FIL in the final stages of cancer

[LaytonRocks]

I did post about this last week in general health and someone suggested I might post here for more advice.

FIL has secondary liver cancer and has now been given a few weeks to live. I don't know how to help DH or what to say/not to say.

His relationship with his parents has been rather rocky over the past few years, but over the last year things have really settled down, if only because of his Dad's deteriorating health.

I'm worried about so many things, not least what life will be like for us all once FIL dies. DS is 18mo, so not really aware of what's going on - although probably aware that his Daddy isn't very happy.

There's so much I could ask, but some of it seems selfish and some of it seems pointless. How can I possibly help DH feel better? Nothing is going to stop his Dad dying and this will break his heart

Please accept my apologies if I am misreading this situation, but I wonder whether one thing you might be able to do is let him be angry.

It sounds as though your DH is in a rather conflicted situation. His relationship with them has "settled" because his father is dying: does that mean your DH had to "settle" grievances he didn't really want to, but felt he had to, because he "didn't want the last words to be unpleasant ones", etc? He may still be angry or sad about something, and feel completely unable to express it, but be unable to let it go, because he is human and doesn't enjoy having his feelings ignored.

He may simply want to rage about the fact that his father is dying.

I am not sure how you could get him to express any anger, disappointment, sadness - you know your DH best - but you are a good person for him to express this to, as you are outside the family, and it sounds as though you are on his side, and he can believe in your support.

Does this help at all?

Thank you very much for this reply.

It has really made me think about the situation in a different way. I certainly did mean 'settle' in the sense you describe, but he says he is very happy the situation is so much better now so I don't think he feels angry about this. However, I am not 100% certain, so I am going to definitely bear this anger in mind, as well as the anger about the fact his father is dying. I have been thinking a lot about his sadness, but of course you are completely right that those other emotions need to be vented too.

I am going to try and find a time when we can really talk about these feelings soon.

Although in the OP I was asking for advice on how to help DH (and you have given me some, so thank you) with his grief and the horrid times ahead as his father dies, you picked up the bit about the family relationships and the reason that made me really think was because I fear this applies more to me than to him. I know it is my place to support my DH and that his feelings are my priority but I can't help worrying about what family relationships will be like this year. I feel very selfish to be thinking so much about this when DH is going through such hell.

Anyway, this isn't the place for that discussion - I may post another time in 'relationships'. For now, I need to focus on helping DH through this terrible time and I will def try to find a way to let him feel anger and any other emotions he needs to vent.

Thanks again.

Yes, I'm sorry I hadn't thought of that; I had sort of assumed that you were on an even keel (as you were concentrating on how to help your DH). Sounds as though you need someone to vent to, too!

On the other hand, it may not be very healthy for DH (or you) to ignore his other emotional obligations, even if his father is dying. After all, how would you get him back into that side of his emotional life afterwards?

Hope you manage to make some sense of your situation.