How do I support my best friend in her grief

[Mylittlebubble]

My best friend gave birth to her still born son last week. I obviously want to support her in any way I can but I do not want to intrude on her and her DH personal grief. I live over an hour away from them. I have spoken to her on the telephone and am planning on going to see her tomorrow to give her a big hug and just be there.

Do you think there is anything else I can do to support them more? Do you think it is too soon to be close to her? I suppose, I ask the questions cos I think I would want to be on my own with Dh. I read on another thread to offer specific help and not just offer help 'if you need it' as it will be refused.

Not sure if I am making sense. It is an awful time for them and all of us are devestated for them.

How awful for your friend. Firstly, just phoning up and going to see her will mean a lot. So mnay people do nothing in the face of such horrible grief and ignore the parents which is very cruel.

I would take food that is easy to heat and freezeable (think big lasagnes/shepherd's pie), and maybe a book/toy for any other dc's they have.

Mostly though, allow her (and him if he's up for it) to talk about what happened. I lost a baby at 23 weeks and was desperate to talk about it all, down to things like what the hospital room was like but so few people asked about what actually happened.

Take your cue from them, try to be hyper-aware of her wanting to be alone, I think if she's happy for you to visit though she'll want you there.

absolutely agree with Northern.

This happened to a friend of mine and all I did was make sure she knew I was there for her.

Even if only a text that says "I am thinking of you".

Turning up with food is a fabulous idea. Arrive and offer to take the children out for her so she can have a long bath? Being practical is sometimes as useful as a hug.

And listening. Allowing silence to happen so your friend can talk. Don't feel as though you have get there and talk. Being there is the important thing.

Something else you might offer is to help with the funeral. The hospital will do alot of this but one of the first things I offered was to do the reading at funeral.

It might not be something your friend will want to think about right now but equally it might be something your friend wants to ask but feels they can't.

This was one of the things my friend said helped her more than anything. THe offer that I would do this for her and then did stand up at the funeral and say something showed how much we all cared.

Good luck tomorrow. it is going to be a tough few weeks.

Also look at Sands They have a lot of fabulous advice.

Thank Northern.
I am calling her this afternoon as promised so will tell her I am coming and take it from there. When I spoke to her we were on the phone for over an hour and she did disucss details, I think you are right a friend to talk to is what she needs. Our other friend is just too devestated for her to see her right now.
I just cannot stop thinking about her and what she must be going through

Thank you BBM

You probably won't be "intruding" on their grief if you try to share it with them, especially continuing to share it with them, long after everyone else has gone away and stopped mentioning it. And by "it", I mean the death, not the child! That, in fact might be one of the hardest things they have to face, that people don't realise they still think of the potential child, rather than "a stillbirth".

How kind of you to think so carefully about how to help.

You sound like a really good friend!

When my son was stillborn my best friend was great. She came over and let me talk and cry (repeatedly and for hours at a time) as my DH was not someone who wanted to share his grief (even with me).

She would always mention his name and because I knew she was not frightened/worried about discussing him I could (and still do) talk to her about him long after the majority of people had got to the "aren't you over that" stage.

Practically, yes, definitely cook meals and she lent me poetry books to help me prepare for his funeral readings.

Of course you know your friend best - I have other friends who prefer to deal with bereavements more privately (as my DH did), but this really helped me.

A couple of things I appreciated when I lost a baby at 17 weeks, you'll know if your friend is the type of person who would appreciate the same -

1. Ask questions, ask the baby's name, ask to see photos or what the baby looked like, ask about funeral plans, investigations into the cause of death etc. There may be things she wants to discuss that she is too scared to bring up herself in case it upsets you. There may be really negative stuff she wants to say that she thinks it would upset her DH to hear.

1. Put the baby's date of birth in your phone / diary and send a card or text or talk about the upcoming anniversary next year. People forget so quickly and she can never forget.

1. If, after you've seen her, you haven't heard from her in a while, give her a call. She may not ring anyone because she hasn't got anything happy to say or anything to talk about other than the baby. Make sure she knows this is okay.

HTH. Would second everyone who suggested SANDS.

My best friends baby was stillborn on 4th of sept. I live near so visited her every day for a while and now we have a twice weekly arrangement. She is your best friend so tell her from the word go that you would never be offended if she said 'not today'. That it is about you giving her what she needs even if that is space. My experience is that she will want someone to share with. look at photos, ask questions. This was a real and loved baby and she needs to share that. I just wanted my friend to know that there was nothing at all we could not discuss and she would get nothing but support from me. It has been simple surreal. Like her pregnancy was just a dream. But we have shared something now that two friends rarely do. just be yourself and let her be herself too. she will be so tired from putting up fronts with acquaintances and such that just being with someone supportive and loving is enough. Best of luck