Need advice on how to respond, please - sensitive subject

[ohdeariamstuck]

I'm really sorry this is in chat, there does not seem a proper place for it and I would like it to disappear soon.

I would be glad of some advice from people who have been on the other side of this.

I'm corresponding by email with a chap - a good bloke, much older than me - whose daughter is currently seriously ill.

Most of the doctors have said there is very little chance she will survive more than a few months.

However there are certain ones who are still prepared to try different ideas and treatments. He is defiantly positive about the situation and has indicated in the past that pragmatism doesn't really help, he needs to be positive and has refused to discuss situation with other friends who were not positive.

My feelings are mixed, I want her very much to get well for his sake but am unable to believe that she has more than an extremely slim chance of survival...it's really not looking good.

Every small bit of good news, a day when she is less poorly etc has him feeling like this is it, she is going to recover, she will be well again. I know he needs to believe this but I feel trapped...I don't want to encourage false hope, which is basically what it is, but don't want to let him down and he will pick up if I am non-committal.

I really am worried about him.

Please can anyone guide me as to the correct response in these circumstances, I feel totally out of my depth.

Thankyou.

Oh bugger have put it in wrong topic...sorry. May ask for it to be deleted in a few days just so you know.

Sorry

I wouldn't say this is the wrong place given that many of us in here have nursed loved ones through the situation you have described.

When I was in that situation, I only wanted to hear positive messages, in my heart of hearts I knew the likely outcome (we can all google); didn't mean we didn't try every new drug (some of which initially worked before being back where we started); didn't mean that I didn't spend 2.5 years being positive and always hoping for the best.

Any contrary views would be ignored now anyway and could damage your friendship, and when/if his daughter dies, that is when he is going to need your friendship most.

I think there isn't a right or wrong (so unhelpful) In all likelihood he knows, deep deep down, that her chances of survival are extremely slim

But, for me, I was completely unable to accept that my daughter wouldn't live. Many people around me, my family and also DP were extremely negative and 'real' with their opinions. The thought of her dying was, for me, so so painful that I could not accept that it may ever happen so I and I alone kept convincing myself she would live. Even to the very last moments of her life, I told myself she would be OK.

I was very hurt afterwards by what to me had been uncaring remarks verging on callous insensitivity from those around me. I think if you very much want to keep the friendship without tainting it in any way, keep on hoping with him. Nobody did that with me except for a couple of PICU nurses and it was so very lonely once DD had died to be surrounded by people who appeared to not have cared.

Some may disagree with me but I know that those that told me 'yes her numbers might start to pick up..she's a fighter' etc are the ones I really respect. It was what I needed to keep me functioning.. Hope will go the moment that she dies (if she does) so why deprive him of it beforehand?
False hope is better than no hope at all.

Just make sure that if the worst does happen, you remain there for him and supporting him. That is when he will need you most.

thankyou both so much for your kind and sensible answers; you have helped me to see why he is being like this, and why I must not burst the bubble...

my problem is that I feel I cannot keep up the pretence.

I don't feel hopeful in the slightest, and I need to prepare myself in the best way I can which means accepting that my friend might die. If I try to keep hoping, I am going to fall to bits when it happens. This may sound selfish but it is the only thing I feel able to do to cope.

I will just have to keep pretending I think, to him, and keeping my thoughts to myself.

But I shan't try and bring him into harsh reality, I understand that will happen soon enough. Don't worry...I know what the right thing to do is, now, so am grateful for your messages.

I will just have to find a way to do it.
we were not really in touch before she became ill so it's not a friendship I'd imagine will continue in an intense way.

It feels very difficult to keep saying 'yes she will be fine' when I don't believe it myself...I feel like a fraud and am afraid the rest of her family might think I have weird ulterior motives or something, to keep reassuring him when we all know it's a bit desperate.

Ah, my post was more geared for you remaining his friend afterwards, and also I was not aware at all that his daughter is your friend.

That does make it so much more difficult for you as you are dealing with your own emotions and response to her illness.

I'd say, for his sake outwardly keep up the hope. There is always some hope. If you are able to talk to the rest of the family at all perhaps tell them you are feeling awkward as you know the likely outcome and see what they can do to support him as well, his wellbeing shouldn't be your responsibility when you too are suffering in this situation.

Sorry I can't offer a magic answer for you and sorry you are in this position

I appreciate your kindness, your advice is good...will try my best!
Sorry you have had this experience, too. It's an awful thing to go through I am sure.