A bad couple of days

[bubble99]

When Bo died (healthy 7lb7oz twin during a botched labour) I expected to have a low level of sadness, punctuated by bouts of extreme pain. This hasn't happened and, probably because I have his twin Elijah and two older boys to look after, I've just 'got on with things.' The last couple of days have been really difficult. I've been in contact with our local MP's office (she has offered to take on our case to lobby for changes in funding/management of ante-natal and delivery care) and I'm sure that this has re-ignited the feelings.

Last night, when Mr Bubble and I went to bed, Elijah was gurgling in his cot and we both said that he should have been gurgling to his twin brother. I've been looking at my notes as well and they said that Bo was dead in a pool of meconium which meant that the poor little mite was distressed and I feel so acutely that I let him down and I never got to kiss him when he was alive and make it all better. I kissed his beautiful dead face but the thought of him struggling and perhaps feeling frightened haunts me.

[cazzybabs]

God have I no idea how you are coping this well. I am sure Bo knew how much you, Mr. Bubble and all the little bubbles, espcially Elijah loved him.

[HappyHuggy]

oh bubble

nothing i can say can possibly take you hurt and pain away but i am thinking of you and am here if there is anything i can ever do.

((((((((((((((((((hugs to the bubble family))))))))))))))))

[Puff]

Bubble

[AnnaInManchester]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Bubble. You definately didn't let Bo down and u sound a fantastic mother that would do anything for your children. How does mr bubble feel?

[bubble99]

The same goes for him Anna. We both used to love a song called 'Jeux Sans Frontiers' (sp) by Peter Gabriel, but it was on the radio the day he drove home from the hospital to see our two other big boys after Bo died. It came on earlier as we were driving and he started crying. It's not easy.

[LIZS]

bubble,I so wish it could be all be better for you and Mr B and that Bo was there with Elijah - your pain is tangible. Wish you well with your campaign, it is very courageous.

[Mum2girls]

God Bubble, how utterly devastating for you.

You gave him a safe and loving home with Elijah for the duration of your pregnancy -you didn't let him down at all, you did all that any of us could do.

[littlerach]

I have reda your other threads but never posted, it is such a sad and terrible thing to have happened to oyur family and I don't know how you have managed, but you have.
I really don't think you let him down, you did everything within your power, it is a terrible tragedy.
I wish your family all the best .

[hunkermunker]

I wish there was something I could do to make it better, Bubble, I really do. Anything I can do to ease it a tiny bit, ever, just ask.

Love as always xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[jangus]

Bubble, i wish there was something I could say to help, but I know there is nothing to make it better. Much Love to you. Remember that wee Bo and Lilli-Mae are looking out for each other and for us.
XxX J

[Stilltrue]

Bubble I'm Just so sorry about what you're going through. I've been moved by all your posts; I so admire the way you've tried to "get on with things" as you put it, but none of what happened around the time of Bo's labour and birth was your fault in any way, and nor could you have prevented it. I realise (who wouldn't?)that your pain remains as raw as ever; but you are just desperately missing your beautiful baby boy - which must be achingly painful - you have not let him down.

Thinking of you tonight as always.

[biglips]

oh bubble ... pls let me give you some hugs vibes to you both {{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

[jayzmummy]

Bubble

[bubble99]

Thanks everyone XX

I'm feeling a lot more positive today. Susan Kramer has contacted everyone from the Chief Executive of the hospital up to The Secretary of State. She's also planning to table a parliamentary question. They may want to issue a press release as well.

One mnetter has a weighty contact in The Lords and we have already had a response from her promising to act.

So, Mr Bubble and I feel we are now doing something. None of this will bring little Bo back, of course. The Hospital is trying to wriggle out of paying for a vital front line supernumerary senior midwife, while, at the same time, seeming to have limitless resources to pay 9 to 5 salaries for layer upon layer of middle management. This has got to be addressed.

[jangus]

hugs for you Bubble {{{}}}
I think of you all so very often XxX

[marthamoo]

Bubble, I don't know what to say. There isn't anything to say, is there? Just wanted to post and say my thoughts are with you, as always. I wish Bo was with you too.

[Pixiefish]

He's with you all in your hearts Bubble. Hugs to you all

[littleshebear]

I am so sorry. I just wanted to say - I lost twins at 17 weeks of pregnancy - it took me 3 weeks to lose them, 10 days in hospital, and it was very traumatic.

I, too, felt I had failed them - I felt a profound sense of guilt. I should, as their mother, have been able to save them. No reason was found for the miscarriage - it wasn't about medical negligence. I can imagine that in your situation I would have felt even worse. I think how you feel is a natural, and awful, part of losing a child. From what I have read, you did all you could do to help your baby.

I had to carry on, for my other children, but that didn't take the pain away. Having other children doesn't help you to get over your grief because it's not them you miss.

I send you all my love and prayers, for you and your family.

[Flossam]

Bubble - have had more feedback today. I'll email you a copy in the morning when i'm properly awake an do as she asks. hope you are feeling ok sweetie. xxxx

[bubble99]

Thanks Floss, I've just read it and replied. XX

Littleshebear And you're so right that having your other children doesn't help. It helps, of course, to receive and give all the love from and to them, but the feeling that someone is missing doesn't go away.

I am now ready for the challenge to make change not only at the Hospital were Bo lost his life, but in maternity units nationwide. I will feel I have let him down if I read about another healthy baby dying somewhere because of a lack of available experienced staff for junior doctors/midwives to consult with. A lack, not due to availablility of such staff, but due to the hospital trusts' reluctance to pay their salaries.

[Flossam]

I started a searching for Bubble thread earlier!! You have been too quiet for too long! Is all ok? xx

[hunkermunker]

I'm so glad to hear that the wheels are turning, Bubble. If anyone can get things changed, it's you - you are fantastic. Have missed you lately - are you OK? xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[bubble99]

OK. But I might need some backup on the 'Woman gives birth drunk thread' Weaning spoons anyone???!