

castille · 27/01/2010 22:08

My father died earlier this month. He had been ill for some time but we hadn't expected him to leave us so soon.

My sister is getting married in May. A friend of mine with experience in this matter (though the death and wedding were much closer together in her case) has suggested that it might be better to postpone so we can grieve properly before celebrating the wedding.

The idea of postponing hadn't really entered our heads TBH, but will it surprise people that we're going ahead?

OP posts:

Hassled · 27/01/2010 22:11

I'm sorry for your loss.

No, I don't think people would be surprised by the wedding going ahead. If your sister and the rest of the family feel that that's what your father would have wanted, then that's the right thing to do. I hope it goes well.

DarrellRivers · 27/01/2010 22:15

If close family feel they are able to hold the wedding and that it is the right thing to do, then they are the people to decide

PurpleEglu · 27/01/2010 22:26

I think by May it will be nice to have the wedding as a celebration. It is going to be hard for everyone concerned whenever it is done, due to the sadness of your father not being there. However it will give you all something to focus on too.

Original poster

castille · 27/01/2010 22:46

Yes that is exactly our feeling. Waiting longer won't make us feel his absence any less keenly. I hope people understand this.

OP posts:

allaboutme · 27/01/2010 22:54

I wouldnt be surprised at someone going ahead with the wedding in this situation.
Your sister should go ahead if she feels comfortable doing that and you are all happy with too. It will be something positive to focus on.
I think your friends mind is perhaps clouded by the fact that the gap between her bereavment and wedding was quite a bit shorter. That would make a big difference I would imagine.

shelleylou · 28/01/2010 00:31

I'm sorry for your loss. It wouldnt surprise me at all. I thought about postponing my wedding in may after my brother was killed in october. My other brother told me not to it wasn't right and not what he would want. Like your 22.46 post he will be missed just as much next year or whenever than the planned date. It will be emotional, your sister may well not feel like planning for a little while. Your dad could still be included in the day if thats what is wanted.

thumbwitch · 28/01/2010 00:44

So for your loss of your Dad.

I went to a wedding of good friends a couple of years ago where the Dad had suddenly died in an accident 2 weeks prior to the wedding. It still went ahead, with due remembrance to the Dad as the mum said it was what he would have wanted.

Someone else I knew, the groom lost both his parents before the wedding - the father 9w prior and the mother 2w prior (She was under dreadful strain as a result of the father passing) and that still went ahead as well.

As others have said, I think in general people feel that the person who has passed over would want the wedding to go ahead, not to be disrupted because of them.

LittlePushka · 28/01/2010 00:50

I lost my Dad 4 months ago...so I say sorry with massive empathy.

I also had had an important celebration which fell the day after he died. But for me, and my mam and sister, it was unthinkable to cancel. Any it was joy on a very, very dark day!

I agree with others and I would say that it will be tough on the day at times, whenever your sister has it.

My personal opinion would be for your sister and DP to go ahead - it will be a focus and a distraction at times in the coming months.

pushka sends best wishes x

SolidGoldBrass · 28/01/2010 01:31

WRT the friend, she is not you and your feelings (you collectively as a family) do not have to be the same as hers. It's up to your sister (and her H to be of course) to decide what to do - there aren't 'rules' for grief and no one should ever feel they need to behave in a certain way because of what someone outside the immediate friends/family thinks is 'right'.

Original poster

castille · 28/01/2010 10:39

Well I agree with all of you, thank you.

I think this friend has regrets and unresolved family issues concerning her own situation which are not relevant to us.

I have no doubt that Dad wouldn't have wanted the wedding postponed.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 28/01/2010 11:41

If the friend is well-meaning, tell her gently that different people feel things differently. If she's an officious attention-seeker, tell her to keep her beak out. But don't let her opinions bother any of you - her life is her business, your family plans are yours.

Original poster

castille · 28/01/2010 15:00

Friend is entirely well-meaning, she is lovely. She has admitted she is projecting her situation onto ours.

I'm v glad none of you agrees we should postpone

OP posts:

muppetgirl · 28/01/2010 15:04

Someon I knew years ago had this situation -her father died suddenly weeks before her wedding. They decided to go ahead he had been involved in all the preparations and was in the pictures of choosing suits ect. Looking really happy and proud. She wanted to get married on the day that her father knew about. I think it was a hard day for all her family but as someone has said, this isn't going to get any better by doing it another day. There will be someone in the family who disagrees but the bride and groom have to make their own decisions.

HesterPrynne · 28/01/2010 15:56

We got married just six weeks after my dad died very unexpectedly. It was my mum who insisted that we go ahead, and at the time it felt like the right thing to do.

But now I'm not so sure, every time I think of the wedding it's more to do with the loss of him, rather than the gaining of DH.

We also dealt with the grief in different ways. DH didn't want to stay with me and my family in the time between the death and the funeral - we lived the other side of the country - although he gets on really well with them all.

I often wonder if we had put it off, would we ever have gone ahead with it. I was so angry at what felt like his lack of support and understanding then.

I think as others have said only your sister and fiance can decide, you can only support them whatever the decision. May does seem a very long way off, though

Original poster

castille · 28/01/2010 16:14

What you're saying is a lot like what my friend has said, Hester

I think the extra time we have will make all the difference for us.

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 28/01/2010 16:29

My DB and SIL had their wedding planned hoping Dad would be there, but it wasn't to be. They married around 3 months after he died, and I think they were happy they went ahead. I have to say I personally found it the hardest day ever - although it wasn't about me!

So sorry for your loss.

woodyandbuzz · 28/01/2010 16:37

I'm sorry for your loss.

I do think it would be best for the wedding to go ahead. If I died, I'd want my DCs to go ahead with their wedding personally.

lilolilmanchester · 02/02/2010 22:41

I haven't read the other posts on purpose...
Firstly, so sorry you have lost your Dad. It is particularly sad just ahead of such a special day for your sister and you all.
I think the best thing you can do for your sister is to remind her that your Dad would want her to be happy and he would support whichever decision she makes. Her day, her choice, and he would be behind her. That might be getting married in May, that might be delaying it. It could be a compromise (civil ceremony in May, party when she and your family can face it, whenever that might be). Encourage her to do whatever she wants to do and make sure other family members let her decide.
So, so sorry you have to go through thisxxx

deaddei · 21/02/2010 16:47

I've just seen this...and wanted to add that my dad died 6 weeks before my brother's wedding.
We had a really good day- we didn't "sweep him under the carpet"- raised a glass to him, and my brother gave a wonderful speech about him (as he did at the funeral)
Sorry about your dad, castille. Still miss mine after 8 years.

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