Thought of watching videos of my dad - makes me feel so sad.

[anastasia74]

Hi

Just wondered if anyone who has lost a parent would be able to give me some advise.

I have quite a few videos of my dad taken on holidays/outings along with the rest of the family etc. Can anyone tell me there experience of how long it will be before I can sit down and watch them without it upsetting me. I lost him in July.

I want to so much. I just want to feel closer to him in a way. But I'm worried it will make me feel worse than I do now. I still find it hard to look at his photographs sometimes.

Thanks

I watched the ones we had of my dad(died a year ago in fb) and it was nice, I kiked seeing him all well iynwim, same with photos.
it is still early days for you though.

No experience of watching so early on from a loss, but, just before christmas I came across some old camcorder tapes, played them to see what was on there and was delighted to see my dad again after 4yrs (was footage of his last ever christmas). Didn't upset me at all. I was just so happy to see him "alive and well" again that it was a great comfort to me.

Things are still so raw for you. It may be upsetting for you at first, but, I hope in time you can enjoy watching them over and over again.

X

Oh my dear anastasia. I lost my dear old dad in September,...so may I say that i am right in there with you.

I can only share with you my experience - I have no advice for you honey,

Not ten mins ago seen a photo on my PC of me and him just six weeks before he died. He looked like a stranger as he looked so ill - an it made me cry, and feel very weepy and sad. now in fact. But I know that I can much more easily cope with piccies of him when he was not nearly so ill. And at this point in time I would give the world to see him in a video and, more importantly somehow, to hear his voice.

So , I would say probably that whenever you watch it, it will be very emotional (IMO it does not really get better in the short term,...worse in fact). But if it lets you see him as he really was to you - happy and full of vitality - then it may help.

With my very best wishes to you, as I say, no adice, but empathy enough to sink a battleship. xx

Thanks for your replies everyone. I suppose it is really early days yet.

I hope when the time comes it will give me so much comfort - perhaps I'll leave it for a while until I feel more able to deal with the emotions of it all.

Hugs to everyone in similar positions.

Hello, anastasia. You may find yourself affected suddenly even years from now, so not wanting to be upset may not be a reason to put off seeing the videos.

Also, it seems to me that in general, the problem with bereavement is that people don't give themselves enough opportunities to grieve properly, and therefore end up keeping the grief trapped inside them until become desperate to let it out... only they have let "everyone" think they are over it, and feel too inhibited or ashamed or something, to start talking about their grief all over again.

I really am quite sad that you are worried about "feeling worse" if you watch these films. The feeling may be sharper while you cry, yes, but is that really worse than the tired, drained, bottled up?

Is there anyone you could invite round to watch the videos with you, someone who might also appreciate a good cry and the chance to talk freely about him, maybe even start to laugh a little?

I like what you mean there Winged. I lost my dad in July too and almost immediately wanted to see photos of him and was nearly hysterical because I thought I had lost my wedding video with his lovely speech on..........

I have loved watching the videos and looking at photos of him ever since. Obviously, its part pain (and I mean a physical pain), part pleasure, but grief is emotional in any case, so don't be too afraid......the small pleasure you might gain from looking at videos and photos might be worth it

Hi, LadyBlaBlah (and magicOC and pissinmy2shoes), it's good to hear that you've been watching films. I feel so sad when I think about people avoiding their pain, thinking it will get better like that. It also seems a shame to avoid thinking about the person who has died! LittlePushka, does that mean you haven't got any videos?

No, no videos sadly... the pictures help me remember his face but I have trouble recalling his voice at times as time passes. And to hear him sing was a true joy!!

So, i do think that your videos will become a wonderful thing for you as Lady Blah Blah says...its gonna hurt whenever you do it but it may fill a little of the great gaping hole. Also agree to watch with friends or family because I think in the darkest part of grief being alone is just not good for the soul...always at such times with friends or family there is a fond memory or a joke remembered, or a daft situation you recall that takes the sting away a little.

Good luck and I hope that you find courage to watchbut also to enjoy too. xx

WingedVictory, I agree with you about people avoiding their pain.

Anastasia,

It does get easier over time and it would be such a shame to go on avoiding these memories thru fear of them being too painful. Work thru your pain and enjoy those precious moments that have been left behind of your loved ones.

Don't get me wrong , I miss my parents terribly, but, I take pleasure in keeping them a part of my life even though I cant physically see/touch them they will always be there. Having photos on display and videoes to watch again and again keeps them alive in everyones lives, even those who may have come into the family after they had passed on.

It's a very personal thing. It was only a few weeks after DH died that I was overcome with an overwhelming need to hear his voice so I watched out wedding video. Of course I cried but it did comfort me to see and hear him again. Dad was on that video too and he had died ten months before DH. Every now and then, I will get the videos out and watch them and I find it quite cathartic. Inevitably I cry but I also smile and laugh and feel close to them both.

My mum, on the other hand, refused point blank to watch when I offered to show her the video and that was two years after Dad died. She still is not ready.

I agree about it being painful at any stage. My lovely Grandma died 15 years ago. Last summer, my Dad had all our old cine films put on DVD. I was expecting them to all be of my other grandparents, so I was prepared for that, but there, suddenly, walking into the frame, was my Grandma, aged about 55, sprightly and cheerful. It caught me so much by surprise. I had to leave the room and ago and have a good cry. So do watch them, but be ready to feel very emotional.

I wish there were a sad smile emoticon!

You are quite right about the loneliness, LittlePushka.

Yes thinking about it - it really isnt a solution avoiding seeing him on video putting off the pain - whether I watch them next week or in a few months it won't be any less painful.

I suppose I'm afraid I'll go back to how I felt in the early days - the physical pain of missing him which I found very hard.

Thankyou wingedvictory you advise makes very good sense.

Hugs to anyone who has lost someone very close.

I lost my dad just over 7 years ago and when I see him on a movie (not very often) it always brings a tear of happiness to my eye - reminding me of how lucky I was to have somebody like him in my life.

Mind you, anastasia, this is not to say you should make yourself cry just before work, or while you are meant to be holding things together (e.g. in the supermarket...). There is a time and place for holding things together, just not too much! I hope you don't think we were advocating wholesale grief at all moments of the day!

Hi Anasatsia, how are you doing?

I watched my wedding video a few months after I lost my dad (in April) and it was very painful, I haven't watched it again since.

I too find it difficult to really look at his photos. I see them every day as they are around my house, but I avoid really looking at them as I know I will crumble. I am only too aware I keeping a lid on things at the moment, I am scared what will happen if I just let it all go....

I alos have an old audio tape that I recorded whn I was a kid. My Mum was out and my dad and I had a really silly afternoon, it has him telling silly jokes and singing silly songs. We sing Yellow Submarine together then he starts tickling me and I dissolve into a fit of giggles, it breaks my haert to hear it, but also comforts me greatly as I can hear him.

It's just so relentless thsi journey isn't it?

oh gosh, i am very sorry for your loss, it is still very recent for you.

I lost my dad four years ago and im not sure i could watch a video of him even now. I thin i have one with him in it and i do look sometimes and think i could watch it but no. TBH i don't even like to look at photos which is silly i suppose.

But, thats me - it might be different for you?

I don't think any of us can say how you will feel to be honest.

I just want to tell everyone to treasure their parents

WingedVictory your post made me smile about holding it together...it reminded me of the first time I went into WHSmiths looking for new 2010 diary I came upon a whole gondola end of Xmas cards for DAD...

well, I just stood and wept, big time.. DS1 (3.4) said "Mam, what is happening to your face its gone crumpled?"

I had to smile and said "Thats a very good question son, time to go and sort it out!" Pushka disappears, wet and snotty int0 WHSmith lift to compose self.

It still unexpectedly crumples quite alot in places it ought not to,

So there's no need to go looking for trouble, is there!? But avoiding it is storing up trouble, too...

Hi Dr Northerner

Been really busy with work, so like you feel like I'm very much keeping a lid of things. But Dad is never very far from my thoughts.

Want to get around to putting those videos on. I want to see him alive again so much. Feel like it something I will be doing very soon - from the advise I have had on this thread. Preparing myself for it to be extremely difficult but feel its got to be done.

Still find even photos difficult to look at - like you.

Hugs to everyone on this thread.

After I lost my mum, some months later, I was starting to panic I'd forget what she looked like and I got really worried about that - seeing her in a video or on photos would have been very comforting then.

I think you have to be ready - and if you're not feeling ready yet, then don't watch. You'll know when you're ready, and those films aren't going anywhere, are they?

One thing I learnt is that you have to handle grief/bereavement in your own way. There's no right or wrong way to do it, just what feels right for you.

Thinking about this thread and my own personal experiences with losing both parents the word that springs to mind always for me anyway, is acceptance.

I had such a hard time (like everyone else) when I lost mum then dad that nothing was right in the world, I couldn't look at pictures without bursting into tears or being so angry at the unfairness of it all that I was walking around in a cloud of grief all the time.

Once I was able to accept that nothing I did was ever going to change the situation, I realised for me, the only way to enjoy the memories I was left with was to let it go. Grief is a horrid thing and in my case it was eating away at me and destroying the time I could have to enjoy those memories.

I realise this is not the case for everyone as we all cope in our own ways.

I hope no one is offened by this post.

X

I've just read through this before going off to bed and am thinking of you. Good night, everyone. Sleep well.

Just re-read that, and it sounds hideously insincere, but I didn't mean it to be a platitude. A night's sleep is a very good thing. Even a night alone, when no-one can demand you do some work instead of crying, is something. The daytime pretending and controlling oneself can be very wearing. But I am a believer in trying to cry things out in order to maintain some life during the day! Very like-my-cake-and-eat-it, I know, but it's not easy to be overtaken by grief when around other people, as you mentioned, LittlePushka!